2/29/2008

As I turn inward, things bubble up. Memories, things remembered. Nothing traumatic ... yet. I'm doing some sort of meditation as a child. I know that now, not then. Sitting in the car staring out the back seat window. My eyes are focused but not following any thing that is going by. I watch it (the window) like a television, just letting things float and glide in and out of the frame. Never lingering on what I saw never "attaching" myself to it, never wondering or anticipating the next thing. Just letting things arise, glide past, and disappear. It plays in my head often. The other memories I have are weirder, premonitions and wishes, that I don't care to discuss right now. First because no one would believe me and second, they're hazier memories than my child window meditation, so until they come into sharper focus and I remember them completely, I'll wait. I've felt so weird this week. Not depressed or anxious or happy, just weird. It feels like I'm on the edge of a gray neutral alert, watchful awareness and anticipation that something is going to happen. I don't have the faintest clue what. Crashing depression, breakthrough joy and peace, death, enlightenment, don't know, maybe nothing, maybe just a really good bowel movement! Ha! Weird week, someone brought me ice cream today. Had extra money and decided to share. It was good. Weird.

I Still Believe...

Even when I search for Him and can't see or find Him.
He is beside me, comforting me, holding me.

Even when straining my ears listening for Him, waiting, hearing nothing.
He speaks to me, guides me, lulls and sings to me.

Even when I'm cursing, raving, crying, questioning and doubting.
He is listening, agreeing, disagreeing, sympathizing, empathizing with patience and love.

Even when I stumble and stray from His narrow path. Sometimes clumsily ignorant, sometimes defiantly running.
He puts me back on His path. Sometimes with a gentle hand, sometimes with a painful shove.

Even w hen I sit in the dark, frightened and in despair.
His light spot lights me, warming me, loving me and lighting my way.

Even when I fail and fall over and over.
His Grace lifts me over and over.

Even when His children are struggling and suffering.
I still believe He laughs with joy more than He cries in sorrow.

2/26/2008 9:00 PM

Holy crap! Some super disrespectful CO's working tonight. Screaming, threatening, calling demeaning names, the whole works. Makes things that much more worse around here for both the inmates and the CO's. Friction and backlash hostility all around tonight. And it could all be avoided with the still the job being done if done with more tact and respect. Bizzaro world!

2/24/2008 10:00 PM

What do you do? Can you do? When you feel the need to express yourself, but you have no way, no talent to do so accurately? No artistic ability, no music ability, no writing ability to express anything. Generic words, bad handwriting, emotional paralysis. There is no way to accurately express my joy of seeing my mother this weekend or having her tell me about my son. Or the weird combination of heart felt happiness, relief, gut twisting grief, hurt, betrayal, and chest-crushing heart-ache longing, remembrance, hearing how my wife soon to be ex-wife is doing fine, moving on, even thriving. Not that I wouldn't think she would, could or should, it's just.... Shit! I don't know. Emotional Paralysis. There isn't anyway to express the excitement and suspended reality of having both my friends visit only to have the mud hold sucking gap of the smelly noisy negative demon ridden prison not only welcome me back but with enthusiasm. Not that I don't appreciate the little I have. Others here have nothing. I have God's Grace and miracles shining down on my family, friends, letters, books, good job, etc. But this ever present darkness, funky stink, weighty pressure of depression is exhausting. In fact I'm not even sure if it IS depression or just the natural environment and "punishing" atmosphere of prison. I don't know what would be more terrifying to me: 1. Getting actual help for my "depression" only to discover that weight never lifts and it is the prison or 2. To have the weight and feeling lifted so I have a "normal" feeling and energy while in this place. I mean really. Think on that it is a n win situation. Either you feel exhausted, spacey, funky, heavy weight always on you OR you feel normal, have energy, laugh and adapt well, soak in to the prison system living without hope but not really caring because damn it your a con now. I see it all the time. Inmates happy-go-lucky, jumping out of bed full of piss and viegar, ready for breakfast, ready to lift and exercise at rec, ready to work, ready to hustle drugs, sex, crafts, whatever. Ready to fight at a drop of a hat. Ready to steal, con, lie or do anything to make their life "better" here. I mean they really don't sedem to mind or care that they're here. I've only been here a year and I've seen people violate parole and come back, and to high fives, back slaps, fist pounding and even hugs from other inmates welcoming them back! I daydream and talk about getting out but it's all a pipe dream really. Everything I've ever known is gone, everything I ever was or thought I wanted to be is gone. I have day dreams of being let out of here (so sorry #48018, the stat made a mistake, here's your life back) returning home to forgiving, loving wife wrapping her arms joyfully around me, my song leaping into my arms with joyful squeakings of daddy, daddy. Of getting my job back, friends, peers, co-workers, slapping me on the back with chimes of "I always knew you were innocent, I never stopped believing in you." Like that Lou Reed song goes "... and I guess that I just don't know." It's some kinda madness though to repeat this process over and over. There are times I think I'm insane and times I wish I were insane so I would even know or care where I am. That scene from "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" comes to mind. The one at the end where Jack Nicholson is finally lobotomized and blissfully unaware of anything. Ahh... heaven. Well I've rambled enough. going to read some fantasy novel series by Richard Goodkind called "The Sword of Truth" series. I'm on the second book. They're good so far, they suspend my reality for a while. As I finish off this entry my thoughts and love go out to all my family and friends who still stand by me and give me comfort.

