11/25/2007

Commissary day! Hooray! I wasn't sure if I was going to get it or not. I have a $25 limit per week and with a book order for $20.15 and $20 worth of com. I went over. Yeah! for the small victories! Things still annoying me today. I spent most of the day reading. I'm reading "The Three Pillars of Zen" by Phillip Kapleau. I've read it before many years go. In fact it was the first book I read after discovering Buddhism in high school. I personally think it is the best book on Zen. It covers everything from beginning to advanced stuff and gives real life western examples of people asking questions. Well just read it, it would be easier. I need to commit to sitting and meditating more. I've been lazy, which is why I'm probably anxious and annoyed. My only beef with Zen is that it never really mentions God. Sure the law of karma, enlightenment and becoming aware of Everything is one. But they never say what the one is. Well it doesn't matter, I know, I KNOW the one is God. I also know that through prayer and meditation I can come to know God more intimately or become enlightened or whatever you want to call it. I have nothing, NOTHING else to strive for. With the failure of the appeal and not having contact with my wife and any of my children, I don't have the chance to be a father in any form. No bills to pay, no job to worry about, no family to support. I'm in a really dirty, stinky, loud, temptation ridden, hell hole of a monastery. But a monastery none the less, so I might as well start treating it like one and get to work on my spiritual path. Whatever that is. Philippians 2:12-13

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who work in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Yeah, time to live it. So how do I do that in here? I can be "good", not get into trouble, be a "model inmate", pray, meditate. But really, it is really about faithful waiting. I mean come on, what else really can I do? Sit, pray, meditate and faithfully wait. Wait for enlightenment or the "end of days" or death. All will be the justified end. Heaven, peace, quiet, reunited with loved ones and family. That is the only thing I have to look forward to. But till then... sit, pray, meditate, grow old and faithfully wait. I know He hasn't left me, forgives me and is waiting for me. I know He hears me, protects me. I know I can speak to Him, meditate on Him, somehow serve Him, but how? How? I wish someone reading this blog would write me. It would be nice to know that my thoughts and words are reaching somewhere. That someone somewhere either can relate, or shares the same insight or feelings or even thinks I'm full of shit. Either way. Not that I am alone, I have a lot of support from my family and friends, but they're biased :-) I am blessed heavily though.