12/30/2007

Mostly lazy today. Took a lot of pictures in the visit room. Wrote to a few places about books, discount mags, correspondence courses, etc. Think I'll do some reading and go to bed.

12/29/2007

I don't know what to do. I've read and re-read my divorce papers, and the only part that bothers me is the denied any and all visitation rights. I didn't fight for visitation with my last divorce and look how well that turned out for me. Not that I think a judge would even come close to ruling in my favor, but I kinda would like to have it on the record that I do care for my son and would like to be able to see him. I've prayed and prayed for guidance, but He has been silent.

11:00pm
Just as the day is ending and I'm doing some reading, not even paying attention to what I'm reading when God again grabs my attention through the dhrama.

"If I need to comply with a doctor's advice when frightened by a common illness, Then how much more so when perpetually diseased by the manifold evils of desire... And if all people dwelling on this earth can be overcome by just one of these, And if no other medicine to cure them is to be found elsewhere in the universe, Then the intention not to act in accordance with the advice of the all-knowing Physicians who can uproot every misery, is extremely bewildered and worthy of scorn."

-Shantideva, Stephen Batchelor
(trans. from A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life)

So you see it is again my "desire", my attachment to the past to my wife and children that is my "illness"; my disease. Many "all-knowing Physicians" have existed throughout time to give the medicine, the remedy for this illness. Through them, God alone can "uproot" every misery! Not to remember this, I also am "worth of scorn."
So I will retire to bed with this prayer on my mind and lips:

"Seeing that this chronic disease of cherishing myself is the cause that gives rise to unwanted suffering, I seek your blessings to destroy this great demon of selfishness by resenting it as the object of blame."

AMEN

12/27/2007

My brother's last visit was last night. It was the best Christmas present I could possibly hope for. To have him and the rest of my family here for the holidays was pure joy. Today was back to normal, for better or worse. No theology class tonight, because the pastor is on vacation, so I went to Buddhist meditation group with the intentions of having some quiet time but it was filled with one hyperactive inmate organizing the library and another inmate complaining about shit. I just gave up ad decided to help organize the library when I was called down to the visit room to take more pictures. Damn! I'll be glad when this picture business is over! The library did get organized finally though. I finished reading "Peace Like A River" by Leif Enger. It is probably the best fiction book I've ever read (that I can remember). I laughed, cried, reminisced, cried again, laughed again, etc. Excellent book! Everyone should buy his book so he becomes wealthy and is encouraged to write more just like it, thus adding to the goodness of humanity and glorifying God! Amen! I really should start reading another book because I have so many but I don't want to ruin the feeling of "Peace Like a River". It's like drinking a super fine perfect wine and the rinsing your mouth out with Lysol. I think I'll just go to bed and hope that the goodness and warmth from his book along with the joy of my family this last week, gives rise to beautiful peaceful dreams.

(12/27) Hey bro

Great to see you this week. Your laugh and visits alone will sustain me for a very long time. I'm sending you a quick note with the latest journal writing as well as some pictures. I have marked an X on the back of the ones I would like a copy made of and the rest (and originals) should stay with you or be sent back to mom. I'll send you the pictures we took when they come back. Tell [your girlfriend] hello, and thank her for the thoughtful idea of a gift of a penguin. The more I think of it, the more I laugh and like the idea. It's the closest thing I'll have to a pet in here! :-) She sounds so great and like a beautiful person, I'm very happy your paths have crossed. Well pretty tired, I'll write or talk to you soon.

12/25/2007

Merry Christmas! The last few days have been a blur. My whole family has been up to visit, including my father. It was so good to see him and we had a great day of visiting and laughing. I wish he could have stayed longer but some time is better than no time. I've gotten to see mom four times in the last week which has been incredible and my brother has been up every day since the 19th and will be back tomorrow. I have such a tremendous network of beautiful people who love and support me including my immediate family, my aunts and of course my grandmother. It's overwhelming to know I am so loved and blessed, while others in here have no one. That being said I will be glad when the holidays are over. Seems like everyone here is more vulgar, violent, loud and obnoxious. The Christmas meal was good tonight and included pork loin. I ate so much I feel sick. Through talking with my brother I found out that at least my wife (soon to be ex-wife) is reading the letters and cards I'm sending her. If I had one Christmas wish it would be to patch things up with her. Everything else good in my life would be enhanced by that. I would get to be a part of my son's life and I could endure anything else after that, including spending the rest of my life in here.

12/22/2007

Crazy week! So busy and tired I didn't even write, plus there isn't really anything to write about. I got some more Dharma books in the mail, a letter from mom and a Christmas card from Erin. She sent a picture of her girls finally so the inmate down the tier can start on the drawing I paid for. My brother and mom are in town for the holidays, so I have gotten to visit them the last 3 days. It's been amazing! My father is even going to visit on Christmas eve! The whole family will be here, and I get free pics, yeah! The bummer part of the last few days is that I got served divorce papers. I knew she wanted a divorce, but I guess I always had a hope that she would change her mind, or maybe it is just one of those inmate fantasies that play in your head. You know the ones, appeals working, governor's pardons, wife standing by your side. The worst part is that I won't be able to see my son. That hope is gone now also. I have to somehow work through this.

12/16/2007

Still tired from working the Pow wow yesterday. Food was good and it would have been better if I had a visitor to sit with me the whole day. But as I didn't, so it really wasn't much fun and it was loud, I wouldn't go again if I didn't have to. Got a letter yesterday from mom. She sent a bunch of old pictures of my brother and me. I was the ugliest child I've ever seen. Seriously. My brother was cute as a button though. I only vaguely remember a couple of the photos and the others not at all. As I sat there looking at them, I seem happy in all of them and I began wondering. Wondering how a scrawny kid with an Annie soundtrack record album go from happy to life in prison? I had a good upbringing, loving parents, grandparents, was loved and cared for, got most of the "toys" I asked for, was active with playing outside with friends, etc. No traumatic events, no abuse, no witnessing of a horrible act, nothing. How the hell did I get here? I don't fit the mold of ANY of the convicts here. Is this it? The last chapter of my life? No redemption? No love? No warmth or touch? Christ! I'm on my pity pot tonight. I was crabby at my visits today too. Both Theron and Erin came up and every time I spoke I was snappy, judgmental, cynical and crabby. I hope they will forgive me. They are just some of the few god things left in my life and I don't want to chase them away. I did take some pictures with them so I can send pics to them and keep a copy for myself. Mom said in her letter that my dad is coming down to visit also. I wonder why I heard it through her? Why hasn't he written and told me himself? She also said she got to meet with my wife and son. It is always away from her house. I wonder what the big secret is? Nothing would hurt or surprise me anymore, but if she is being distant and cold to hurt me or my family, well that's just wrong. If the sins of the father don't transfer to the son, then the son's sin definitely shouldn't be visited on the father, mother, brother or anyone else. It's even more fucked up because there was no sin! I have to learn to let it go, let go and let God. It feels as though 95% of my total suffering stems from the loss of my wife and kid. Do all inmates suffer as I do? I as acutely? If so what tremendous house of despair this is and no wonder the heavy air in here. I wish the end would come. Any end as long as it is the end.

12/14/2007

Busy day getting ready for the pow wow tomorrow. If I didn't have to go, I wouldn't. Too long of a day of business, work and noise. 10am-8pm! Not only will I be the only white man there, but I will be the only one without a visitor. Oh well, at least I get paid extra for it. I mailed a few Christmas cards today. I wrote a letter for some of the others but I'm waiting to mail them till I get my photos back. Well, I think I'll read till I fall asleep.

12/13/2007

Haven't written in a couple of days. Been sick with a chest cold. I'm exhausted because I can't sleep at night because of the coughing. Today's my Father and Brother's birthday. I didn't send them a card because I'm waiting to get my pictures back and my bro will be here next week anyway. I got my Christmas cards ready to go, just waiting for the pics. Got 3 more books in the mail. Not much else going on.

12/10/2007

Got a letter from my aunt Cynthia. Enrolled in a 12 year Siddha Yoga program. Received 5 new Buddhist books in the mail and got a letter from my Dharma pen pal, Heather. Busy, busy. Ordered some "how to draw" discount books and a hot pot. Traded my analog radio for a digital one, straight up, good deal. Waxed my floor, 2 coats. Shiny now and hopefully keeps the dust bunnies away. I cut perfume and cologne samples out of a mag so my room can smell good. Keep busy, keep the suffering at bay. Later.