2/22/2008 11:00 AM

Lunch break. I got about 1/2 hour till I have to go back to work. Things have been scary crazy here. I've been really sick for the last four days; today is the first day of feeling better but not good by far. It started with terrible body aches and headache and progressed into a packed tight stuffed up head and then migrated to the chest. Now its a little of everything but not as acute. The whole cell hall has some form of it or another. One inmate has influenza A, one TB, one a staff infection. They are quarantining them during showers and meals but they still live in the general population so I don't see how that helps. It's a new low for me. To feel this physically bad and be locked up and to get no treatment is torture. If this would have hit me during my darker depressions (which I haven't had in quite a while) it probably would have pushed me over the edge. It's like living in bizzaro land. The administration is doing nothing to prevent the spread or really to contain it. The staff is just as sick and keeps coming to work, walking around coughing and touching every body's cell door. The inmates (most of them) are too uneducated to realize not to cough or sneeze open mouthed into the air, or washes their hands. The inmates are not allowed any bleach to wash their cells, floors, walls, etc. So this place is just a big petri dish. Like I said, surreal. If it was the zombie virus movie, we'd all be walking dead by now! Ha! Yea! Prison! I guess it's on the outside too. But they can get treatment.

2/16/2008

Busy week. Special chapel activities so work has kept me busy, plus the next photo time for inmates is coming up so that will add to the business. Got a couple more books in the mail. One is from a place I wrote to long ago called the Foundation for Inner Peace the other was from my mom. Yea! She must have sent a card and letter too but it was denied because there were Polaroid pictures with it and the prison won't let you have Polaroid pictures. So it's been a frustrating week. I need to find out what my account balance is, because they screwed up $50 my brother sent a little while ago then another $25 came in and my payday is Monday, which is another $49. God! This place sucks enough without having to deal with incompetent staff, not only that but they're arrogant on top of it! They couldn't have possibly made a mistake, and what would I know of it? I'm just an inmate. Lord give me patience. On the positive side, I got a letter from my dharma pen-pal, Heather. It's always good to hear back from her, she is very encouraging to me and lightens my heart. I'm going to write her back and then write my brother. I am going to include her (Heather) letters to me on the blog. They will sound a little one-sided but I think people will get the gist of them and what I wrote to her, plus I hope they will help others who read them.

Hey bro!

[His letter to me...]

I know our letters crossed in the mail, so I'll write again. It's been a frustrating month so far because of all the administration screw ups and mail denials. I'll wait to hear from [1 aunt], [2 aunt] or you about where to send the denied book and please tell mom (and everybody else) that Polaroid pictures aren't allowed. Here is a list of other things I can't have; I am writing the mail room/property office rejection notice verbatim so you might want to pass it along or post it. (God! what a pain in the ass this place is!)

Rejected because:

1. The item contained contraband or encoded material as described above. This includes any information regarding planning or promoting criminal activities.


2. The item violates a Prohibited Act or any other rule, regulation or directive governing the DOC or [state]SP, MDSP, [state]WP as described above.


3. The item contains instructions for the manufacture or use of a weapon, explosive, drugs, drug paraphernalia, or alcoholic beverage as described above.


4. The item advocates violence or may cause violence or other serious disruption of the security or disciplined operation of the institution as described above.


5. The item depicts nudity or encourages sexual behavior which is minimal in nature and/or may be detrimental to your rehabilitation as described above. Included in this category are nude personal photographs, writings, illustrations or pictures depicting child pornography, male homosexuality, bestiality or act of sexual violence.


