10/31/2007 10:00pm

I was to have the day off today, with pay, but I went to work anyway. Quieter up in the chapel, did some organizing. Kept zoning out thinking about my kids, wondering what they are doing for Halloween, remembering the ones I got to spend with them. So few, but precious. I watched Pushing Daisies and Life tonight on TV. Both ended up making me weep. I don't even know why. It seems all my misery and suffering comes from me remembering the past and holding onto it. What a blessing it would be to wake up with amnesia. Not to remember who I am or anything. My suffering and pain is every cliche I can think of. It is tangible. It has weight, it crushes, it invades, penetrates every thought, every pore, it surrounds me like an aura. It smells, stinks like ammonia, sweat, shit, desperation. Every breath in is choking agony. Every breath out, strained pushing, fearful dread that I have to inhale again, and again. Sleep is the only escape. If only it could last. I'm going to try to get some relief.

10/30/2007 10:00pm

Nothing spectacular today. Noisy at work because they're doing construction. I got a letter returned because I got the address wrong. Not a big deal right? Wrong it takes me 2 hours of work to buy a stamp and envelope. Man that's messed up. On the outside if you make $10/hr that means it would cost you $20 to mail a letter or $30 to buy a soda. Or better yet, how about a $160 bag of freeze dried coffee. LOL... I got 7 books today. 7! 6 Dharma books from a monastery and 1 from Copeland ministries. Crazy. I'm keeping them in my office in the chapel because otherwise I have to donate th em. I can only have 10 books in my property, so I'll keep them up there and read them then donate them. Later.

10/29/2007 9:00pm

Some of the fog has lifted. I am in a little better spirits today. Absolutely nothing has changed or happened, which leads me further to think that my problem might be chemical. I don't feel good or better, just numb, not as dark or tired. I got a couple of letters today. One from mom and another from a woman named Heather from the Liberation Prison Project. She is a Buddhist teacher and says I can write her with questions. Pretty cool. Nothing else to report.

10/28/2007 11:30pm

Couldn't write for a couple of days. Boring, dark days. No energy, hope. I'm so tired. Theron visited today. Even that was strained. We ran out of things to talk about early on. Nothing really to report. Violent around here lately, lot of fights. Erin had her baby, Sophia is her name. I wrote her a card. Even that was painful, torture. Every bright word, happy wish, sincere but painful to me. God I'm TIRED. Too tired even to sleep, I just lay there thinking, I'll watch TV and hopefully sleep will come.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 10-28-07

I just wanted to let you know that the liberation prison project has started a subscription to Mandala for you. I hope you enjoy it.

Kind Regards
Heather

10/24/2007

Another day in the book. I found a gem today. Someone donated some books to the chapel and since I work there I get first dibs. Well one of the books was "Just Another Spiritual Book" by Bo Lozoff. I read his other book "We're All Doing Time" and really liked it. I hope this one is just as good. J.G. starts with me in the chapel tomorrow. Watching Hellraiser 2 right now, nothing else to write about.

10/23/2007

What a hectic day. There was an all-staff meeting today and I had to scramble to do a whole days work in just the morning. Then to find out that I didn't setup anything right for tonights services. I got called up to the chapel and had to setup everything by myself. I don't even know what to do! Well I sweated and stumbled through it. Wrote dad a letter, finished Dharma In Hell and tried to call my brother. That's about it for the day.

10/22/2007

8:30pm -- They hired a second person for the chapel today. I used to work it him in braille and is the closest thing I have to a friend in here. See... proof that God answers prayers. Not only do I [not] have to worry about the stress of doing everything by myself, but I also get to work along with someone I can tolerate. I also got a book in the mail today. "Dharma In Hell The Prison Writings of Fleet Maull" by Fleet Maull. So overall a pretty good day, right? NO I know I suffer from depression. That it is not just a "bad day" environmental thing, because I feel so low, hopeless, like crying. It is a chemical thing also. I've been to the mental counselor three times and he tells me that it is normal, whatever. I don't know what to do.