12/8/2007

Coughing and hacking. I was up all last night. Slept on and off most of today to make up for loss of sleep. It's snowing pretty good right now. The prison sodium lights are usually really annoying but tonight I kinda like them because it lights up the snow fall so I can see it. I rather be a snowflake. Unique, beautiful, purposeful and short lived. Sounds like the perfect existence right now.

12/7/2007

I don't feel insightful or deep today. I feel just shallow and blah. I have a head cold and athlete's foot and a stomach ache from too much coffee. Blah. I found out last night that the only thing worse than being in prison is being in prison with a migraine. It was so bad I skipped my theology class and slept (or tried to) from 4pm to morning. I got up once with dry heaves. Terrible. I'm watching Bewitched, the movie and I'm thinking the migraine was better. I got fined $2 for my write-up today. This place is crazy. The triple copy of carbon paper the use for the write-up costs more than $2! Crazy place! Well, I better wrap this up, I need to write my brother and tell him he was approved for the special visits.

12/6/2007

Up and down day. My brother's special visits were approved but I got shook down and got a write-up. Don't know what the penalty is yet. Bummer. Oh, the write up was for having a pair of sweat shorts that "wasn't on my property list."

12/5/2007

Terrible head cold that seems to be spreading to my chest. It's making me crabby and it doesn't help that the fish next door can't light a cig. off the outlet without blowing the fuse so now I missed my shows tonight. I have to get him off this tier. There are 101 things I don't like about him and tonight he added to t hat. I'll think of something.

12/4/2007

Pendulum of emotions today. HUGE swings from joy or happiness to crumbling depression, back to peaceful acceptance to tearful reminiscing.

12/3/2007

Burning the karma candle at both ends.

12/2/2007

Theron visited and I got to talk to my brother on the phone, so overall a good day. I ordered some tuna and mayo and bread from commissary. It's the first tuna sandwich since being arrested. Yum!

12/1/2007

Did some business today. Sold some Christmas cards for tokens, then I turned around and spent the tokens on getting a haircut and shave from the barber when I wasn't on a list yet. Not sure if that's against the "rules" or not but who cares. What are they going to do, put me in prison? Ha! Shaved my head again. It's easier than worrying about shampoo, conditioner, combs, etc. Finished a book today about reincarnation and Christianity. Honestly, it was pretty weak. Not a lot of support or fact in the book and the book is only 108 pages long. Oh well. O n the complete opposite side of the "reading" scale, I was given a copy of "Gorgeous Glutes". That didn't really trip my trigger either. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a beautiful woman in a string bikini or thong, but honestly after 2 years of no women, I don't have ANY libido. Gonna turn in. Goodnight.

11/29/2007

Weird weird weird. That's the day I have had. Started off pretty normal with work. I had a couple of hours off because the boss took a long lunch. I did fix the photo database though, so... (pat myself on the back). I had my systematic theology class tonight and that went well as usual. I've been finding a lot of similarities between Buddhism and Christian philosophy or whatever you want to call it. So much so in fact I really don't know what to label my faith/religion. Not that I feel I need to label it but just for convenience-sake. So I'm sitting in my cell literally doing nothing, just sitting and 2 separate inmates (that are new) stop by my cell and ask if I am Christian and offer me free stuff. One was a crucifix (which I already own) the other inmate gave me some writings. I said yes to the question out of pure reflex and sheer laziness not wanting to explain what I believe. But it weirds me out anyway. My night got stranger when another inmate (this one I know) gave me half a prison pizza. I won't bore you with what a prison pizza is but it is the closest thing we get to pizza in here and it's made with ingredients you can get off the comy. list. It was good. That's it, days over, going to bed.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 11-29-07

How good to hear from you again! I was very pleased to learn that your cell status has been changed so that you no longer have the same worries as before. I am also happy to hear that the dharma group has been implementing the discussion time after meditation. I think that is so important to the group and to each of the individuals to have that opportunity to express and share their thoughts and experiences with each other. This is one of the most important ways the sangha can support each other.
Of course I am concerned with your scheduling conflict. I think it is positive that you are involved hi a number of different activities but I also think think the sangha could be a great support to you. (And you to them!) So I hope that your efforts to change the days are successful for all of you. Please keep me posted on this.
Ok- now to what I sense is the big issue for you right now. The depression and the difficulty you are having being able to bring yourself to the cushion. So I can suggest a couple of things. First, I would say don't try to force it. If its not working and you feel yourself resisting it then I would advise you to listen to that. Everything comes hi its time and when you are ready for it to. I think it is also important to be aware that sitting meditation creates a situation in which our awareness is drawn to those things that arise in our minds, that maybe we would rather not pay attention to, or try to avoid. If you are feeling depressed right now then sitting practice may be amplifying those feelings. I wonder if it would help if you were able to share what you are feeling depressed about. I understand that this might be difficult for a number of different reasons. But I can also assure you that if and when you are ready to do that I will listen to whatever you bring to me with compassion and without judgment.
I think it also may be helpful if you tried using a mantra during your practice. It would give you something to focus on and might help temper any negativity that does arise. I would suggest beginning with something like Om Mani Padme Hum. This is often referred to as the mantra of compassion. If you would like I could send you some more information about it For now you could just imagine sending out compassion to all living beings as well as yourself, while you recite it during your meditation.
I hope you enjoy the Mandala subscription. Let me know if you come across anything you find especially interesting.
Take Care of yourself. And try and be easy with your practice. Let me know how it goes.

With Loving Kindness,
Heather

11/28/2007

Felt weird today. Scatter brained, confused, anxious. Sick of people trying to hustle me, give me this, give me that bullshit! Everybody wants something for nothing, cons are the worst. Fight on the tier above me tonight, last like 10 minutes, never broken up, cops are clueless here, they have no idea what goes on here. I did a lot of reflecting today, like I said , what I really missed today was laughter. Not laughing at dirty jokes or at someone else's expense, not snickering at the cops, not dark laughter when discussing the crazy prison system. I miss real laughter, filled with joy and love and warmth. My wife has the best laugh, loud, squinty eyes smiling, from the belly laugh. To hear her laugh would make your darkest moods disappear. I miss her laugh, I miss her. I miss the laughs and giggles of my son. It melts my heart just remembering it, just imagine what it could do if I could hear it again. Yeah, that is what I miss the most today. Maybe I miss that because I'm reflecting on my oldest son's b-day today.

11/26/2007

Watching Journeyman. Pretty good show. Cop just came by to give me a random breathalyser test. I couldn't stop giggling while doing it because it is the first one I've ever taken in my life and it's while already behind bars!!! Not that I couldn't use a beer! Lord that sounds good, but I'm not about to start drinking home-made hooch from a toilet. I received some money from my grandmother today, I will write her a thank you after this. I also got a letter back from the Buddhist correspondence course stating my application has been approved and I am now on the "waiting list" which is 2 years long. Oh well, not that I'm going anywhere. Speaking of which, my lawyer came up today and conveyed in person that he appeal failed and was just as disappointed as I was and baffled. After I asked him what is next his exact words were "You're screwed." No more appeals, there are certain channels I can still go through but he said the probability of them working are little to nothing. So literally the only way out of here is by an act of God or a body bag. Wait and see, grow old, wait and see. My life would be worth something, my suffering ended if only I could be a part of any of my children's lives. I'm in no mood to write grandma now.

11:00 PM
Can't sleep, decided to write grandma. Cop went by and handed out our monthly balance sheet for our money accounts. I have $99 to spend so I decided to buy a Hot Pot and get a subscription to Tricycle. So I can only spend $25/week (which is a stupid rule) so I broke it down like this: 11/27: comy. supplies like stamps, coffee, sugar, bread, tuna, peanut butter, etc. = $35
12/3: Hot Pot for $24.10
12/11: Tricycle subscription. for $24
I'll get the comy. delivered on 12/2, the Hot Pot probably around the end of the month and the tricycle subscription 4-6 weeks from 12/11 so... end of January, maybe? Like I said stupid rule with spending limits. Everybody would be happeir without them and the prison and CBM (who supplies the goodies) would get more money. Anyway, I'll have to watch my money intake because I'm only allowed $140/mo being deposited and grandma's $50 plus my $49 pay-check leaves me with only $51 more that can be added without stiff penalties. It helps to write it all out so I can keep it straight i n my head. Sorry to bore you all. Good night.

