12/16/2007

Still tired from working the Pow wow yesterday. Food was good and it would have been better if I had a visitor to sit with me the whole day. But as I didn't, so it really wasn't much fun and it was loud, I wouldn't go again if I didn't have to. Got a letter yesterday from mom. She sent a bunch of old pictures of my brother and me. I was the ugliest child I've ever seen. Seriously. My brother was cute as a button though. I only vaguely remember a couple of the photos and the others not at all. As I sat there looking at them, I seem happy in all of them and I began wondering. Wondering how a scrawny kid with an Annie soundtrack record album go from happy to life in prison? I had a good upbringing, loving parents, grandparents, was loved and cared for, got most of the "toys" I asked for, was active with playing outside with friends, etc. No traumatic events, no abuse, no witnessing of a horrible act, nothing. How the hell did I get here? I don't fit the mold of ANY of the convicts here. Is this it? The last chapter of my life? No redemption? No love? No warmth or touch? Christ! I'm on my pity pot tonight. I was crabby at my visits today too. Both Theron and Erin came up and every time I spoke I was snappy, judgmental, cynical and crabby. I hope they will forgive me. They are just some of the few god things left in my life and I don't want to chase them away. I did take some pictures with them so I can send pics to them and keep a copy for myself. Mom said in her letter that my dad is coming down to visit also. I wonder why I heard it through her? Why hasn't he written and told me himself? She also said she got to meet with my wife and son. It is always away from her house. I wonder what the big secret is? Nothing would hurt or surprise me anymore, but if she is being distant and cold to hurt me or my family, well that's just wrong. If the sins of the father don't transfer to the son, then the son's sin definitely shouldn't be visited on the father, mother, brother or anyone else. It's even more fucked up because there was no sin! I have to learn to let it go, let go and let God. It feels as though 95% of my total suffering stems from the loss of my wife and kid. Do all inmates suffer as I do? I as acutely? If so what tremendous house of despair this is and no wonder the heavy air in here. I wish the end would come. Any end as long as it is the end.