11:30pm -- I've just read the first 85 pages of 125 of Paul Fleet's Dharma In Hell. Since being locked up I have never read a more accurate, dead-on, truthful account of prison and the inmate. Every word, sentence, paragraph describing jail, prison, guards, inmates, ?[proceet], ?[ures,] economy, hostility, depression, all of it is exactly the way it is here... the way that I have felt and continue to feel. Anybody wanting to know what prison is like and what I feel, should get this book immediately. It's so accurate it is spooky.

10/21/2007

Theron came to visit today. Had a good time as usual. Commissary day, so I'm stocked up on coffee, soups, stamps, envelopes. Other than that nothing else really to report. Oh wait! I got shook down again! Second time in a week! There is something going on around here. Oh well, I got nothing to hide, if they want to waste their time, let them.

10/20/2007

Erin came to visit this morning. She's so miserable because her due date is tomorrow and nothing is happening. It's always good to see her. I got a letter from mom about the study we're doing together. I'll type her up a reply tomorrow morning and mail it out. Other than that a pretty boring day. Slept, read, ate, repeat.

10/18/2007

It's days like this that are dark, grim reminders of where I'm at. The day was normal enough, until the afternoon when I was asked if I have seen "D", the other new chapel orderly. He started about 3 weeks before I did. Native dude. Well it turns out that he got padlocked (for you non-inmates that means someone put a padlock in a sock and meat him with it) and stomped (kicked while down). I didn't see it or see them take him out on a stretcher. I guess it was bad enough that they covered him completely upon the way out. Well the rumor is (and who really knows) that he is a snitch. He seemed like a nice enough guy to me but I just met him Monday. Either way I don't care, I absolutely hate violence and hope he is alright. I wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemies. Well I finished up the work day and was on my way to supper when I walked by the holding detention cell and saw the dude who is training me sitting in there handcuffed! Well I spoke to him real quick through the bars and I guess that "IP", which I can only assume means internal police, detained him and his cell-mate for questioning. How long he will be gone I don't know, but I know IP grabbed a ton of people for questioning. Anyway now I am all alone in the chapel doing a job that I know only 1/3 of, on the busiest day for chapel activities because not only do you prepare stuff for Friday, but for Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning also! SHIT! On top of all that, some inmates who I actually like shipped off to another prison (minimum security) and one that I can only classify as an enemy came back from max security to here. I had a run in with him in June. I'll just stay out of his way. Like I said, dark day. I hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day for everyone.

10/17/2007

Got a card from my Aunt Cindy today, with some pictures. It is always good to hear form her. I have close to a billion relatives on my mother's side and I only hear from a few. Oh well. Tried to call my brother again tonight but just got voice mail. Other than that, a pretty standard day. I need to read some theology for tomorrow's study. Later.

10/16/2007

Well another day gone. Nothing too exciting today. A dude paid me back $5 today. It was supposed to be double ($10) because that is what he promised me a month ago. I told him to just give me the $5 and we'll call it good. Then after he had the nerve to ask to borrow another $1 AND for me to hold his cigs for him in case he gets "shook down". What an ass! Like I'm ever helping him out for anything again. OK done venting now. Work was alright, I went back up to the chapel from 6:00-8:00pm and typed up some stuff. I kind of got a compliment form the CO. We were talking about building your own computers and video editing, you know joking around and stuff. Well afterwards she said that I really don't fit in around here and seem too smart to be here. I said thanks and she assumed I was doing 5 years for something stupid like DUI. I told her what my sentence was and it nearly bowled her over. She said she has never met a person doing as much time as me with such brains and positive attitude. I threw out the old but true cliche at her that not everyone in here is guilty and innocent people do get sent to prison. Her answer was "apparently". Anyway it felt good at the time. Now it just bums me out because if it is so obvious to the jaded COs that I'm not a criminal why wasn't it obvious to the cops, judge, jury, family and friends. Well tomorrow is another day, nothing to do but wait and see what it brings.