Hey Bro-

How is everything going? How are things with the main squeeze? Things are alright here. Mom and I had a good visit this week. What did you do for Thanksgiving? They actually had a good meal here, I almost puked, seriously! I'm sending you a comic strip that made me laugh because that was totally me on Thursday. I'm also sending you the latest journal entries. Plus I'm sending you a clip-out of the Christmas gift I want [3rd son] to have. I was wondering if you could ask around the family for me to see who can send it to him. I filled out a slip to buy it myself then realized it was hard cover so I couldn't receive it and th en ship it out. So please ask around who could purchase it and send it to [3rd son]/[2nd wife] in place of sending me more money or books. Thanks and let me know. I have quite a few of his (Bo Lozoff) books but this is his only children's book. "The Wonderful Life of a Fly Who Couldn't Fly"! H a! Prefect!

Looking forward to seeing you next month. I'm going to grab and fill our the paperwork so you can visit me more th an twice when your here, so let me know what day you want to visit. Make sure you keep trying to call and talk to [2nd wife] till you get her to commit to seeing you for as long as YOU like. Nothing else to report that you can't read elsewhere. Love you [Brother]. Write back soon with an update.

- Love [Author]

P.S. I am so proud and honored to have you as my main communicator/translator/hub of my thoughts and writing and wishes. Please know that my hear truly fills with love and joy when I think of you and everything you have done for me, and continue to.

11/25/2007

Commissary day! Hooray! I wasn't sure if I was going to get it or not. I have a $25 limit per week and with a book order for $20.15 and $20 worth of com. I went over. Yeah! for the small victories! Things still annoying me today. I spent most of the day reading. I'm reading "The Three Pillars of Zen" by Phillip Kapleau. I've read it before many years go. In fact it was the first book I read after discovering Buddhism in high school. I personally think it is the best book on Zen. It covers everything from beginning to advanced stuff and gives real life western examples of people asking questions. Well just read it, it would be easier. I need to commit to sitting and meditating more. I've been lazy, which is why I'm probably anxious and annoyed. My only beef with Zen is that it never really mentions God. Sure the law of karma, enlightenment and becoming aware of Everything is one. But they never say what the one is. Well it doesn't matter, I know, I KNOW the one is God. I also know that through prayer and meditation I can come to know God more intimately or become enlightened or whatever you want to call it. I have nothing, NOTHING else to strive for. With the failure of the appeal and not having contact with my wife and any of my children, I don't have the chance to be a father in any form. No bills to pay, no job to worry about, no family to support. I'm in a really dirty, stinky, loud, temptation ridden, hell hole of a monastery. But a monastery none the less, so I might as well start treating it like one and get to work on my spiritual path. Whatever that is. Philippians 2:12-13

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who work in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Yeah, time to live it. So how do I do that in here? I can be "good", not get into trouble, be a "model inmate", pray, meditate. But really, it is really about faithful waiting. I mean come on, what else really can I do? Sit, pray, meditate and faithfully wait. Wait for enlightenment or the "end of days" or death. All will be the justified end. Heaven, peace, quiet, reunited with loved ones and family. That is the only thing I have to look forward to. But till then... sit, pray, meditate, grow old and faithfully wait. I know He hasn't left me, forgives me and is waiting for me. I know He hears me, protects me. I know I can speak to Him, meditate on Him, somehow serve Him, but how? How? I wish someone reading this blog would write me. It would be nice to know that my thoughts and words are reaching somewhere. That someone somewhere either can relate, or shares the same insight or feelings or even thinks I'm full of shit. Either way. Not that I am alone, I have a lot of support from my family and friends, but they're biased :-) I am blessed heavily though.

11/24/2007

Theron visited. He had Thanksgiving over at his parents house with like 18 other people. Jeez, that's a lot of people in one house. I can't remember the last Thanksgiving I spent with that many friends and relatives. I spent it with about 400 people, but not quite the same thing. I'm on edge today. Everything seems to annoy me. The usual zombie walking people walking in front of you cutting you off in line, the smack talk between the tiers, the yelling at the football games, the CO's checking to make sure my door is shut every 15 minutes, everything.

11/23/2007

Mom came and visited again today. We ran out of things to talk about but it was good to just be in her presence. I got a letter returned today from a inmate correspondence place. Oh well. Not much else happened today. Finished reading the winter 2007 issue of BuddhaDharma and now am watching Elf.

11/22/2007

Happy Turkey day! I was supposed to have a "paid day off" but I ended up being called to the Chapel 3 separate times and to the visit room once. I won't bore you with the reasons why but they were all bogus mistakes on the part of the staff, not me. I had a real Thanksgiving dinner though. Turkey, stuffing, corn, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, dinner roll, pumpkin pie and ice cream. Afterward I felt like puking. On the way out of the mess hall they handed out what the inmates label "boats". It's basically those cardboard bowls you get nachos in at the baseball game. Well each inmate got 2 "boats". One filled with meat & cheese, veggies and dip and the other filled with various chips and salsa. So that was cool. That was my holiday, I wonder what my kids did?

11/21/2007

Got a letter from Bonnie with a funky drawing and a couple of pictures. Theron visited this afternoon and said he'll be back this weekend also. They called me down to the visit and I thought it was my lawyer, so my stomach was flip-flopping. Mom visited tonight. It was a good visit filled with ups and downs. I honestly believe that it is harder emotionally for my family and friends and anyone on the outside than it is for me and the people on the inside.

11/19/2007

Pretty boring today, nothing much happened. I lent a bag of coffee to a dude last week in exchange for two from him this week. Trying to help him out, you know? Well it is time for him to pay up but he keeps giving me the run around. This other dude, I lent him batteries for his radio and a stamped envelope and let him read my paper when I'm done. well the guy said he would pay me back when he gets his commissary. Guess what? He got his com. and no payment when I come to collect. To make matters worse this dude actually got pissy when, I don't "read the paper fast enough"; comes sniffing around over and over with his hand out. Unbelievable! So I ask, what do you do? If I was a true convict I would "punk them out" teach each a less by slapping them around to show that they can't. play with me that way and to show others the same. But I'm NOT a convict. I'm a man sitting in prison for the rest of my life trying to help people out where I can and trying to keep my sanity, my ... me; I'm trying to stay me! But how much can I take? How long can I be taken advantage of? Be dumped on? Do I harden my heart to other inmates and never help them out or try to work through this feeling of being used? I don't have answers only questions. That is the drama I face in here. Pathetic, weird, but real. I did get good news today though. I found out I get paid extra for taking photos which is part of my job. I'll make an extra #30-$40 in tokens for December. So that's cool. Plus I found out that I have to attend the POW-WOW in December and not only do I get paid extra for that, but I can invite anyone from the outside to hang out with me down there for the entire day! It's on December 15th which is a Saturday. Not sure who would want to hang out at a prison POW-WOW all day or for that matter, COULD hang out all day. I'll have to ask around and see. Talk to you all later.

11/18/2007

I was called down to a visit today. I instantly knew it was my Aunt since the other 2 people on my list visited yesterday. It's always good to see her and talk to her. Not much else happened today. Got my commissary so i have a pen again, and I mailed out all my letters. Now I'm out of stamps again till next Sunday. All my letter writing is caught up so the next book of stamps should last a while. I got screwed out of a shower all weekend. I couldn't shower on Saturday because I was working in the chapel and today because I was at a visit. The CO's could have let me shower at 4:00 or 8:00 but they decided to be dicks. So I took a bird bath in the sink. That's all the excitement for today.

11/17/2007

8:30am
Couldn't get out of bed this morning. I'm just so tired. Skipped work, I hope the other dude went up and setup everything, but honestly I don't care, I really don't need to be there. Skipped rec and shower also, too tired. Writing this is just something to do since I can't sleep with everybody coming in from rec. Noisy.

9:30pm
Both Erin & Theron visited today. Good to see Erin again after the baby.