6. No address of sender


7. The item contained postage stamps, plain or stamped envelopes, stickers, maps, calendars, Polaroid photos, unused postcards, more than four(4) small newspaper clippings, (4) sheets of misc. photo copied materials such as Internet, homemade craft items or pictures of ex-staff members, altered photos of any kind. (the specific item is noted above)


8. Other: __________________

Well that's the notice I get. Well no much else to say. Please post the letters I get form Heather,at Liberation Prison Project. She's awesome and great comfort to me. Thank you so much for the money, I'll call mom and thank her also. Hold off on sending more until I get the paperwork mess straightened out here. I love you bro, and appreciate all the time and money your investing in my bum ass. I'll talk to you soon.

-Love, prayers, dedicated merit to you
[brother]

2/13/2008 time?

Time? Don't know. Been sitting, reflecting. I think it's officially 2/14, but I'm too lazy to walk 2 feet to look at the time on my radio. Painful reflecting and then a tiny voice telling me to write it out. Valentines day, remembering my 2nd wife, soon to be ex-wife. Chest crushing, gut turning regret. Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all, blah, blah, blah. Cliche, overused, but bitterly, painfully true, though I realize it too late. Thinking about her smile, her laugh, her smell. The way her hair used to cascade around my face when she was leaning over to kiss me. Hair so thick and beautiful no light could penetrate the private veiled universe of just her face and mine, sharing the same breath, her scent dulling all my senses. Hair so thick that when I would run my fingers through it my short sausage fingers wouldn't/couldn't poke out the other side! :-) Remembering how she stood by my side through all my faults, all my crap, always forgiving, always. I think she must have given me 1001 chances to make things better/right. If ow only there would be, could be 1002. She'll say that I just want what I can't have, that i never really loved her, that it is prison loneliness speaking. While the prison loneliness makes my hindsight mistakes and longing more painfully acute, know this: I will always lover her and will always regard her as my true love, the only persona I actually fell in love with. What she was to me, I hope and pray she will be to others in the future. I wish for only her happiness and to have that amazing love returned to her. She deserves it.

2/12/2008

Well there is no point in fighting for the book that was denied. I've asked arond including inmates and staff and they will deny any book with any kind of "nudity" ... nipple showing, no go, medical journal, nope, fantasy/sci-fi books, no way and of course no my art book. Bummer. I'll send it back to someone, I just don't know who yet. I got 60 days to decide. On the bright side today, I got a late b-day card and my first issue of Tricycle magazine, yeah! Well thats about it. Slow day today and tomorrow. I'm taking the opportunity to listen to some dharma/meditation talks we (the chapel) recently got. Like the Buddha said "the dharma is lovely." Its weird I can't imagine my life without the Buddha's or Jesus' teachings. Without the centering and relaxing meditation I would be lost. Without my faith in God and prayers to Jesus I would be equally lost. I wonder if there are others out there who put stock in both. Christians with appreciation for Buddhist meditation and teachings or Buddhists who think/know the Jesus was the son of God and rose again. I really don't see why you "have" to chose one. Just a thought. Later.

2/11/2008

11:00 AM
Pastor came through with 2 Guitar for beginners books. Now there really is no excuse not to learn except my own laziness. Just got done writing my dad back. I haven't written anyone else yet. I'm waiting for a book from my two aunts before I write them, so I can tell them it arrived O.K. and say thank you. NOt much else going on. I went to the doctor for an eye infection but it's gone now. Tie to go back to work. Later.

4:00 PM
Disappointment and anger. The book my aunts tried to send me was rejected because "The item depicts nudity or encourages sexual behavior which is criminal in nature and/or may be detrimental your rehabilitation as described above. Included in this category are nude personal photographs, writings, illustrations or pictures depicting child pornography, male homosexuality, bestiality or acts of sexual violence. " Ridiculous considering I found the book in a spiritual catalog. I'm not giving up yet. I have 60 days to appeal and convince them to give me the book. Let the triple copy paper work begin!