10/15/2007

Decided to write now since I still have the coffee buzz and energy. Up to this point it's been a pretty god day. I started my job at the chapel as an orderly. Another prayer answered! I heard all kinds of missed things from people. Job sucks, long hours, never in your cell to watch your shows, no visits, no chapel activities, etc. Absolutely none are true! Yes the hours are longer because you work weekends, but otherwise its 7:30-3:15 with count breaks and meals. The exception is Friday night because you have to get everything ready for the weekends and Monday morning. More hours means more pay though. Even with me starting a week later than I thought I'll still make $49 this month which is about $14 more than braille. I still get to go to my bible studies, rec at night, visits, and watch my can't-miss shows. Plus there are bonuses! Real coffee maker with real coffee, no freeze dried crap. That along with it is the only air conditioned place in the prison make it worth working there alone. Mary, one of my bosses, brought in Swiss Mocha Folgers, Folgers! Chocolate! It was such a surprise and a treat, I about cried! It's funny how it is the stupid little stuff that most people take for granted that is such a treat in here. I'm in charge of prison photos, chapel-inmate lists, special religious events, newspaper subscription and the chapel payroll. I understand there is opportunity to make some coin on the side, but I won't go into that or decided I [don't?] want the hassle. You do stay busy though and that made the day fly by. I was stressing because I thought the guy training me was leaving the end of THIS month, leaving me only a week of training, but he's not leaving till the first week in December, so plenty of time. Whew! As for th e rest of the day... I was called back to the dentist and they finished up filling my cavities. Just the one left so it didn't take long. I got a letter from my brother today. It is always super to hear form him and know of his California adventures! He sent some money which I will split between my phone account and spend. I think this month is the most money I've had placed in my account! I've been able to order double stamps and envelopes and coffee, along with buying a hot pot. Not much else to report for now.

7:00pm Holy Crap! I just got shook down! The CO was totally cool. Of all the stuff he could have taken from me he only took a magazine that didn't belong to me, and he let me keep my extra pillow for meditation. Then I got called down to the office for legal mail. The fun never stops.

10/14/2007 (...later)

Just finished The Purpose Driven Life day 2 and a poem came to me. I decided to write it down before I forget it. It can always be edited and revised later.

Wasted years, Tasted years
Broken by despair
Time crawls by, Don't know why
No one seems to care

Friends have left, friends forget
Replaced by Inmates
Family gone, They move on
Left to my dark fate

Wait! There's more, in my core
A spark of light and love
Whispered Hope, Helping cope
God's grace shines above

Hmm... I think it needs one more stanza to round it off and balance the dark first two. So far have kept the beat 6-5-6-5. It will come to me eventually.

10/14/2007

Decided to write early tonight. Got my commissary today, so I stocked up on coffee and tea and stamps, yeah! I'm a little agitated. Partly due to the caffeine, partly due for the fact that there was a beating today. It seems to happen almost every commissary day. Someone owes someone else or someone tries to strong-arm a fish or someone weaker into giving up their goodies. I don't know how which one it was tonight and I didn't see it personally, but I guess it was bad. Knocked out from the one punch and split his head on the tier cage and then stomped. I guess his cell mate pushed the emergency button otherwise it would have been worse, but I have no doubt that the cell mate will be labeled "snitch" and stomped also. The whole thing is stupid. Anyway... Theron came to visit today and that is always fun and uplifting. LOL! We were discussing building a space elevator and if you opened the top door and bottom doors at the same time would it just turn into a giant straw and empty all the earth's atmosphere into space! Seriously that is what we discussed! LOL! I'm going to catch up on my Systematic Theology course tonight, along with doing "A Purpose Driven Life". That should keep me busy the rest of the night. Tomorrow I start my new job. I don 't know what the hours are or the days I work, nor what I'm supposed to do. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Later

