12/17/2008

Again I haven't written in this journal for a while. I have been caught up in dark thoughts and distracted by worldly things. The darks seems so comfortable sometimes, like wearing your favorite jeans or indulging in your favorite drug or junk food. I don't know which is better for the creative process of ideas, is it the dark I've been in, the light from 6 months ago or the numb grey that was in between? Or is it all of the above? I'm curious if anyone in the past has such dramatic swings and cataloged it in writing or art. Not that I've done either, but curious. I'm so tired all the time. Yesterday was only a half-day of work and I told myself I was going to catch up on some reading and studying. I ended falling into coma sleep from 10:30am-3:30pm and went to bed again at 9:30pm - 7:30am and I'm still exhausted.

BOOK LISTS

This post will be updated as the list changes. Please visit the link below to find the

• Books Read (1st tab)
• Books Owned (2nd tab)
• Wish List (3rd tab)

Book Lists

11/8/2008

Been a while since I wrote anything. I don't know why I am, nobody really reads this but a few. And if it were millions? Well with my self-destructive attitude I would probably sabotage it somehow and make sure it was never read again.

Well Obama won the election and I guess I'm glad. But it's hard to give a shit when you can't vote and you're an inmate that can't relate to change or hope or any of those fluffy buzz words you use to convince people to vote for him. NO political candidate comes anywhere near prison reform. And to make it worse the "African-Americans" locked up here have twisted and perverted Obama's message that it's turned into a reversal racism thing, which just stirred up the "white" racists and there have been fights and shit ever since. Whatever. Like I said unless he does prison reform, gets rid of mandatory sentences or gives me a pardon, I don't give a shit.

There isn't even a way to better one self while in here. Get this... this lifer dude has served 14 years in here and been a model inmate the whole time, I mean not even a simple write up! On top of that he is a born again Christian and has helped countless inmates by sharing his story of near suicide and redemption which in turn grows the church attendance making it the largest and most influential church behind these walls. So he comes up in front of the board for a commutation of sentence and asks the pastor of this church to come with him. Mind you not that the pastor has to say anything, just be there. And the inmate is told to go kick rocks, they/he won't do it. The inmate is denied commutation (nobody gets it anyway so no surprise there) and blames the pastor, the church, God and quits going to church and attendance drops by 30%! If a faithful, model inmate can't even count on the pastors, well man then there is no one left! Crazy!

So with no way out of here I'm praying for a compassionate release, which is what they give you if your on your death bed, sometimes. Staring at a picture of Kuan Yin the Buddha of compassion with her thousand arms reaching out to help those who call on her, I whisper a prayer for release. A commercial for pancreatic cancer catches my eye and a morph my prayer into a "ooh, ooh, yeah that would do." Later in the night my "visual meditation" turns dark when I picture myself with a thousand arms and hands, but I'm not dispensing comfort or compassion. I clawing, grasping at any disease, organ failure, stroke, heart attack, anything to speed this pathetic existence up and making it come to a close. So just end it yourself you say? Oh no, can't. There's the problem of the after life. Christan = straight to hell; Buddhist = Shittier rebirth. Not to mention I'm a sadist. Like a car wreck I can't look away from my life.

I mean let us be brutally honest. It is going to be nothing but loss and pain from here on out. Milestones of misery. All experience behind bars with no control or way to deal with it. The first death of a friend or family member is a biggie. The drifting away of the people who you thought loved you. Failed attempts to get yourself free through the legal process. Kids growing up not knowing of your existence or knowing and not caring. Between point A and point B on the time line it is all down hill misery with nothing positive to look forward to but the end and nothing you can do to stop the negative. Nothing to do except take advantage of the people still in your life while they're still around and try to be as comfortable as you can be in a prison cell. T.V.? Check, radio? - check, books, hot pot, headphones? - check, check, check. Calendar to cross off the days? -= check Sense of wonder of where three years have gone? - check. Lots of time to learn a new talent? = check Too much depression and apathy to bother trying? - check. Writing in a journal excited that it is to be digitized and turned into a blog? - check.
Again realizing nobody really reads it? - check. Ha!

