Hey bro!

[His letter to me...]

How's it going? Sorry I couldn't talk to you or Mom longer on the phone the other night, but well... you know. I didn't get in trouble, just chased me into my cell. Thank you so much for the money and pictures! The money is being put to good use and the pictures are wonderful! I'm taking that one of Grandma and having it drawn with the words "God's Grace" somewhere near it. I'll send it to her this week. The guy who is doing it is very talented. I'm hoping to have him do one of you and [your girlfriend] but the picture I have of you two has some weird lighting, but man what chemistry in that photo! We'll see.

I'm thinking of having one done of Dad and [his girlfriend] you took but it depends if he is going to stay in contact or not. I did get a 3 line letter saying it was good to see me and he'll write more soon. He did include that picture of him and [his girlfriend] holding her 3 pugs. Hilarious! I'm glad you had a good time with Emily's parents. I knew they would love you, but then again I'm biased. I can't express how glad I am you found true love! It's almost overwhelming the joy and excitement I feel for you two, spooky, acute happiness knowing that you are happy! I want you to know I really appreciate everything you are doing for me with the website and money, etc. I had a tremendous sense of relief when I read that your not so worried now that you know what life is like here. I'm excited about this universal account thing. It should not be more than $100 a month (which seems to me like a lot of money) because of my $50/month I get from my job. Please send the account # and instructions (whatever) to [list of friends & family] and anyone else you can think of. My only apprehension is I really really really don't want people to feel obligated, guilt-tripped, pressured or pan0handled in anyway. The thing is that the $50 I get a month keeps me in stock of everything I NEED. Stamps, hygiene stuff, envelopes, etc. The rest of it has been going to books, magazine subscriptions, scented oils (so I donut' have to smell ass all day) artwork, food (oatmeal, coffee, sugar, etc). So no pressure, OK? Oh and if there is money in the account cut the bank check on the 7th of each month. I've ordered everything I need for this month. So please make sure no one sends me anymore money this month. Let's wait till next month or the month after. Tell [your girlfriend] I've been trying to do some basic yoga in my cell but I find it hard to do for 3 reasons:

1. I'm fat and clumsy, seriously!
2. Not a lot of room to transition from one pose to the next without moving or stopping and turning to a different part of the cell and
3. Staying motivated. I barely have the energy for sitting meditation let alone physical meditation.

Let me know if she has suggestions. I would really value her input. Well, I better go. I need to write Grandma a letter to go along with her picture. Talk to you soon.
-Love you

1/20/2008

Not much going on. Same thing day in day out. I finished reading another of Bo Lozoff's books called "Deep and Simple". It was well written and hit the mental spot as usual., I highly recommend it. He makes a good point in it though. One I've been feeling for some time and that is "Reading self-help, scriptures, spiritual books does you no good if you don't put it to use in your life." Will a sick man be benefited merely by reading the medical text? "I feel like I know what to do, what to pray, what path to walk, I'm tired of reading about it, I need to DO it! Live it, breathe it, walk it. But I'm sooo tired, exhausted, I just want to sleep. I put the money that was sent to me to good use. I stocked up on stamps, envelopes, coffee, sugar, oatmeal, peanut butter, bread and shampoo. Yeah! Exciting huh?! I also payed a local artist to draw a picture of my grandmother which I'll send to her sometime this week. I hope she will like it. I miss her very much and want to show her I'm thinking about her. I'm thinking about having pictures done of other people I care about but will have to wait till next paycheck. Well better go. I got some letters to write.

1/15/2008

It never rains, it pours. Two receipts today for money being put into my account. My brother wrote and sent some great pics of him and his girlfriend and of my youngest son. Lovely, Lovely pictures! I don't know what has been going on lately. The mood of this place has been HEAVY. Lots of fights, more than usual anyway, tense everywhere. But strangely not me. I notice it but i has no effect on me what soever. In fact I feel so GOOD, that I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'm manic depressive. I can't stop smiling or laughing at funny stuff but the stupid stuff I see all day long as well. EVERY scripture from the Bible, every daily devotional, every piece of Dharma I read seems to pop out at me and ring true to the center of my being. I either laugh with joyous understanding or cry with heart broken acceptance and faith, but ALL rings true. I even gave up on my fast (which only last a day) because

"When Hungry Eat, When Tired Sleep, Be Mindful.
When I am lost in or mindful of my happiness (God's Grace) all is good. Then the trickling of thought"

maybe I'm crazy, maybe manic, I should be ashamed for feeling this good while my family and others suffer. Then I doubt, then I write, then I'll start again. Oh God! Give me strength, wisdom and energy to break this cursed wheel of samsara!

1/14/2008

Haven't written in a while. Nothing real important or exciting has happened. I've been working through the same spiritual struggles.