10/13/2007

Today is mom's birthday I gave her a call this afternoon. She sounds like she is doing well and I'm glad. We're going to start reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rich Warren, together. We decided to read the first 5 days and then swap letters afterwards. We'll continue from there. I am excited to read the book again and more excited to share it with someone I love. I h ope and pray she takes it seriously and does the questions. She and I read so many "spiritual" books but none have rang more true than this one. Sometimes you just have to cut away all the bullshit and get back to basics. Don't let other people's ideas about God, soul, heaven, hell, etc sell you. Find out for yourself. Everybody and I mean everybody knows right from wrong, good from bad, justice from injustice. They just have to stop reading, watching and believing everything they run into and listen to that center in yourself. It's there. Believe it. Listen. Anyway... speaking of have too much to read, I just wrote to 10 different places for Dharma and Yoga books. Plus a few places that have pen pal programs. Its different in here. I can diagnose my own problem in that I am trying to hold on to a "normal" life by acquiring as many possessions as possible. I'll see what happens. Hopefully I get my commissary tomorrow. I ran out of coffee and stamps. Nothing else much happened today. I'm catching up on my anime shows (Bleach, Blood+, Ghost in the Shell) then I'm going to bed.

10/12/2007

Pretty standard day here. Sleep, read, Sudoku, read, eat, repeat. I started reading The Bourne Supremacy but stopped bout 40 pages in cause I wasn't "feeling it". I decided to read Chuck Palahnuik's Lullaby. All I can say is WOW! I read it straight through 260 pages. I've forgotten how twisted funny and great his writing is. I've seen the movie Fight Club which he wrote and I vaguely remember reading Survivor. But what I remember is that I had the same reaction. I definitely need to read ALL of his stuff. I was going to donate the book to the library here after I read it, but now I want to keep it and read whenever I feel like it. That was my accomplishment for the day. I was going to go to church tonight but my cell door didn't open and if that's not a sign, I didn't know what is. The CO didn't come by till almost 7pm and by that time the service has been going for 45 minutes. I've started cutting out the 2 daily crosswords, I word jumble and the Sudokuout of the the paper. I don't know why. I suck at crosswords and word jumbles and I have enough Sudoku to last me 10 years. I've done the math... thats 728 crossword puzzles, 365 jumble-words, and 312 Sudokus for a years subscription of the paper that should last me another 10 years. That along with the bible studies, reading and TV; 20+ years should fly by with distraction and maybe by then I can be let out to go live alone by myself and institutionalized so I can't function in society anyway and I hang it up 20 years later instead of now. Cynical tonight. Hopefully better tomorrow.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] Intro Letter: 10-12-2007