11/16/2007

Daughters birthday today. Conviction upheld yesterday, God the agony of it all. Spent most of the day in a haze. Sounds cliche, but it's accurate. Felt like I was stoned, everything had a tunneled disconnected feeling. Conversations, meals, work, everything... like I'm not even here anymore. Sat through Friday church in the back and listened to the visiting men's choir, they were good and reminded me of my grandfather. I was called down to the Unit Coordinator's office toward the end of church. I got a book sent to me from my aunt. It looks good. That same CO that came around complaining about his life came around again. This time bragging that he is getting a new HD TV on the day after Thanksgiving. Clueless. I'm going to sleep.

11/15/2007

I'm exhausted. It's been a trying and busy day. Started with a "go! go! go!" attitude form my boss at work. I got the programs designed and printed for this weekend's special event. I also finished typing "Going Deeper" by Bo Lozoff. Spend my afternoon break reading the first half of Thich Nhat Hanh's "Breath! You Are Alive" I finished it up about 5 minutes ago. It's only 63 pages long but very good. I also had my theology class tonight, it was deep and insightful and fun as usual. Pastor Steve let me borrow a concordance to help me study the Bible. I received a letter from my lawyer this afternoon stating that my appeal failed. It didn't hit me as hard as I th ought it would. I feel numb. Tired. Maybe it helped that I didn't get my hopes up or maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. Or maybe on a level I excepted a long time ago, that I'm not getting out of here alive. I feel more shitty of the fact that a lot of my family chipped into hire the lawyer and it just went to waste. When I talk to mom, I need to mention a support group/website called MAMM (Mothers Against Mandatory Minimums) [see FAMM]. Of course she'll read this and know. The lawyer stated in his letter that he will be up to see me and discuss my options. If any of them involve more money, I'm telling him to take a hike. I refuse for my family to go through any more financial suffering on my behalf, they h ave enough of that as it is plus the regular suffering of the rest of it. Well time to sleep. Later.

11/14/2007

I just decided to type "Going Deeper". I'm still using a "contraband" pen and want to keep it a secret as long as I can till Sunday, when I get another one from commissary. Plus I'm lazy, plain and simple. I started typing it today though and I'll send a copy to my brother to post. Watched my shows tonight! Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman and Life. Read a little book 30 pages long called "Be Free Where You Are" by Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm going to reread it, but so far my favorite line in the book is:

"Everyone walks on earth, but there are those who walk like slaves, with no freedom at all. They are sucked in by the future or by the past, and they are not capable of dwelling in the here and now, where life is available. If we get caught up in our worries, our despair, our projects, our regrets about the past, and our fears of the future in our everyday lives, we are not free people. We are not capable of establishing ourselves in the here and now."

Well I understand that intellectually and know it to be true in my heart, but God, I am just not there. I'm still a child. I just want to be held, hugged and loved. I watched a news report today showing these armed forces Dads surprising their kids at their school or whatever. To see the kids' reactions and them leaping into their fathers arms and hugging them... well let's just say I didn't stop crying for quite a while and I have a fantasy to haunt me to the day I die.

"Not free" indeed.

11/13/2007

Borrowed a pen from work. I'll bring it back tomorrow. I hate writing in pencil. I got in trouble at work today for typing up and posting a list for free religious materials. Apparently everything has to be approved by the boss, even the most harmless memo. Oops. I'm supposed to be typing up a list on inmates who want to attend this function on Thanksgiving but the list was stolen. So I reposted it in the cell halls but it was stolen again. Juvenile. I got a letter to enroll in a Buddhist Correspondence Coarse. I filled it out but have to wait to send it out because I am out of stamps. Actually I have about 15 letters waiting to go out. I'll get my stamps on Sunday. Ok... so the weirdest thing just happened. An officer stopped by to talk at my cell (I knew him on the outside) and he was complaining and grumbling about his life and how the rest of his night is gonna suck because he has to spend it with his fiance rather than just going to bed. WHAT?! Are you serious? Poor him. People are just clueless sometimes. Including myself because I know there are a lot of people worse off than me. I read something last night that moved me so much that I'm going to have it posted on my blog along hopefully to a link to the organization. It was a newsletter from the Human Kindness Foundation. It was written by Bo Lozoff and I hope everyone will read it. Later.

11:30pm
Ok can't sleep. Too much coffee, too much thinking, remembering, missing, I keep saying little prayers then getting distracted and starting another little prayer. So I decided to transcribe Bo Lozoff's sermon that I mentioned earlier. Would it be easier to wait and type it or just send it to my brother? Yes, but where is the meditation in that? So here it is: The following was printed in Human Kindness Foundation's fall 2007 newsletter.

Going Deeper
A sermon by Bo Lozoff at Unity of the Triangle
Raleigh, NC, March 11th 2007

Well mission accomplished. I am no where near done transcribing "Going Deeper" but i am now tired. If I have time tomorrow maybe I'll type it up or maybe I need to write it long hand so it will "sink in", or maybe both. Probably both so it "sinks in" and typed so my brother can read my damn chicken-scratch writing. Goodnight, God Bless, pray that tomorrow is better.

11/12/2007

Pretty lazy again today. I slept most of the day. I did sneak up to work because I forgot to do some paperwork for Tuesday's activities. Spent the afternoon sleeping, reading the paper and the catholic worker. I watched all my shows tonight: Chuck, Heros, Journeyman. I'm kinda torn what to do with my paycheck this month. I want to buy a couple of comic books from the mail-order place (Manga Bible, Blood+) but I have enough to read right now and it is like $30 with shipping and handling. I would just wait to order th em except everything is offered for a limited time from one month to the next. I'm watching some old-school anime right now called Virus Buster Serge, so cool. God I'm a nerd. They should make prison for nerds like me. Stick us all together and provide anime, comic books, sci-fi novels and television. Throw in some video games and we would be the most docile zombies the prison system seems to want ot create. Anyway... better go, getting sleepy. I hope I get some more mail this week, something to look forward to.

11/11/2007

Pretty boring the last couple of days. Theron visited Saturday. I spent the weekend hiding out in the chapel, typing up my book study I'm doing with mom and organizing the office up there. I've seem to have lost my pen or someone stole it, but if that's the case they are the most pathetic thieves ever because that is the only thing they took. I probably left it somewhere. Well not much else going on. Later.

11/8/2007

Hit the jackpot today. Normal day up till mail pass out. I got my usual local paper and the new Catholic Worker. I also received a letter from Heather at Liberation Prison Project (my second one) stating that I am getting a gift subscription to Mandala, a meditation publication. Then I was called down to the Unit Coordinators office for property pickup. I got 5 books today.

1. Thoughts For Aspirants by N. Sri Ram
2. Thoughts For Houses of Healing: A Prisoner's Guide To Inner Power and Freedom by Robin Casarjian
3. Just Another Spiritual Book by Bo Lozoff (now I can return the library one)
4. Lineage and Other Stories by Bo Lozoff
5. Our New Spiritual Challenge: A Cross-fire Conversation on Traditional Religious Values and New Spiritual Wisdom by George Bockl

Pretty awesome huh? I also received back issues of the Human Kindness Foundation newsletter. Well pretty tired from staying up to check out the new books and flexing my brain in theology class tonight. Later.

11/7/20007

Waiting for my shows to start. Pushing Daisies isn't on because of the CMA's. Bummer, I love that show. Wednesday is a heavy T.V. night. I usually watch Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman, Life, Ghost Hunters. That puts me in zombie mode from 7-11pm. I tried to order some books from this discount place called Edward R. Hamilton but they were sold out of the books I ordered so they refunded my money. Bummer. I picked some more off their list and sent them more money, we'll see what happens.
10:00pm
Well I did it. I wrote my wife the letter. I poured it out, truthfully, honestly. I hope she opens it and reads it. I hope she takes it seriously. I pray that she responds one way or another. I hope and pray I get to be a part of their life again, it would make my life worth living. But if she writes back and tells me to fuck off, at least I'll know. She has gone through so much suffering and it kills me that I am the cause of most of it and can't remedy any of it. I can't even offer support for the other problems she has had. It really eats me up. I never gave much thought to that cliche saying until I actually felt it. It literally feels like it is eating you up from the inside.

11/5/2007

Boring.

11/4/2007

Pretty boring day. No visits, no mail. Just your average day in prison.