10/3/2008

An inmate that I know attempted suicide last night. He was in the SHV or the hold and hanged himself. THe guards are supposed to check cells every 15 minutes, they didn['t. The person you share the cell with is supposed to stop you or at least push the emergency button; he didn't. He's in a medical induced coma, no one knows if he will make it. It won't be reported in the papers or on the T.V. news. It happens more than anyone on the houtside knows or cares. They (wardens) keep it hush hush and report that the inmate population has decreased over the last year so the system must be working. Yeah, right.

9/29/2008

In my age of concrete, I am anything but. I offer no support, no stability, no foundation. My friends and family suffer and reach out. I'm nothing, a mist, an ethereal body perpetually oozing suffering to all around me. Even when not tainting the people I love I have no ability to comfort or console but only whisper prayers alone in my cell. But who hears? The suffering only continues for everyone.

9/24/2008

Well another busy day and by busy I mean more than one thing that needs to be done a day. I had my theeth cleaning finished (by the same vomit girl) and she was fine today. I also finally moved to the south side of the East hall where it is much quieter. I can still hear the north side from here if that tells you how noisy it is over there. On another plus side is the fact Ithat I'm at the end of the tier so there is absolutely no traffic except people coing to see me. Wow! What a blessing! It really is a pain in the butt to move but hopefully this will be the last time for a long, long while. I found out today that I have to take pictures at a muslim special holiday event. It pissed me off at first since the holiday is on a thursday night and I'll have to miss my theology class, but I got over it quickly when I  found out that I get to partake in th eir feast which includes real steak gyros with all the fiings (jalapeno poppers and strawberry cheese cake!) REAL FOOD! Shit, I'd convert to Islam if I got to eat like that on a regular basis! Ha ha! It's weird though, food commercials are more arousing than hot chicks on T.V. I'm a fat man and food ads are my porn! Ha! If I had a choice between a deep dish pizza and a hot brunette? Hmm... PIZZA!

9/23/2008

I went to the dentist today for a cleaning. It's like a 8 month waiting list once you sign up for it, so even though inconvenient, I went. I quickly realized that the inmates are Guinea pigs for second year students. So while I'm in a very compromising position this kid (seriously) is poking around my mouth and naturally I start to taste blood. I don't know if it was my bleeding gums, the heat or her nerves but she lost it. Seriously. She announced she was going to faint and then ran to the bathroom (which isn't far away) and threw up. Well I felt bad, not that it's my fault, but the other two inmates thought this was the funniest thing EVER! And what could only be descried as half choking/gagging and half laughing I could tell they couldn't wait to have the other students fingers removed from their mouths so they could make wise cracks. Sure enough comments were made to the absent vomiting female student and several were made about my breath and condition of my teeth. I was excused and told my cleaning will be finished tomorrow, end of story, right? WRONG! To my surpirse the new traveled through the Lifetime Network (the name I give the gossiping lifers here) and received a slap on the back accompanied with what insults, jokes, comments you can think of. I didn't take it personally, there is so little humor in here, that you have to learn to take the laughs when you can. What a day! You can't make this stuff up! Nothing really else new here. A couple of fights today, one close enough I had to clean my cell bars of blood splatter. Yuck! The fights have become so common that I don't really pay attention anymore. This one went right by my cell and worked its way down the tier. I glanced up, noted I needed to clean my bars and went back to reading.

9/17/2008

All the theological studies, meditation and praying and I still caught myself lying today. About a week ago a member of cornerstone prison fellowship church and one of the "outsiders" who came in on a regular basis died. Dick (that's the fellow's name) had a long life, I think he wan in his 80's but he died suddenly when the tractor tire he was changing blew up. I really didn't know him, shook his hand when I went to Friday Church, and yet when I'm asked if I knew him well, I say "Yes, he was a good and kind man." I wonder why I feel the need to lie? Am I so desperate for real human connection that I cling to a fake friendship of a dead man?