My name is Heather. I am a teacher with the Liberation Prison Project and I have just received your most recent letter to us. I was happy to hear that you have an established Buddhist study group on Monday evenings. I want to say a few things about belonging to a Buddhist group and then I will address the questions you raised about your own group. I find it is helpful in my own practice to belong to a Buddhist group, or sangha, and to meet together so that we all have regular practice times. Belonging to a Buddhist sangha offers a lot of benefits to your practice; but basically it provides each member with the opportunity to both offer and receive support and encouragement. It can reinforce your commitment to your practice if you have made arrangements with others to meet at a certain time. It is also an opportunity to ask questions, study together, and talk about your understanding of Buddhist teachings with other people who are also interested in Buddhism. Now you mentioned a number of problems that you have encountered in your own situation and I will try and answer those each below.
First of all, you said that your Buddhist Study Group is scheduled for the same time as evening rec. I can see where this would be a definite conflict for other inmates and yourself. I am sure that you would all benefit from being able to be involved in both. I don't know if this is something you can try and change by working with prison staffer or not. But even if it isn't then you can still do your best to positively influence those around you. By this I mean a couple of things. First, you can encourage the interest of others. In addition to talking to anyone that expresses an interest, you could make up signs or flyers, as a way of giving out more information about your group and what you do. Second, the example you provide will say a lot about your practice to those around you. If they see that your practice affects your speech and your actions in a positive way that could spark an interest in others who are also looking for positive changes. Of course, ultimately you can only make decisions for yourself and others will also make their own choices.
You also mention that you have certain practices when you are alone but that when others are around it is more of a social meeting than a study or practice group. I can understand that. I remember when I first started practicing I was happy to bow to my Buddhist statue in the privacy of my own Buddhist room, but I was embarrassed and lacked the self confidence to perform these practices in front of anyone else. I think it must be especially difficult for you since you don't even have the opportunity to perform the more personal aspects of your practice with any privacy- even if you decided to do this outside of your group for now. Despite the fact that you have to share a cell due to overcrowding, I wonder if there are times when your cellmate is absent, that you could perform your prostrations or chanting? Is there a sympathetic staff member that you might be able to talk to about getting more privacy ror your practice given the circumstances? If there isn't anyone that can help you, and there isn't an alternative solution then you will have to decide if this is something that you want to continue to do. For example, maybe you would be more comfortable with these practices during your group time if others understood what they mean and why you perform them. I have asked for a pamphlet on prostrations to be sent to you. Hopefully this will be of some help, both to you in your own practice and in explaining it to others. I would be interested in hearing what you think of it.
I think organizing your time so that you can make the most out of your opportunities to study and practice is a great idea. I also think that developing a strong practice is something that evolves over time. You mention that you have included prostrations, chanting the heart sutra and meditating in your practice. These all sound good. In my own practice I find that I get the most benefit from it when I am able to "practice" throughout the day and not just on the cushion. For me, this means studying Buddhist books and sutras, talking to other people about Buddhist beliefs and ideas, chanting, meditating, developing compassion for others, and practicing mindful awareness. In our sangha we spend the first half of the group meditating and the second half taking turns reading a chapter from a Buddhist book. Then we have a discussion about our understanding of what the various ideas we have read mean to us in our lives, and in our practice. Maybe this is something that could work in your group?
I can also understand your confusion at having so many books to choose from. It can be hard to know where to begin. Of course this project is a part of the Tibetan tradition (The Ge lug sect in particular) And the advice we give comes from the perspective of this tradition. Regardless of this, I have always found the Dalai Lama's books to be insightful and full of compassion. If there are any of his books in the library there I would recommend starting with those. I think it is important to remember though, that all of the Buddhist books, regardless of tradition (I.e. Zen, Pure Land, Tibetan) will share a common message. They may have different rituals, practices and ways of expressing that message, and those differences could be confusing. That is why the Dalai Lama recommends choosing one path (or tradition) and sticking to that path. In some way its like knowing all the roads ahead of you will get you to the same city. You just have to stay on one long enough to get there. But if you walk just a little way (say down the Zen road) and then a little way (down the Pure Land Path) and a bit further (on the Tibetan road) you might find that you are walking a lot of different roads but not getting any closer to the city. Does that make sense?
At least that is true for some people. Other people really do seem to benefit from learning something about Tibetan Buddhism and then they might gain an important insight from a Zen practice and then they may continue to benefit from Tibetan practice again until they learn a little something more from Pureland. And so on. I think you will be able to best decide for yourself if you would like to read and follow only Tibetan teachings, or if you would like to follow a mainly Tibetan practice but enjoy reading the occasional book by another teacher in another tradition. From my own experience, I would say if you are just starting out that it might be best to stick to one road for now, and as you get more confident in your practice you will be able to better decide these things for yourself in the future.
You also comment in your letter.. ."I wish I could repay you for your kindness, but I am powerless in here." I would just like to say to that- that you are never powerless, wherever you are, and whatever situation you are in. And you always have something to give, even if it is just a kind word or a smile.
With Loving Kindness,
Heather

10/11/2007

Another day of laying bout. I forgot how slow time goes when you don't have a job. Slept all day till a headache woke me up. Went to afternoon rec and watched a pathetic softball game. I was going to call mom but she was just here and there is nothing really to say. Then I was going to call Mason (my brother) but he would be at work and I just sent him a letter 2 days ago. I had theology study class tonight. The other inmate, "C", was complaining he only gets to see his daughter once a week. Lord in heave I would literally cut off my left leg to be able to be a father again and see any of my kids, but yet I haven't written Kristy yet. Dang! They are hauling off my neighbor to the hole. I wonder what he did? Not my problem or business.
Well, shoot nothing else to report.

A Poem: Schism

Email in for a link to the website this is published on.