11/3/2007

Totally a lazy day today. I slept on and off till 10:00am when I was called to a visit. It was my best friend Theron. It was a good visit. I got a letter today from Rev. Richard Baksa at the Buddhist Association of the U.S. I had done a mass mailing about a month ago to all these Dharma and pen pal places and very few have responded as of yet, but he is one of th em. He states in his letter that they no longer offer a pen pal program but he gave me some address of places that do. I wrote each of them a letter tonight. They do have a Buddhist Study course that I might start. He also gave me an application for a place called LostVault.com they have a pen-pal program. They charge $5 for me to file it by mail or I can do it free online. Maybe I'll send it to my brother, maybe. Well I need to write to the Rev. and tell him I am interested in his Buddhist Study coarse and ask him to send the list of books that he provides. I had another inmate ask me if I wanted to be cell mates with him but I like my privacy, plus he is one of the biggest mooches ever, so thats a big NO! Well better get to writing that letter.

11/2/2007

Hectic day today, super busy. Friday is the busiest day at work. Then after work it was s upper then off to church, which ended up being more work because mics didn't work, people weren't on the list, blah blah. Church was good though. We had an outside quartet sing most of the night. They were pretty good! I called my mom afterward to see if she was in town like she hinted at in her letter. She decided to wait until closer to Thanksgiving which makes sense. She was upset at some of my journal entries. The ones where I try to communicate what I'm feeling more specifically my depression and my ranting of how close I can to suicide in jail. She was worried that some kind of charges might be filed against me, like that would make a difference with the sentence I'm serving. Plus the point of my sharing all of that was to1

1. show that I overcame the urge and still have hope
2. to show how little the jail/prison administration cares what we do or feel, and
   
3. to communicate what 98% of the people incarcerated think about and feel.

Any inmate that tells you he is not depressed, angry, and have never thought of ending it all is a liar! They are fronting, posturing and lying to their loved ones, the administration and themselves. Any warden or shrink that says there is no problem and th at they are helping and treating depression is a liar also. I'm very very sorry if the story I shared upset my family and friends, but frankly it is an upsetting thing and I promised to be honest and write what i feel and think. My moods are circular as are most peoples and life in general, which is what I tried to illustrate in my poem "Schism". For example, today I feel fine. Not happy, still lonely and missing my wife and kids and family and friends, but no anywhere near the depth of darkness I felt just a week or two ago. Anyway... I love my family very much and would never do anything to hurt them or put them in danger. They are the only thing I have left and I wouldn't jeopardize that in anyway. Well, gonna go to bed. Later.

11/1/2007

9:30pm
Good day today. Despite a horrible night of sleep (I was up till 3am) and waking up at 6am for the day, I still had energy. Work was OK. I fixed a lot that was wrong with the excel spreadsheets and access database. It was mostly little stuff like redoing the formulas, but it still felt good to dig back into the world of computers and not only remember what I was doing but to have it work! Then I got back to my cell to discover my mail already delivered. Jackpot! I got my usual newspaper along with my first issue of BuddhaDharma magazine. So I was super pumped when I lift those up and underneath were two letters! The first was a returned letter from Healing Tao Prisoners Program. I guess that program is still around because the sticker said "Forwarding Order Expired" which I assume means they are still around but not at that address. If anyone knows the new address, please let me know. The second letter was from my brother. He has the blog up and running and it looks great! I was kinda apprehensive about doing it but now that I got to see screen shots, I'm really pumped! Maybe something good can come of all this. I'll keep writing everyday no matter how boring or in what style. I'll just let it flow with complete honesty. I really like his idea bout keeping me semi-private, but I really do want people to write me. A pen pal would be sweet, so I encourage people to email my brother and receive the address and guidelines for writing me directly. I'm so weirded out right now knowing that not only am I writing my journal (which is the only suggestion the crack head shrink had) but also addressing my friends and family but talking to complete strangers also. Scary but exciting. The day wrapped up with my theology class which is always awesome. Well I'm getting tired so I'm going to try to sleep. Later.
11:30
Ok Seriously! I'm trying to sleep but can't because some douche is coughing and hacking and sneezing everyone 30-45 seconds, literally! I know who it is and the cause of his irritation (sniffing prescription welbutrin, call bennies), just another night in paradise.

10/31/2007 10:00pm

I was to have the day off today, with pay, but I went to work anyway. Quieter up in the chapel, did some organizing. Kept zoning out thinking about my kids, wondering what they are doing for Halloween, remembering the ones I got to spend with them. So few, but precious. I watched Pushing Daisies and Life tonight on TV. Both ended up making me weep. I don't even know why. It seems all my misery and suffering comes from me remembering the past and holding onto it. What a blessing it would be to wake up with amnesia. Not to remember who I am or anything. My suffering and pain is every cliche I can think of. It is tangible. It has weight, it crushes, it invades, penetrates every thought, every pore, it surrounds me like an aura. It smells, stinks like ammonia, sweat, shit, desperation. Every breath in is choking agony. Every breath out, strained pushing, fearful dread that I have to inhale again, and again. Sleep is the only escape. If only it could last. I'm going to try to get some relief.

10/30/2007 10:00pm

Nothing spectacular today. Noisy at work because they're doing construction. I got a letter returned because I got the address wrong. Not a big deal right? Wrong it takes me 2 hours of work to buy a stamp and envelope. Man that's messed up. On the outside if you make $10/hr that means it would cost you $20 to mail a letter or $30 to buy a soda. Or better yet, how about a $160 bag of freeze dried coffee. LOL... I got 7 books today. 7! 6 Dharma books from a monastery and 1 from Copeland ministries. Crazy. I'm keeping them in my office in the chapel because otherwise I have to donate th em. I can only have 10 books in my property, so I'll keep them up there and read them then donate them. Later.

10/29/2007 9:00pm

Some of the fog has lifted. I am in a little better spirits today. Absolutely nothing has changed or happened, which leads me further to think that my problem might be chemical. I don't feel good or better, just numb, not as dark or tired. I got a couple of letters today. One from mom and another from a woman named Heather from the Liberation Prison Project. She is a Buddhist teacher and says I can write her with questions. Pretty cool. Nothing else to report.

10/28/2007 11:30pm

Couldn't write for a couple of days. Boring, dark days. No energy, hope. I'm so tired. Theron visited today. Even that was strained. We ran out of things to talk about early on. Nothing really to report. Violent around here lately, lot of fights. Erin had her baby, Sophia is her name. I wrote her a card. Even that was painful, torture. Every bright word, happy wish, sincere but painful to me. God I'm TIRED. Too tired even to sleep, I just lay there thinking, I'll watch TV and hopefully sleep will come.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 10-28-07

I just wanted to let you know that the liberation prison project has started a subscription to Mandala for you. I hope you enjoy it.

Kind Regards
Heather

10/24/2007

Another day in the book. I found a gem today. Someone donated some books to the chapel and since I work there I get first dibs. Well one of the books was "Just Another Spiritual Book" by Bo Lozoff. I read his other book "We're All Doing Time" and really liked it. I hope this one is just as good. J.G. starts with me in the chapel tomorrow. Watching Hellraiser 2 right now, nothing else to write about.

10/23/2007

What a hectic day. There was an all-staff meeting today and I had to scramble to do a whole days work in just the morning. Then to find out that I didn't setup anything right for tonights services. I got called up to the chapel and had to setup everything by myself. I don't even know what to do! Well I sweated and stumbled through it. Wrote dad a letter, finished Dharma In Hell and tried to call my brother. That's about it for the day.

10/22/2007

8:30pm -- They hired a second person for the chapel today. I used to work it him in braille and is the closest thing I have to a friend in here. See... proof that God answers prayers. Not only do I [not] have to worry about the stress of doing everything by myself, but I also get to work along with someone I can tolerate. I also got a book in the mail today. "Dharma In Hell The Prison Writings of Fleet Maull" by Fleet Maull. So overall a pretty good day, right? NO I know I suffer from depression. That it is not just a "bad day" environmental thing, because I feel so low, hopeless, like crying. It is a chemical thing also. I've been to the mental counselor three times and he tells me that it is normal, whatever. I don't know what to do.

11:30pm -- I've just read the first 85 pages of 125 of Paul Fleet's Dharma In Hell. Since being locked up I have never read a more accurate, dead-on, truthful account of prison and the inmate. Every word, sentence, paragraph describing jail, prison, guards, inmates, ?[proceet], ?[ures,] economy, hostility, depression, all of it is exactly the way it is here... the way that I have felt and continue to feel. Anybody wanting to know what prison is like and what I feel, should get this book immediately. It's so accurate it is spooky.