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 2-10-2008

First let me begin by apologizing for not returning your letter much sooner. I have not been well for a few weeks and haven't been up to doing much. So I hope you have been managing ok and have been able to practice some patience for my response.
It makes me happy to see how much you involve yourself in different positions within the prison. I think this can only benefit you and those you come hi contact with. What drew you to the position of orderly in the chapel?
I had some more thoughts I would like to share with you on depression and your practice. When you meditate are you aware of your own awareness? Let me explain what I mean by this. For instance, suppose you are thinking about getting ready for your duties as the orderly for the chapel. Can you be aware of those thoughts but not "be" those thoughts. In other words you notice them. You observe how your mind creates thoughts and stories. But all the while there is an awareness of this. If you can practice developing this sense of awareness, then I think you may be able to bring it to your depression with some success.
So this is what I would suggest practicing if you are able. When you are depressed be depressed. Don't try and get rid of it. Don't ignore it, or engage in angry thoughts. Don't get swept away with hopeless or helplessness. But allow each and every one of those things to be present. This is the practice of non-attachment. It means not clinging and it means not pushing away or trying to get rid of. This is necessary because to do anything else is just to suffer. To be attached is to suffer. So it might seem like if you are allowing waves of depression, and hopelessness to be present that you will suffer more. But if you bring your "awareness' to these feelings then this won't be true. Instead you might experience a sense of freedom- by focusing on your awareness. If you identify with that which is aware of your experience of these feelings and emotions then it is impossible to BE these feelings and emotions because you are being the awareness. The awareness isn't hopeless. The awareness isn't depressed. The awareness isn't sad. It is simply aware. Like a clear sky. Your depression and all the thoughts and feelings that come with it are just like dark clouds passing by. So practice being the sky sky behind the clouds. Let me know how this works for you!!
Thank you too for sending me a picture of yourself and for the wonderful Christmas card. It brightened my spirits.

Heather

With Loving Kindness,
Please write again soon, and I will not be so long in returning our correspondence this time!

2/7/2008

It's been a while since I've written anything, but I thought I better touch base. There has been plenty of things happening, but I just haven't felt like writing, you know? January came and went in a flash. Got some books in the mail, How to Draw books, Dharma book and a Anime/Manga BIble. Superbowl was alright, my team didn't make it so I really didn't care who won, it sure was noisy in here though. I sent off drawing to both Erin and my Grandma. Erin visited and sent me a B-day card and I got a letter from Grandma saying she liked the picture. Erin like hers also. Got some B0day cards and visits on my B-dauy weekend, it's just really not a big deal in here as it is on the outside. One of my co-workers got fired from the Chapel for taking stuff that didn't belong to him, no big loss he only worked 3 hours a day and even then he didn't DO anything. I have a guitar in my room now and pastor Steve is looking for some starter books for me. I really don't have time to learn right now, as crazy as that sounds, I'm busy reading and doing theology class, learning to draw and meditation. Went to the nurse this morning for some rash on the top of my foot and an eye infection. Haven't heard anything back from them yet. That's about it on this end. I need to write Dad, Mom, Grandma, Cynthia, Bonnie. Whew! Later.

WISH LIST 1/20/2008

Remember, paperback only! I'll cross off items as he's received them and notified me.

Title	Author
Beasts! How to Draw Fantastic Predators	Steve Miller
Buddha: A Tale of Enlightenment #1	Deepak Chopra
Cartoonist's Big Book of Drawing Animals	Christopher Hart
Choke	Chuck Palahnuik
Dark Tower: The Long Road Home #1 (Graphic Novel)	Robin Furth
The Diamond Sutra	Mu Soeng
Diary	Chuck Palahnuik
Essence of the Heart Sutra	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Fight Club	Chuck Palahnuik
The Good Heart	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Healing Breath: Zen for Christians and Buddhists	Ruben L.F. Habito
Into the Silent Land	Martin Laird
Invisible Monsters	Chuck Palahnuik
Living Zen, Living God	Ruben L.F. Habito
Logan #1 (Graphic Novel)	Brian Vaughan
The Meaning of Life	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Mindfulness Yoga	Frank Jude Boccio
Moon in a Dewdrop: Writings of Zen Master Dogen	Eihei Dogen
Our Dumb World	Onion Staff
Prayer of Heart and Body	Thomas Ryan
Repo (Graphic Novel)	Rick Spears
Robot Vol. 5 (Graphic Novel)	various
Sacred Mirrors: Alex Grey	Alex Grey
Subscription: Popular Science	-
Survivor	Chuck Palahnuik
The Blooming of a Lotus	Thich Nhat Hanh
The Pillars of the Earth	Ken Follet
Thesaurus	-
Transfigurations: Alex Grey	Alex Grey
Vengence of Vampirella (Graphic Novel)	Phil Hester
Young Liars #1 (Graphic Novel)	David Lapham
Zen and the Kingdom of Heaven	Tom Chetwynd
The Zen Path Through Depression	Judith Costello