Schism
It's the most normal feeling in the world, like breathing.
It has always existed, like God.
This splitting, this tearing, this schism of...
(me) (mind) (soul)
Forever turning, revolving, flip flopping, like the wheel of karma.
I'm living in a Salvador Dali painting and reminiscing about autumn drives
through Spearfish Canyon; brief flashing reflections of beauty, color,
and love, on the windows of a hellish roller coaster.
Like the song says: "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
One minute knowing I am going home and everything will be the way it was.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
The next minute knowing I am going to rot and die in here.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A week of hearing a higher calling, of spreading the word and truth, helping
my fellow inmates to find peace.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A week of praying for a stroke, heart attack, falling asleep and not waking up.
A week's worth of altered children's prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord
my soul to keep. I pray I die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A month of peacefully numb acceptance.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A month of dark imaginings every time a plane skims the roof of the prison,
wishing it was 100 feet lower so it would end my nightmare.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Knowing God has a plan for me and to stay faithful.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Knowing that if Satan offered me back my life in return for my soul,
I wouldn't hesitate to sign on the dotted line.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held in my wife's loving arms.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held by straps in a padded cell.

I can't remember feeling any different.
I can't imagine feeling any different.
Breathe, Turn, Flip, Flop
Schism

Contributor's Notes...
[He] grew up in South Dakota, both east and west river. He is married, with three beautiful children. He has not seen any of them for almost two years.

10/10/2007

Well no work today. I don't start the chapel job till Monday and I' done with Braille. I slept and read on and off all day. I finished the Bourne Identity. It's nothing like the movie, but still good. I'm starting The Bourne Supremacy next. Got a new Sudoku book in the mail, I have enough puzzles to last me to the end of time. Watched a lot of TV tonight just zombied out. I really like Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman and Life.

10/9/2007

Holy crap I need to learn patience and to drown people out here. This dude on the tier above me has been yelling/conversing with someone else about 2 or 3 cells down. Literally every other word is F*&^k. Talking about "fags, niggers, chomos, fisting chicks, jews, and about every other ignorant, offensive thing you can think of. In fact he makes such a big deal about gay things and making comments about it, it makes me wonder about that saying about the more homophobic you are, the more gay and in the closet you are. Whatever, like I said, I need to learn more how to tune out. Well I showed up at the chapel for my new job, but was told I don't start 'till the 15th now. The chapel boss, Jennifer, said the shop manager for braille said I need to "finish a project." Like I said before the dude is a straight up liar. So I took my sweet time wandering over to braille. When I got there, I was told by one of the *inmate* supervisors that if I made up for the missed graphics for the last 2 weeks (7 graphics total) that I can leave. The manager didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. Gutless liar. I agree to the conditions then spoke to the planner who plan and hand out the graphics to the artists and had them give me 7 of the most ridiculously simple graphics. I kicked them out in no time and am now officially done. I wanted to verbally assault and cut down Pat on the way out but I remembered my anger/mindfulness exercises and just left. Now I'm not sure if I have the rest of the week off or go to work in the chapel tomorrow. Guess there is nothing to do but wait and see.

His letter ... 10/9/2007

Hey bro,
Well here are the first few days of the journal. I think I have to limit my mail to 5 pages per envelope, so that's why I have decided to send it now. I tried calling this weekend, but just left a voice mail. Thank you so much for the subscription to BuddhaDharma, I'm looking forward to the first issue. Mom was here this weekend, we had a great visit. Not much else to say that you can't read in the journal. Please spell check it when typing it so I don't look like a complete idiot. I've kept it completely honest and sometimes that may be shocking or disturbing at times, but I want it to be real. I've changed names where I thought appropriate. Please include my real name and prison # and address in case family and friends want to write, and sugar-mamma's, just kidding, kinda. (ha ha!) I love you little brother and thanks for doing this and everything else.

