Sunday, December 30, 2007

12/30/2007

Mostly lazy today. Took a lot of pictures in the visit room. Wrote to a few places about books, discount mags, correspondence courses, etc. Think I'll do some reading and go to bed.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

12/29/2007

I don't know what to do. I've read and re-read my divorce papers, and the only part that bothers me is the denied any and all visitation rights. I didn't fight for visitation with my last divorce and look how well that turned out for me. Not that I think a judge would even come close to ruling in my favor, but I kinda would like to have it on the record that I do care for my son and would like to be able to see him. I've prayed and prayed for guidance, but He has been silent.

11:00pm
Just as the day is ending and I'm doing some reading, not even paying attention to what I'm reading when God again grabs my attention through the dhrama.
"If I need to comply with a doctor's advice when frightened by a common illness, Then how much more so when perpetually diseased by the manifold evils of desire... And if all people dwelling on this earth can be overcome by just one of these, And if no other medicine to cure them is to be found elsewhere in the universe, Then the intention not to act in accordance with the advice of the all-knowing Physicians who can uproot every misery, is extremely bewildered and worthy of scorn."
-Shantideva, Stephen Batchelor
(trans. from A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life)

So you see it is again my "desire", my attachment to the past to my wife and children that is my "illness"; my disease. Many "all-knowing Physicians" have existed throughout time to give the medicine, the remedy for this illness. Through them, God alone can "uproot" every misery! Not to remember this, I also am "worth of scorn."
So I will retire to bed with this prayer on my mind and lips:

"Seeing that this chronic disease of cherishing myself is the cause that gives rise to unwanted suffering, I seek your blessings to destroy this great demon of selfishness by resenting it as the object of blame."

AMEN

Thursday, December 27, 2007

12/27/2007

My brother's last visit was last night. It was the best Christmas present I could possibly hope for. To have him and the rest of my family here for the holidays was pure joy. Today was back to normal, for better or worse. No theology class tonight, because the pastor is on vacation, so I went to Buddhist meditation group with the intentions of having some quiet time but it was filled with one hyperactive inmate organizing the library and another inmate complaining about shit. I just gave up ad decided to help organize the library when I was called down to the visit room to take more pictures. Damn! I'll be glad when this picture business is over! The library did get organized finally though. I finished reading "Peace Like A River" by Leif Enger. It is probably the best fiction book I've ever read (that I can remember). I laughed, cried, reminisced, cried again, laughed again, etc. Excellent book! Everyone should buy his book so he becomes wealthy and is encouraged to write more just like it, thus adding to the goodness of humanity and glorifying God! Amen! I really should start reading another book because I have so many but I don't want to ruin the feeling of "Peace Like a River". It's like drinking a super fine perfect wine and the rinsing your mouth out with Lysol. I think I'll just go to bed and hope that the goodness and warmth from his book along with the joy of my family this last week, gives rise to beautiful peaceful dreams.

(12/27) Hey bro

Great to see you this week. Your laugh and visits alone will sustain me for a very long time. I'm sending you a quick note with the latest journal writing as well as some pictures. I have marked an X on the back of the ones I would like a copy made of and the rest (and originals) should stay with you or be sent back to mom. I'll send you the pictures we took when they come back. Tell [your girlfriend] hello, and thank her for the thoughtful idea of a gift of a penguin. The more I think of it, the more I laugh and like the idea. It's the closest thing I'll have to a pet in here! :-) She sounds so great and like a beautiful person, I'm very happy your paths have crossed. Well pretty tired, I'll write or talk to you soon.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

12/25/2007

Merry Christmas! The last few days have been a blur. My whole family has been up to visit, including my father. It was so good to see him and we had a great day of visiting and laughing. I wish he could have stayed longer but some time is better than no time. I've gotten to see mom four times in the last week which has been incredible and my brother has been up every day since the 19th and will be back tomorrow. I have such a tremendous network of beautiful people who love and support me including my immediate family, my aunts and of course my grandmother. It's overwhelming to know I am so loved and blessed, while others in here have no one. That being said I will be glad when the holidays are over. Seems like everyone here is more vulgar, violent, loud and obnoxious. The Christmas meal was good tonight and included pork loin. I ate so much I feel sick. Through talking with my brother I found out that at least my wife (soon to be ex-wife) is reading the letters and cards I'm sending her. If I had one Christmas wish it would be to patch things up with her. Everything else good in my life would be enhanced by that. I would get to be a part of my son's life and I could endure anything else after that, including spending the rest of my life in here.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

12/22/2007

Crazy week! So busy and tired I didn't even write, plus there isn't really anything to write about. I got some more Dharma books in the mail, a letter from mom and a Christmas card from Erin. She sent a picture of her girls finally so the inmate down the tier can start on the drawing I paid for. My brother and mom are in town for the holidays, so I have gotten to visit them the last 3 days. It's been amazing! My father is even going to visit on Christmas eve! The whole family will be here, and I get free pics, yeah! The bummer part of the last few days is that I got served divorce papers. I knew she wanted a divorce, but I guess I always had a hope that she would change her mind, or maybe it is just one of those inmate fantasies that play in your head. You know the ones, appeals working, governor's pardons, wife standing by your side. The worst part is that I won't be able to see my son. That hope is gone now also. I have to somehow work through this.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