9/14/2008

Toes grip and cling, hanging over the ledge of the highest cliff I've ever seen. Actually I don't know if it is high or not because staring down, I can see nothing but black. Not a nighttime black, but a lack of everything black, a hole devoid of anything, so devoid of anything that my eyes swim and flex in and out of focus trying, straining to fixate on anything at all. I have to will them to relax and not strain. There's no fear when I stare down, I know the ground is firm, I know there is no wind or anything else that puts me in jeopardy of falling forward. I am alone and inf act feel nothing. No joy, no sadness, no anticipation, no disappointment, nothing, just blank. I call down to the void "Hello? Is anybody there? Hello?" No answer, no echo, the blackness even voids my voice swallows all sound. No frustration of disappointment I do an about-face and start walking away from the cliff and void. The land is flat and dry... no color, well gray if that's a color, the light around me is an ambient light having no direct source. I walk and walk and eventually wake up in my cell. That is the dream I've had for about four nights now. NO changes, nothing added or different night after night. Starts at the cliff and ends with me walking.

Quote of the week:

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and kindles of fire."
- La Rochefaoucauld (1613-1680)

9/13/2008

Weird dreams for a while now. Probably the food here. Nothing but starches, carbs and junk food. Waiting for my anime shows to start. I'm glad that my shows are starting up again soon. Chuck, The Office, Heroes, Pushing Daisies. I need a TiVo, will someone out there petition the prison for TiVo? I can't neglect my reading and studies though, if it comes down to studies and T.V. I'll unplug the T.V.

7/16/08

Wow! Two days in a row writing! Oh, but I'm anxious. I don't know why but my head is spinning with spiritual thoughts, desperate thoughts, seeking thoughts. It's probably the combination of getting a letter from my aunt who is the most liberal, spiritual-seeking person in my family, that along with the theology class and reading the Dali Lama's "The Good Heart". I seem to be a spiritual tweeker, like a person desperately seeking his lost car keys in a craze swearing up and down that "they have to be here somewhere", that's the way I'm searching for God, for truth. The reading of Biblical scriptures, systematic theology, Buddhist philosophy and psychology. desert father writings, contemplative prayer brochures, mixed with my own meditation, prayer and yoga may seek like the oddest combination, but, but, but, "I know I left my self-realization here somewhere! God's self-revelation and his plan for me must be here somewhere!" Ha, ha! Like a said, a spiritual tweeker. I've never tried meth but I talk to people inside here and how you take a hit and your mind goes into one-track mode and you think or do little else than the one thing that you're stuck on. Yeah, that's me only crazier. 95% of my day is spend thinking about some spiritual or religious thing. The other 5% is being caught up in prison bullshits. Yeah, spiritual tweeker, truth seeker. I think I'm going crazy but so far I love it.

7/15/08

I Think I have just read the most touching, beautiful and personal paragraphs. No other writing has spoken to me and about what I'm feeling. It is an excerpt from "The Seven Story Mountain" written by Thomas Merton. It is a meditation of God speaking directly to Thomas and in so doing, speaking to me in a round about way also. Here it is:


"When you have been praised a little and loved a little I will take away all your gifts and all your love and all your praise and you will be utterly forgotten and abandoned and you will be nothing, a dead thing, a rejection. And in that day you shall begin to possess the solitude you have so long desired. And your solitude will bear immense fruit in the souls of men you will never see on earth.


Do not ask when it will be or where it will be or how it will be: On a mountain or in a prison, in a desert or in a concentration camp or in a hospital or at Gethsemane. It does not matter. So do not ask me, because I am not going to tell you. You will not know until you are in it.


But you shall taste the true solitude of my anguish and my poverty and I shall lead you into the high places of My joy and you shall die in Me and find all things in My mercy which has created you for the end..."


Well, that's it. Painfully perfect, accurate, personal and beautiful.