-Love
[brother]

10/8/2007

Well I told myself that this journal would be honest and bullshit free. About 30 minutes ago I had what I can only assume is an anxiety or panic attack. I don't have them often. They only seem to come when I strip away the distractions of reading, TV, or the literally 100 other things I use to keep my mind busy. I was looking at all the pictures I have when I started sweating and my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Bad cliche but accurate. Everything was accompanied by a twisting sinking knot in my stomach. Sort of like a cross of pre-vomit jitters and love sick nervousness. I couldn't breath and I wasn't completely dizzy but it felt like the start of dizziness, like being on one of those merry-go-rounds in parks for just a hair too long. It only lated 15 minutes or so but I still feel the stomach jitters. Like I said, they don't happen very often about once a week or so. Now I'm writing this while watching (and not paying attention to) Aniemonday of the Sci-Fi channel, but really just day dreaming, thinking what to write to Kirsty, composing it all in my head but to scared to actually put it on paper. God I'm a coward. Really. Cowards know they are cowards but can't seem to do anything about it. at least that's what i think. Paralyzing fear. God I'm so messed up. Nothing really exciting today. It's a holiday so there was Bingo, I didn't win anything. Went to Buddhist Study/Meditation group and didn't meditate just organized the library. Found a couple of books, that I check out. Not that I have enough (at last count 27!) to read. I'll get to them eventually. Nothing but time. Later.

10/7/2007

Well another day wasted. Theron came up to visit and that's always good. People are restless tonight banging and yelling. I went to rec outside this afternoon. It was freezing. I tried to call my brother but no answer. I also had to take another UA this afternoon. Pissed me off because they claim its random but it is the second one I've done in 2 weeks. It will never be dirty and I have trouble going "on demand." Nothing else to report. Later.

10/6/2007

Good day today. Woke up refreshed and full of energy. Cleaned my whole cell with bleach. Mom came up to visit again this afternoon after visiting Kristy and Kaden. She says Kristy looks very good and has lost weight. Kaden was chatty as usual and told "grandma" all about Kindergarten. She says he lost a bottom tooth over at Bonnie's house, so now his two bottom teeth are missing. I miss him so much it literally hurts. It feels like an icicle stabbing through my solar plexus. Kristy has had a hysterectomy and her older sister is dying of cancer. So much pain and suffering she has endured these 2 years I've been locked up. I wish I wasn't such a complete asshole to her before being arrested. Those 4 months we were separated because first of the allegations and later because she didn't want to be with me anymore, were MORE painful to me than being in prison now. I took that hurt and just turned on her. Treating her like shit refusing to help pay the bills, our bills, absolutely no kind of support what-so-ever. The few times she visited me in county jail were awkward and a hassle because of a squirmy 2 year old /3 year old Kaden. She stopped coming and it crushed me. I haven't seen or heard from them directly since. Kristy has had to file for bankruptcy on top of everything else and mom says that she even had warrants out for her for outstanding bills. I feel so low and horrible that is all because of me. God please help me, I still love her and long to see her but how could I ever ask her to forgive me? The verbal or literal slap in the face would be well deserved, but I think it would be my undoing. Kristy told mom this visit (after mom took picture) that if I wanted pictures of Kaden and to be a part of his life that i needed to go through her (Kristy). I twas the most wonderful, hopeful, fearful, stab of emotion I have ever felt. Maybe, just maybe, I can still be a part of my songs life. I am so afraid. Afraid of what to say to Kirsty and afraid of what she will say back, but mostly afraid that she won't write back or respond in any way; that she only said that to get my mother off her back. God help me! The combo of hope and fear is too much, I can't stop weeping. Got to go.

10/5/2007

What a roller coaster day. Started out normal and I was feeling pretty good all day knowing it was my last day at braille. Then 3pm hit and the shop manager said that since I didn't meet my graphic quota for the week that he is holding me there for another week. I blew up at him and told him... blah blah. You know what is it doesn't matter. Just know that Pat, the shop manager, is a liar. This isn't a inmate vs. "the man" bull shit; us vs. them. He is literally a liar and takes pleasure in making inmates suffer more. There are special places in hell for people who go out of their way to torment the downtrodden. The day ended on a good note with my mom *and* Erin visiting tonight. Erin is about to burst she is so pregnant! Still extremely adorable though. She is such a beautiful person, both on the outside (physically) and even more so on the inside. What great friends I have! Mom looks good and it was great to see her. I found out that she wasn't mat at me and not to mail back the books to her. We had a good time visiting and she'll be back up tomorrow. Nothing on TV tonight so I can finally catch up on my reading.
Goodnight