12/16/2007

Still tired from working the Pow wow yesterday. Food was good and it would have been better if I had a visitor to sit with me the whole day. But as I didn't, so it really wasn't much fun and it was loud, I wouldn't go again if I didn't have to. Got a letter yesterday from mom. She sent a bunch of old pictures of my brother and me. I was the ugliest child I've ever seen. Seriously. My brother was cute as a button though. I only vaguely remember a couple of the photos and the others not at all. As I sat there looking at them, I seem happy in all of them and I began wondering. Wondering how a scrawny kid with an Annie soundtrack record album go from happy to life in prison? I had a good upbringing, loving parents, grandparents, was loved and cared for, got most of the "toys" I asked for, was active with playing outside with friends, etc. No traumatic events, no abuse, no witnessing of a horrible act, nothing. How the hell did I get here? I don't fit the mold of ANY of the convicts here. Is this it? The last chapter of my life? No redemption? No love? No warmth or touch? Christ! I'm on my pity pot tonight. I was crabby at my visits today too. Both Theron and Erin came up and every time I spoke I was snappy, judgmental, cynical and crabby. I hope they will forgive me. They are just some of the few god things left in my life and I don't want to chase them away. I did take some pictures with them so I can send pics to them and keep a copy for myself. Mom said in her letter that my dad is coming down to visit also. I wonder why I heard it through her? Why hasn't he written and told me himself? She also said she got to meet with my wife and son. It is always away from her house. I wonder what the big secret is? Nothing would hurt or surprise me anymore, but if she is being distant and cold to hurt me or my family, well that's just wrong. If the sins of the father don't transfer to the son, then the son's sin definitely shouldn't be visited on the father, mother, brother or anyone else. It's even more fucked up because there was no sin! I have to learn to let it go, let go and let God. It feels as though 95% of my total suffering stems from the loss of my wife and kid. Do all inmates suffer as I do? I as acutely? If so what tremendous house of despair this is and no wonder the heavy air in here. I wish the end would come. Any end as long as it is the end.

Friday, December 14, 2007

12/14/2007

Busy day getting ready for the pow wow tomorrow. If I didn't have to go, I wouldn't. Too long of a day of business, work and noise. 10am-8pm! Not only will I be the only white man there, but I will be the only one without a visitor. Oh well, at least I get paid extra for it. I mailed a few Christmas cards today. I wrote a letter for some of the others but I'm waiting to mail them till I get my photos back. Well, I think I'll read till I fall asleep.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

12/13/2007

Haven't written in a couple of days. Been sick with a chest cold. I'm exhausted because I can't sleep at night because of the coughing. Today's my Father and Brother's birthday. I didn't send them a card because I'm waiting to get my pictures back and my bro will be here next week anyway. I got my Christmas cards ready to go, just waiting for the pics. Got 3 more books in the mail. Not much else going on.

Monday, December 10, 2007

12/10/2007

Got a letter from my aunt Cynthia. Enrolled in a 12 year Siddha Yoga program. Received 5 new Buddhist books in the mail and got a letter from my Dharma pen pal, Heather. Busy, busy. Ordered some "how to draw" discount books and a hot pot. Traded my analog radio for a digital one, straight up, good deal. Waxed my floor, 2 coats. Shiny now and hopefully keeps the dust bunnies away. I cut perfume and cologne samples out of a mag so my room can smell good. Keep busy, keep the suffering at bay. Later.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

12/8/2007

Coughing and hacking. I was up all last night. Slept on and off most of today to make up for loss of sleep. It's snowing pretty good right now. The prison sodium lights are usually really annoying but tonight I kinda like them because it lights up the snow fall so I can see it. I rather be a snowflake. Unique, beautiful, purposeful and short lived. Sounds like the perfect existence right now.

Friday, December 7, 2007

12/7/2007

I don't feel insightful or deep today. I feel just shallow and blah. I have a head cold and athlete's foot and a stomach ache from too much coffee. Blah. I found out last night that the only thing worse than being in prison is being in prison with a migraine. It was so bad I skipped my theology class and slept (or tried to) from 4pm to morning. I got up once with dry heaves. Terrible. I'm watching Bewitched, the movie and I'm thinking the migraine was better. I got fined $2 for my write-up today. This place is crazy. The triple copy of carbon paper the use for the write-up costs more than $2! Crazy place! Well, I better wrap this up, I need to write my brother and tell him he was approved for the special visits.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

12/6/2007

Up and down day. My brother's special visits were approved but I got shook down and got a write-up. Don't know what the penalty is yet. Bummer. Oh, the write up was for having a pair of sweat shorts that "wasn't on my property list."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

12/5/2007

Terrible head cold that seems to be spreading to my chest. It's making me crabby and it doesn't help that the fish next door can't light a cig. off the outlet without blowing the fuse so now I missed my shows tonight. I have to get him off this tier. There are 101 things I don't like about him and tonight he added to t hat. I'll think of something.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

12/4/2007

Pendulum of emotions today. HUGE swings from joy or happiness to crumbling depression, back to peaceful acceptance to tearful reminiscing.

Monday, December 3, 2007

12/3/2007

Burning the karma candle at both ends.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

12/2/2007

Theron visited and I got to talk to my brother on the phone, so overall a good day. I ordered some tuna and mayo and bread from commissary. It's the first tuna sandwich since being arrested. Yum!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

12/1/2007

Did some business today. Sold some Christmas cards for tokens, then I turned around and spent the tokens on getting a haircut and shave from the barber when I wasn't on a list yet. Not sure if that's against the "rules" or not but who cares. What are they going to do, put me in prison? Ha! Shaved my head again. It's easier than worrying about shampoo, conditioner, combs, etc. Finished a book today about reincarnation and Christianity. Honestly, it was pretty weak. Not a lot of support or fact in the book and the book is only 108 pages long. Oh well. O n the complete opposite side of the "reading" scale, I was given a copy of "Gorgeous Glutes". That didn't really trip my trigger either. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a beautiful woman in a string bikini or thong, but honestly after 2 years of no women, I don't have ANY libido. Gonna turn in. Goodnight.