10/21/2007

Theron came to visit today. Had a good time as usual. Commissary day, so I'm stocked up on coffee, soups, stamps, envelopes. Other than that nothing else really to report. Oh wait! I got shook down again! Second time in a week! There is something going on around here. Oh well, I got nothing to hide, if they want to waste their time, let them.

10/20/2007

Erin came to visit this morning. She's so miserable because her due date is tomorrow and nothing is happening. It's always good to see her. I got a letter from mom about the study we're doing together. I'll type her up a reply tomorrow morning and mail it out. Other than that a pretty boring day. Slept, read, ate, repeat.

10/18/2007

It's days like this that are dark, grim reminders of where I'm at. The day was normal enough, until the afternoon when I was asked if I have seen "D", the other new chapel orderly. He started about 3 weeks before I did. Native dude. Well it turns out that he got padlocked (for you non-inmates that means someone put a padlock in a sock and meat him with it) and stomped (kicked while down). I didn't see it or see them take him out on a stretcher. I guess it was bad enough that they covered him completely upon the way out. Well the rumor is (and who really knows) that he is a snitch. He seemed like a nice enough guy to me but I just met him Monday. Either way I don't care, I absolutely hate violence and hope he is alright. I wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemies. Well I finished up the work day and was on my way to supper when I walked by the holding detention cell and saw the dude who is training me sitting in there handcuffed! Well I spoke to him real quick through the bars and I guess that "IP", which I can only assume means internal police, detained him and his cell-mate for questioning. How long he will be gone I don't know, but I know IP grabbed a ton of people for questioning. Anyway now I am all alone in the chapel doing a job that I know only 1/3 of, on the busiest day for chapel activities because not only do you prepare stuff for Friday, but for Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning also! SHIT! On top of all that, some inmates who I actually like shipped off to another prison (minimum security) and one that I can only classify as an enemy came back from max security to here. I had a run in with him in June. I'll just stay out of his way. Like I said, dark day. I hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day for everyone.

10/17/2007

Got a card from my Aunt Cindy today, with some pictures. It is always good to hear form her. I have close to a billion relatives on my mother's side and I only hear from a few. Oh well. Tried to call my brother again tonight but just got voice mail. Other than that, a pretty standard day. I need to read some theology for tomorrow's study. Later.

10/16/2007

Well another day gone. Nothing too exciting today. A dude paid me back $5 today. It was supposed to be double ($10) because that is what he promised me a month ago. I told him to just give me the $5 and we'll call it good. Then after he had the nerve to ask to borrow another $1 AND for me to hold his cigs for him in case he gets "shook down". What an ass! Like I'm ever helping him out for anything again. OK done venting now. Work was alright, I went back up to the chapel from 6:00-8:00pm and typed up some stuff. I kind of got a compliment form the CO. We were talking about building your own computers and video editing, you know joking around and stuff. Well afterwards she said that I really don't fit in around here and seem too smart to be here. I said thanks and she assumed I was doing 5 years for something stupid like DUI. I told her what my sentence was and it nearly bowled her over. She said she has never met a person doing as much time as me with such brains and positive attitude. I threw out the old but true cliche at her that not everyone in here is guilty and innocent people do get sent to prison. Her answer was "apparently". Anyway it felt good at the time. Now it just bums me out because if it is so obvious to the jaded COs that I'm not a criminal why wasn't it obvious to the cops, judge, jury, family and friends. Well tomorrow is another day, nothing to do but wait and see what it brings.

10/15/2007

Decided to write now since I still have the coffee buzz and energy. Up to this point it's been a pretty god day. I started my job at the chapel as an orderly. Another prayer answered! I heard all kinds of missed things from people. Job sucks, long hours, never in your cell to watch your shows, no visits, no chapel activities, etc. Absolutely none are true! Yes the hours are longer because you work weekends, but otherwise its 7:30-3:15 with count breaks and meals. The exception is Friday night because you have to get everything ready for the weekends and Monday morning. More hours means more pay though. Even with me starting a week later than I thought I'll still make $49 this month which is about $14 more than braille. I still get to go to my bible studies, rec at night, visits, and watch my can't-miss shows. Plus there are bonuses! Real coffee maker with real coffee, no freeze dried crap. That along with it is the only air conditioned place in the prison make it worth working there alone. Mary, one of my bosses, brought in Swiss Mocha Folgers, Folgers! Chocolate! It was such a surprise and a treat, I about cried! It's funny how it is the stupid little stuff that most people take for granted that is such a treat in here. I'm in charge of prison photos, chapel-inmate lists, special religious events, newspaper subscription and the chapel payroll. I understand there is opportunity to make some coin on the side, but I won't go into that or decided I [don't?] want the hassle. You do stay busy though and that made the day fly by. I was stressing because I thought the guy training me was leaving the end of THIS month, leaving me only a week of training, but he's not leaving till the first week in December, so plenty of time. Whew! As for th e rest of the day... I was called back to the dentist and they finished up filling my cavities. Just the one left so it didn't take long. I got a letter from my brother today. It is always super to hear form him and know of his California adventures! He sent some money which I will split between my phone account and spend. I think this month is the most money I've had placed in my account! I've been able to order double stamps and envelopes and coffee, along with buying a hot pot. Not much else to report for now.

7:00pm Holy Crap! I just got shook down! The CO was totally cool. Of all the stuff he could have taken from me he only took a magazine that didn't belong to me, and he let me keep my extra pillow for meditation. Then I got called down to the office for legal mail. The fun never stops.

10/14/2007 (...later)

Just finished The Purpose Driven Life day 2 and a poem came to me. I decided to write it down before I forget it. It can always be edited and revised later.

Wasted years, Tasted years
Broken by despair
Time crawls by, Don't know why
No one seems to care

Friends have left, friends forget
Replaced by Inmates
Family gone, They move on
Left to my dark fate

Wait! There's more, in my core
A spark of light and love
Whispered Hope, Helping cope
God's grace shines above

Hmm... I think it needs one more stanza to round it off and balance the dark first two. So far have kept the beat 6-5-6-5. It will come to me eventually.

10/14/2007

Decided to write early tonight. Got my commissary today, so I stocked up on coffee and tea and stamps, yeah! I'm a little agitated. Partly due to the caffeine, partly due for the fact that there was a beating today. It seems to happen almost every commissary day. Someone owes someone else or someone tries to strong-arm a fish or someone weaker into giving up their goodies. I don't know how which one it was tonight and I didn't see it personally, but I guess it was bad. Knocked out from the one punch and split his head on the tier cage and then stomped. I guess his cell mate pushed the emergency button otherwise it would have been worse, but I have no doubt that the cell mate will be labeled "snitch" and stomped also. The whole thing is stupid. Anyway... Theron came to visit today and that is always fun and uplifting. LOL! We were discussing building a space elevator and if you opened the top door and bottom doors at the same time would it just turn into a giant straw and empty all the earth's atmosphere into space! Seriously that is what we discussed! LOL! I'm going to catch up on my Systematic Theology course tonight, along with doing "A Purpose Driven Life". That should keep me busy the rest of the night. Tomorrow I start my new job. I don 't know what the hours are or the days I work, nor what I'm supposed to do. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Later

10/13/2007

Today is mom's birthday I gave her a call this afternoon. She sounds like she is doing well and I'm glad. We're going to start reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rich Warren, together. We decided to read the first 5 days and then swap letters afterwards. We'll continue from there. I am excited to read the book again and more excited to share it with someone I love. I h ope and pray she takes it seriously and does the questions. She and I read so many "spiritual" books but none have rang more true than this one. Sometimes you just have to cut away all the bullshit and get back to basics. Don't let other people's ideas about God, soul, heaven, hell, etc sell you. Find out for yourself. Everybody and I mean everybody knows right from wrong, good from bad, justice from injustice. They just have to stop reading, watching and believing everything they run into and listen to that center in yourself. It's there. Believe it. Listen. Anyway... speaking of have too much to read, I just wrote to 10 different places for Dharma and Yoga books. Plus a few places that have pen pal programs. Its different in here. I can diagnose my own problem in that I am trying to hold on to a "normal" life by acquiring as many possessions as possible. I'll see what happens. Hopefully I get my commissary tomorrow. I ran out of coffee and stamps. Nothing else much happened today. I'm catching up on my anime shows (Bleach, Blood+, Ghost in the Shell) then I'm going to bed.