7/12/08

So many ups and downs in here. Actually...that's bullshit. It's more like constantly treading water just to keep your head above the line. That's a good day. It is exhausting and sometimes you feel like you're going to drown. Like today. There are some things you know are coming and yet when they do, you still feel like you've been impaled on a red hot spike. Like my sentencing, my divorce, and my friend "S" finally visit and good-bye. I say friend but there really isn't any words to describe who she is and what she has meant to me. My guardian angel, the one I confessed my long to end it all when all this shit first hit. The angel that can to this very day ask me the simple question, "How are you?" and when I give my generic answer of "I'm fine" will stare intently at me and say "No you are not, what's really going on?" I then get blurry-eyed from the pain she makes me face, the mask she sees right through, and the frustration I fell because I can never fool her. It is looking into those eyes that I've told her things and shared feelings that I would never, could never, tell anyone else. All those visits and support she gave me through my county time and my time here on the hill, when 95% of the rest of my family and friends won't visit or write, they all just vanished like smoke in a strong wind, she is my rock.

There is absolutely no one else closer to me, dearer to me on a spiritual level. She is my counselor, my prophets, my hope, and the only physical presence in my life that shines God's grace and mercy on me. I gaze into her eyes and I literally see God's love working in her and working through her. What a delight to have her in my life! A wonderful mother, a loving wife, a strong, smart, beautiful Christian woman; she embodies everything I dare to dream for if I ever get out of here. If I could find a woman just half as good as her, I would live the rest of my years in bliss. And now she is gone. Oh, she'll write, of that I'm sure, but it will never be the same. How do you thank the sun for the warmth and life it has brought to you? How do you properly praise the flower for bringing the only fragrance of live and hope you've felt in the last 3 years? She was my spiritual sounding board, my right hand in all things of God and I have been amputated.

I've been left empty, a void has been created, my thirst left unquenched. I will miss her painfully every day. My last time seeing her for who knows how long and I couldn't do anything but express my own selfish fears and worries about her leaving. I couldn't even tell her how I feel/felt about her and what she means/meant to me. I made several attempts only to get choked up and have tears run down my cheeks. It took all my strength not to blubber and weep all over her. Can't have that, gotta man up, there are inmates and guards watching, you know. I'll save it all till I am alone tonight. Thank you for everything "S". I love you tremendously and will miss absolutely everything about you.

7/06/08

Wow. I haven't written in my "journal" for awhile. I guess that is what happens when there is not much going on. My best friend T comes to visit every weekend. I haven't seen E in about a month now. My aunt from another state came to visit and it was wonderful but nothing I feel like sharing here. (Those are my memories to keep.) I have some more books on the way although I don't know why wince I have plenty to read to begin with. It's an addiction,k this book collecting. I had a poem published in a prison ministry booklet. I submitted another to Quiet Mountain Essays but I haven't heard back yet. I've been writing some more but nothing is edited or refined. I started coloring the mandala that I created more than 8 months ago. I continue with my theology studies, my religious readings and my fantasy/sci-fi readings. It honestly alternates to whatever my mood for the day is. I still watch my shows: The Office, My Name Is Earl, Bleach, Deathnote and various other anime. I still feel a strong urge to draw/paint/create but still too lazy to teach myself or practice. The same goes for the guitar I have in my cell. I still have my chapel job and am thankful for it because it is the only air-conditioned place in the prison, oh yeah, and the free coffee too. I recently redecorated my cork board where I gets to pin up my pictures. I took down all the pictures of my kids and ex-wife and other people I had hanging that aren't in my life anymore. I figured why torture myself any longer staring at them. The only people left up there are people who still are and are still in contact. The rest of the "pictures" are nature shots art I find interesting and religious materials. Well that's it for me. I wish everyone out there reading this a happy and safe 4th of July weekend.

Beauty Let Down

Staring out my cell door through the bars
Gazing out the thick cubed security glass
I lose myself in the beauty of an orange sunset
Only to realize it's the sodium security light, just come one.
A trick of the light;
A trick on my slight.
With a sigh, I go back to reading.

Longing

In a world of concrete walls, floors and walkways, my feet ache to feel a massaging walk in cool spongy thick emerald fields of fragrant grass. I long to dip my hands into crystal cool waters and have rivulets tickling me all the way down to my elbows.