A Story of Compassionate Cruelty

Be kind when what seems unkind comes from a wise person.

Once, a holy man, riding his donkey, saw a poisonous snake crawling into a sleeping man's mouth! He hurried, but he couldn't prevent it. He hit the man several blows with his club.

The man woke terrified and ran beneath an apple tree with many rotten apples on the ground.

"Eat! You miserable wretch! Eat!"

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Eat more you fool!"

"I've never seen you before! Who are you? Do you have some inner quarrel with my soul?"

The wise man kept forcing him to eat, and then he ran him for hours, he whipped the poor man and made him run. Finally at nightfall, full of rotten apples, fatigued, bleeding, he fell and vomited everything, the good and the bad, the apples and the snake.

When he saw that ugly snake come out of himself, he fell on his knees before his assailant.

"Are you Gabriel? Are you God? I bless the moment you first noticed me. I was dead and didn't know it. You've given me a new life. Everything I've said to you was stupid! I didn't know."

- Rumi

There's more to the story but I think you get the point. I start my fast tomorrow. I don't know for how long but at least 3 days. Water/Tea only. Little to no T.V., no radio. Little to no talking. Just reflection, meditation and prayer.

1/7/2008

My wife (soon to be ex-wife's) b-day today. Has me thinking about her. Nothing much else going on. Got another write-up but it was dropped when I explained myself. Sometimes, just sometimes, the truth does work. Received a Christmas letter from my Aunt which included the addresses of my cousins. I'll add them to my address book but doubt I will write them. I haven't talked to them in years and I wouldn't know what to say anyway. Erin & Theron came up this weekend. Theron broke some personal good news and Erin broke news that is good for her and her family but bad for me. I really don't feel like going into detail with either news.

1/3/2008

Tired but can't sleep. Too many sports games on = too much noise plus I'm restless anyway. Theology class seems to do that to me. It's mostly an intellectual course but it reminds me that there is a personal God looking over everything. I get caught up in the self improvement side of my spiritual path, with the yoga, meditation, etc... that when reminded that I can improve myself but only to the point where it is the will of God. I really truly believe that and there isn't a yoga course or Buddhist doctrine that can tell me differently. But it always turns me inward. If this personal, all-knowing, all-loving God is taking care of me, bring me back to Him and saving my life (eternal life, not literal life) then I GET IT ALREADY! Point made, my bad, back on the path, ready to do your work! But please God, Please oh please not in here!

My "issue" lately has been, honestly, one of envy. Envy that the Lord shapes the lives of His followers so differently. I have a female friend who is the most faithful, God loving persona I know. Her life is filled with such perfect beauty it makes me weep, literally. Physical beauty, devoted handsome husband, beautiful children, all are strong in faith, all are smart. God is showering her with blessing of beauty, forging His follower with fragrant, silk flower petals. Everything she and her family is, is a bright ray of warmth and love not only in glorifying God, but to me and I'm sure the rest of their friends and family. And I love them for it, always will. But there's envy. I'm a piece of dull iron, being forged by loss, noise, discomfort, pain and suffering. Each announcement n the loud speaker, each h ate filled shout of an inmate, each rash or crick of the body, each stomach turning pang of remembrance, of loss is like the "CLANG" of the hammer on this piece of iron. Heated bent, "Clang" molded, CLANG, heated again. Forged again and again. It wouldn't hurt so much if I just knew what this piece of iron is supposed to be. Some glimpse, some hint what my purpose is, what's at the end. I guess that is where faith comes in. But damn it, I'm tired, exhausted. I talk to lifers and long timers who have been in here 10, 15, 20 years and they have no hope left at all, no faith whatsoever. I can't do that. Literally know I can't. Faith is the only thing keeping me alive.

1/2/2008

Got more books in the mail today. These I paid for though. I got 2 How To Draw books and The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I had the last one on the outside and remember it being good. Each book was $4.95 through Edward R. Hamilton discount books and S/H was $3.50 for all of it. So not to bad. There! That's my commercial plug for the month! I'm such a consumer whore! I also received my first 2 lessons from SYDA Foundation. The first step to a 12 year program! Yikes! Finished up my daily readings of the devotionals and Bible, also finished the Theology lesson for tomorrows class. I think I'll start the first Yoga lesson now. Later.

1/1/2007 (Happy New Year!)

It was loud, angry and depressing. I did a compassion visual meditation through it all. It died down and then I went to bed. New Year Resolutions include:

1. Reading "From Faith to Faith" daily devotional
   
2. Reading "God's Daily Promises" daily devotional
3. Reading "One Year Bible"
4. Pray for anyone or anything other than my own self or desire
5. At least 15 minutes of meditation every day
6. Fast at least 1 day/month in mindfulness that people are worse off than me.