10/12/2007

Pretty standard day here. Sleep, read, Sudoku, read, eat, repeat. I started reading The Bourne Supremacy but stopped bout 40 pages in cause I wasn't "feeling it". I decided to read Chuck Palahnuik's Lullaby. All I can say is WOW! I read it straight through 260 pages. I've forgotten how twisted funny and great his writing is. I've seen the movie Fight Club which he wrote and I vaguely remember reading Survivor. But what I remember is that I had the same reaction. I definitely need to read ALL of his stuff. I was going to donate the book to the library here after I read it, but now I want to keep it and read whenever I feel like it. That was my accomplishment for the day. I was going to go to church tonight but my cell door didn't open and if that's not a sign, I didn't know what is. The CO didn't come by till almost 7pm and by that time the service has been going for 45 minutes. I've started cutting out the 2 daily crosswords, I word jumble and the Sudokuout of the the paper. I don't know why. I suck at crosswords and word jumbles and I have enough Sudoku to last me 10 years. I've done the math... thats 728 crossword puzzles, 365 jumble-words, and 312 Sudokus for a years subscription of the paper that should last me another 10 years. That along with the bible studies, reading and TV; 20+ years should fly by with distraction and maybe by then I can be let out to go live alone by myself and institutionalized so I can't function in society anyway and I hang it up 20 years later instead of now. Cynical tonight. Hopefully better tomorrow.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] Intro Letter: 10-12-2007

My name is Heather. I am a teacher with the Liberation Prison Project and I have just received your most recent letter to us. I was happy to hear that you have an established Buddhist study group on Monday evenings. I want to say a few things about belonging to a Buddhist group and then I will address the questions you raised about your own group. I find it is helpful in my own practice to belong to a Buddhist group, or sangha, and to meet together so that we all have regular practice times. Belonging to a Buddhist sangha offers a lot of benefits to your practice; but basically it provides each member with the opportunity to both offer and receive support and encouragement. It can reinforce your commitment to your practice if you have made arrangements with others to meet at a certain time. It is also an opportunity to ask questions, study together, and talk about your understanding of Buddhist teachings with other people who are also interested in Buddhism. Now you mentioned a number of problems that you have encountered in your own situation and I will try and answer those each below.
First of all, you said that your Buddhist Study Group is scheduled for the same time as evening rec. I can see where this would be a definite conflict for other inmates and yourself. I am sure that you would all benefit from being able to be involved in both. I don't know if this is something you can try and change by working with prison staffer or not. But even if it isn't then you can still do your best to positively influence those around you. By this I mean a couple of things. First, you can encourage the interest of others. In addition to talking to anyone that expresses an interest, you could make up signs or flyers, as a way of giving out more information about your group and what you do. Second, the example you provide will say a lot about your practice to those around you. If they see that your practice affects your speech and your actions in a positive way that could spark an interest in others who are also looking for positive changes. Of course, ultimately you can only make decisions for yourself and others will also make their own choices.
You also mention that you have certain practices when you are alone but that when others are around it is more of a social meeting than a study or practice group. I can understand that. I remember when I first started practicing I was happy to bow to my Buddhist statue in the privacy of my own Buddhist room, but I was embarrassed and lacked the self confidence to perform these practices in front of anyone else. I think it must be especially difficult for you since you don't even have the opportunity to perform the more personal aspects of your practice with any privacy- even if you decided to do this outside of your group for now. Despite the fact that you have to share a cell due to overcrowding, I wonder if there are times when your cellmate is absent, that you could perform your prostrations or chanting? Is there a sympathetic staff member that you might be able to talk to about getting more privacy ror your practice given the circumstances? If there isn't anyone that can help you, and there isn't an alternative solution then you will have to decide if this is something that you want to continue to do. For example, maybe you would be more comfortable with these practices during your group time if others understood what they mean and why you perform them. I have asked for a pamphlet on prostrations to be sent to you. Hopefully this will be of some help, both to you in your own practice and in explaining it to others. I would be interested in hearing what you think of it.
I think organizing your time so that you can make the most out of your opportunities to study and practice is a great idea. I also think that developing a strong practice is something that evolves over time. You mention that you have included prostrations, chanting the heart sutra and meditating in your practice. These all sound good. In my own practice I find that I get the most benefit from it when I am able to "practice" throughout the day and not just on the cushion. For me, this means studying Buddhist books and sutras, talking to other people about Buddhist beliefs and ideas, chanting, meditating, developing compassion for others, and practicing mindful awareness. In our sangha we spend the first half of the group meditating and the second half taking turns reading a chapter from a Buddhist book. Then we have a discussion about our understanding of what the various ideas we have read mean to us in our lives, and in our practice. Maybe this is something that could work in your group?
I can also understand your confusion at having so many books to choose from. It can be hard to know where to begin. Of course this project is a part of the Tibetan tradition (The Ge lug sect in particular) And the advice we give comes from the perspective of this tradition. Regardless of this, I have always found the Dalai Lama's books to be insightful and full of compassion. If there are any of his books in the library there I would recommend starting with those. I think it is important to remember though, that all of the Buddhist books, regardless of tradition (I.e. Zen, Pure Land, Tibetan) will share a common message. They may have different rituals, practices and ways of expressing that message, and those differences could be confusing. That is why the Dalai Lama recommends choosing one path (or tradition) and sticking to that path. In some way its like knowing all the roads ahead of you will get you to the same city. You just have to stay on one long enough to get there. But if you walk just a little way (say down the Zen road) and then a little way (down the Pure Land Path) and a bit further (on the Tibetan road) you might find that you are walking a lot of different roads but not getting any closer to the city. Does that make sense?
At least that is true for some people. Other people really do seem to benefit from learning something about Tibetan Buddhism and then they might gain an important insight from a Zen practice and then they may continue to benefit from Tibetan practice again until they learn a little something more from Pureland. And so on. I think you will be able to best decide for yourself if you would like to read and follow only Tibetan teachings, or if you would like to follow a mainly Tibetan practice but enjoy reading the occasional book by another teacher in another tradition. From my own experience, I would say if you are just starting out that it might be best to stick to one road for now, and as you get more confident in your practice you will be able to better decide these things for yourself in the future.
You also comment in your letter.. ."I wish I could repay you for your kindness, but I am powerless in here." I would just like to say to that- that you are never powerless, wherever you are, and whatever situation you are in. And you always have something to give, even if it is just a kind word or a smile.
With Loving Kindness,
Heather

10/11/2007

Another day of laying bout. I forgot how slow time goes when you don't have a job. Slept all day till a headache woke me up. Went to afternoon rec and watched a pathetic softball game. I was going to call mom but she was just here and there is nothing really to say. Then I was going to call Mason (my brother) but he would be at work and I just sent him a letter 2 days ago. I had theology study class tonight. The other inmate, "C", was complaining he only gets to see his daughter once a week. Lord in heave I would literally cut off my left leg to be able to be a father again and see any of my kids, but yet I haven't written Kristy yet. Dang! They are hauling off my neighbor to the hole. I wonder what he did? Not my problem or business.
Well, shoot nothing else to report.

A Poem: Schism

Email in for a link to the website this is published on.

Schism
It's the most normal feeling in the world, like breathing.
It has always existed, like God.
This splitting, this tearing, this schism of...
(me) (mind) (soul)
Forever turning, revolving, flip flopping, like the wheel of karma.
I'm living in a Salvador Dali painting and reminiscing about autumn drives
through Spearfish Canyon; brief flashing reflections of beauty, color,
and love, on the windows of a hellish roller coaster.
Like the song says: "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
One minute knowing I am going home and everything will be the way it was.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
The next minute knowing I am going to rot and die in here.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A week of hearing a higher calling, of spreading the word and truth, helping
my fellow inmates to find peace.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A week of praying for a stroke, heart attack, falling asleep and not waking up.
A week's worth of altered children's prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord
my soul to keep. I pray I die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A month of peacefully numb acceptance.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A month of dark imaginings every time a plane skims the roof of the prison,
wishing it was 100 feet lower so it would end my nightmare.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Knowing God has a plan for me and to stay faithful.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Knowing that if Satan offered me back my life in return for my soul,
I wouldn't hesitate to sign on the dotted line.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held in my wife's loving arms.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held by straps in a padded cell.