10/4/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing at work. No personal mail. Shipped out all my legal mail to my Dad. I had systematic theology class tonight. That's always interesting. Paster Steve is very smart. I like taking his course and stretching my brain. Looking forward to seeing mom. Hope she comes up tomorrow night AND this weekend. Well pretty tired, going to bed.

10/3/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing exciting except mason subscribed to BuddhaDharma magazine for me. That's awesome! Theron put $25 in my account like I asked him. That was before I knew mom was going to put in money also. I'll put it to good use though. I think I'll buys a hot-pot so I can have hot water all the time. I'm still waiting for the $10 to be sent in from the brother of "Bob" (inmate). I loaned him $5 in coin like 3 weeks ago and he is now overdue by a week. If it doesn't come by Friday, I'm juicing him for more. Either coin of food. Now I know not to lend to him again. Kinda sad tonight. I've been thinking a lot about my kids and Kristy. I feel if I could just have some kind of correspondence with Kristy and Kaden this place and my life would be bearable.

10/2/2007

In a great joy of a mood and with good mood comes energy and another journal entry. I've been bummed out lately but today I got a lot of mail! Yeah! I got a letter form Dad and not only did he write but also sent money (personal check) so I can't have it, but it is the thought that counts. He says he is going to start sending $25/month which would ease my condition up here tremendously! More importantly he filled out the visitation paperwork which means he can now visit me if he wants! Good Lord, how I miss him and would love to see him. On top of all that I received a letter and pictures form Mom. There was some beautiful shots of the bay area, great shots of my brother and mom, and some depressingly similar shots of Alcatraz. Weird that the tiered living cells look so similar, but maybe all prisons look like that, I wouldn't know. Mom says she will be here this weekend and I that's awesome! Visits and mail really lift my spirits. On top of that family letters mom also put in $20 in my account. Such a trivial amount in the real world (outside) but it means so much to me in that it takes me over 3 weeks of work to make that amount. It was good to hear from Mom, I was worried she was mad at me. I wrote her almost 2 months ago and was doing some major venting about this place and how they denied me some books she sent me. Looking back it might have come across like I was upset at her, which wasn't the case at all. I'll apologize in person this weekend. Other than the mail, I found out today that I get to drink *real* coffee at my new job starting next week. So much better than the freeze-dried stuff. With mom visiting and an inmate friend of mine making a cream-cheese cake with the cream cheese I've been giving him from my breakfast, this might be a good weekend. Well my show (Reaper) is starting soon. Write later.

10/1/2007

Well this is the first day of writing in my journal. I will try to do it everyday no matter how boring. Tired today, I couldn't seem to get awake no matter how much coffee I drank. Work at braille was the usual. Boring and the shop boss is a complete tool. Pat (boss) made a point to tell everyone that they "have" to wear their tan shirts starting Oct 1 (today). Everyone has seen it posted for the last week. He made a point to search me and pat me down before lunch. I think he suspects that I'm going to take things from the shop since it is my last week there. He's right. I might as well make some can-cash (aka tokens) selling some stuff. Had Buddhist study group tonight. if you can call it that. It has been just me and another inmate for the last 3 months. The last 3 weeks we haven't even meditated because the Muslims are in our usual spot. I left early and returned to my cell and watched TV. Chuck (funny show), Heros, Journeyman, and Animonday. I would like ot sleep but the natives are restless tonight. Half are watching baseball and the other half is listening to the football game. Anytime anything, and I mean *anything* happens in the game everybody yells and ponds their lockers. It's very loud. Well I better try to get some rest. I hope tomorrow i get some mail. It is really the only part I look forward to int he day (mail pass out). Well that and visits, but I only seem to get them on the weekends.
Goodnight.