I can't remember feeling any different.
I can't imagine feeling any different.
Breathe, Turn, Flip, Flop
Schism

Contributor's Notes...
[He] grew up in South Dakota, both east and west river. He is married, with three beautiful children. He has not seen any of them for almost two years.

10/10/2007

Well no work today. I don't start the chapel job till Monday and I' done with Braille. I slept and read on and off all day. I finished the Bourne Identity. It's nothing like the movie, but still good. I'm starting The Bourne Supremacy next. Got a new Sudoku book in the mail, I have enough puzzles to last me to the end of time. Watched a lot of TV tonight just zombied out. I really like Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman and Life.

10/9/2007

Holy crap I need to learn patience and to drown people out here. This dude on the tier above me has been yelling/conversing with someone else about 2 or 3 cells down. Literally every other word is F*&^k. Talking about "fags, niggers, chomos, fisting chicks, jews, and about every other ignorant, offensive thing you can think of. In fact he makes such a big deal about gay things and making comments about it, it makes me wonder about that saying about the more homophobic you are, the more gay and in the closet you are. Whatever, like I said, I need to learn more how to tune out. Well I showed up at the chapel for my new job, but was told I don't start 'till the 15th now. The chapel boss, Jennifer, said the shop manager for braille said I need to "finish a project." Like I said before the dude is a straight up liar. So I took my sweet time wandering over to braille. When I got there, I was told by one of the *inmate* supervisors that if I made up for the missed graphics for the last 2 weeks (7 graphics total) that I can leave. The manager didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. Gutless liar. I agree to the conditions then spoke to the planner who plan and hand out the graphics to the artists and had them give me 7 of the most ridiculously simple graphics. I kicked them out in no time and am now officially done. I wanted to verbally assault and cut down Pat on the way out but I remembered my anger/mindfulness exercises and just left. Now I'm not sure if I have the rest of the week off or go to work in the chapel tomorrow. Guess there is nothing to do but wait and see.

His letter ... 10/9/2007

Hey bro,
Well here are the first few days of the journal. I think I have to limit my mail to 5 pages per envelope, so that's why I have decided to send it now. I tried calling this weekend, but just left a voice mail. Thank you so much for the subscription to BuddhaDharma, I'm looking forward to the first issue. Mom was here this weekend, we had a great visit. Not much else to say that you can't read in the journal. Please spell check it when typing it so I don't look like a complete idiot. I've kept it completely honest and sometimes that may be shocking or disturbing at times, but I want it to be real. I've changed names where I thought appropriate. Please include my real name and prison # and address in case family and friends want to write, and sugar-mamma's, just kidding, kinda. (ha ha!) I love you little brother and thanks for doing this and everything else.

-Love
[brother]

10/8/2007

Well I told myself that this journal would be honest and bullshit free. About 30 minutes ago I had what I can only assume is an anxiety or panic attack. I don't have them often. They only seem to come when I strip away the distractions of reading, TV, or the literally 100 other things I use to keep my mind busy. I was looking at all the pictures I have when I started sweating and my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Bad cliche but accurate. Everything was accompanied by a twisting sinking knot in my stomach. Sort of like a cross of pre-vomit jitters and love sick nervousness. I couldn't breath and I wasn't completely dizzy but it felt like the start of dizziness, like being on one of those merry-go-rounds in parks for just a hair too long. It only lated 15 minutes or so but I still feel the stomach jitters. Like I said, they don't happen very often about once a week or so. Now I'm writing this while watching (and not paying attention to) Aniemonday of the Sci-Fi channel, but really just day dreaming, thinking what to write to Kirsty, composing it all in my head but to scared to actually put it on paper. God I'm a coward. Really. Cowards know they are cowards but can't seem to do anything about it. at least that's what i think. Paralyzing fear. God I'm so messed up. Nothing really exciting today. It's a holiday so there was Bingo, I didn't win anything. Went to Buddhist Study/Meditation group and didn't meditate just organized the library. Found a couple of books, that I check out. Not that I have enough (at last count 27!) to read. I'll get to them eventually. Nothing but time. Later.

10/7/2007

Well another day wasted. Theron came up to visit and that's always good. People are restless tonight banging and yelling. I went to rec outside this afternoon. It was freezing. I tried to call my brother but no answer. I also had to take another UA this afternoon. Pissed me off because they claim its random but it is the second one I've done in 2 weeks. It will never be dirty and I have trouble going "on demand." Nothing else to report. Later.

10/6/2007

Good day today. Woke up refreshed and full of energy. Cleaned my whole cell with bleach. Mom came up to visit again this afternoon after visiting Kristy and Kaden. She says Kristy looks very good and has lost weight. Kaden was chatty as usual and told "grandma" all about Kindergarten. She says he lost a bottom tooth over at Bonnie's house, so now his two bottom teeth are missing. I miss him so much it literally hurts. It feels like an icicle stabbing through my solar plexus. Kristy has had a hysterectomy and her older sister is dying of cancer. So much pain and suffering she has endured these 2 years I've been locked up. I wish I wasn't such a complete asshole to her before being arrested. Those 4 months we were separated because first of the allegations and later because she didn't want to be with me anymore, were MORE painful to me than being in prison now. I took that hurt and just turned on her. Treating her like shit refusing to help pay the bills, our bills, absolutely no kind of support what-so-ever. The few times she visited me in county jail were awkward and a hassle because of a squirmy 2 year old /3 year old Kaden. She stopped coming and it crushed me. I haven't seen or heard from them directly since. Kristy has had to file for bankruptcy on top of everything else and mom says that she even had warrants out for her for outstanding bills. I feel so low and horrible that is all because of me. God please help me, I still love her and long to see her but how could I ever ask her to forgive me? The verbal or literal slap in the face would be well deserved, but I think it would be my undoing. Kristy told mom this visit (after mom took picture) that if I wanted pictures of Kaden and to be a part of his life that i needed to go through her (Kristy). I twas the most wonderful, hopeful, fearful, stab of emotion I have ever felt. Maybe, just maybe, I can still be a part of my songs life. I am so afraid. Afraid of what to say to Kirsty and afraid of what she will say back, but mostly afraid that she won't write back or respond in any way; that she only said that to get my mother off her back. God help me! The combo of hope and fear is too much, I can't stop weeping. Got to go.

10/5/2007

What a roller coaster day. Started out normal and I was feeling pretty good all day knowing it was my last day at braille. Then 3pm hit and the shop manager said that since I didn't meet my graphic quota for the week that he is holding me there for another week. I blew up at him and told him... blah blah. You know what is it doesn't matter. Just know that Pat, the shop manager, is a liar. This isn't a inmate vs. "the man" bull shit; us vs. them. He is literally a liar and takes pleasure in making inmates suffer more. There are special places in hell for people who go out of their way to torment the downtrodden. The day ended on a good note with my mom *and* Erin visiting tonight. Erin is about to burst she is so pregnant! Still extremely adorable though. She is such a beautiful person, both on the outside (physically) and even more so on the inside. What great friends I have! Mom looks good and it was great to see her. I found out that she wasn't mat at me and not to mail back the books to her. We had a good time visiting and she'll be back up tomorrow. Nothing on TV tonight so I can finally catch up on my reading.
Goodnight

10/4/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing at work. No personal mail. Shipped out all my legal mail to my Dad. I had systematic theology class tonight. That's always interesting. Paster Steve is very smart. I like taking his course and stretching my brain. Looking forward to seeing mom. Hope she comes up tomorrow night AND this weekend. Well pretty tired, going to bed.

10/3/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing exciting except mason subscribed to BuddhaDharma magazine for me. That's awesome! Theron put $25 in my account like I asked him. That was before I knew mom was going to put in money also. I'll put it to good use though. I think I'll buys a hot-pot so I can have hot water all the time. I'm still waiting for the $10 to be sent in from the brother of "Bob" (inmate). I loaned him $5 in coin like 3 weeks ago and he is now overdue by a week. If it doesn't come by Friday, I'm juicing him for more. Either coin of food. Now I know not to lend to him again. Kinda sad tonight. I've been thinking a lot about my kids and Kristy. I feel if I could just have some kind of correspondence with Kristy and Kaden this place and my life would be bearable.