In a world of steel mesh and bars colored gray and concrete walls that are white-washed, my eyes thirst to drink in flawless blue skies deep enough to lose yourself in. I long to feast upon rolling hills of flowers every color of the rainbow and watch them sway, dance and bow in the breeze. I long to gaze upon snow-capped mountains that majestically defy time and stretch their grandeur to the heavens.

In a world filled constantly with lies, sarcasm, profanity and hatred, my ears strain to hear the whispering sighs of the wind moving through the trees, the soothing laughter of mountain streams and the quiet meditative sounds of nature surrounding me.

7/01/08

Grace and Mercy
by #48018

It only hurts when I'm awake and when I'm asleep, dreaming.
It only hurts when hearing the metallic clank of my cell door and whenever I hear a child's laugh.
It only hurts when I reflect on the good times and when I remember the not-so-good times.
It only hurts when no one writes or visits and when they do write and visit.
It only hurts when...It only hurts when...It only hurts when...
(shh) stop. Quiet - breathe in.
(shh) Psalms 46:10 - breathe out.
"Be still and know that I am God."
In a single span of a breath
In the space between in and out.

Grace and Mercy

And my cheeks are wet with gratitude.

6/16/08

Chapter 6: Breaking Free


Again this chapter is about the pain body and again it is just as easy to substitute the word demon. Tolle even makes the transition easier with words like "unholy alliance" and "a person possessed".


Chapter 7: Finding Who You Truly Are

This is so far the best-written and smartest chapter of the book. Why does it take 185 pages to get to real substance and advice on how to live happier? Still pantheistic themes but a lot of Zen and "living in the now" and mindfulness examples and exercises.


Chapter 8: The Discovery of Inner Space


This is a continuation of the previous chapter. Smart, insightful with good explanations of a quiet place you can reach with some lifestyle changes and meditation exercises. I would have liked to see less preaching on the evils of TV and more advice and exercises on different meditations, Zen and Christian.


Chapter 9: Your Inner Purpose


This is a pretty good self-help chapter about living in the moment and being mindful in everything you do. It ties in well with Chapter 7 & 8.


Chapter 10: A New Earth


Overall, not a bad conclusion to the book or more accurately the last 3 chapters of the book. It seems Tolle kind of hurried through it though. There are a lot of Zen, Sufi and Christian references without Tolle expounding on any of them. He could have kept the last 3 chapters as they were and cut the rest of the book down to at least half of what he wrote and came out with a better book.


In Conclusion: A New Earth is not a book for beginners or people that are in a deeper place in their spiritual lives or reading. It works well for the average, intermediate spiritual seeker and introduces good starting concepts on emptiness, space, ego and mindfulness. I would recommend it to a person that seems chronically unhappy or angry all the time and is hostile toward religions or God. The psychology in it is very down to earth and well written, but Tolle's theological ideas seem hastily put together and are most of the time inconsistent. It's a good jumping off point in reading about what is wrong with you but I wish he would have offered more solutions or at least added a recommended reading list for meditation, mindful living, etc. I think it will and does click well with some people and not so well with others. I guess that's okay since Tolle addresses that very issue in the book.


On a more personal note, I appreciate my aunt for sending me the book and though I don't agree with everything in the book, I do love reading all kinds of books. So my heartfelt thanks to her.

6/16/08

Chapter 3: The Core of Ego



I really, really liked this chapter and the psychology of it. I felt like he was attacking Christianity a little when he is telling of the inquisition and the horrible crimes that were committed in the name of religion. But it wasn't the religion that was flawed but the people following it which further shows the broken-ness of humans. I think this is what Tolle was trying to say but he wasn't very articulate or graceful in doing so. I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Tolle states: "...you won't find absolute truth if you look for it where it cannot be found: in doctrines, ideologies, sets of rules, or stories." But yet here is another book claiming the absolute truth! Ha Ha! He also makes the statement, "The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you are the truth." This is (in my opinion) a false statement. The use of the capital "T" in Truth can only be another label for God and at best we are but an image, a reflection of God or Truth: not God or Truth itself. In the sub-chapter entitled "All Structures Are Unstable", Tolle tacks on a statement from Jesus about "eternal life" which is hastily put into place and conveniently not expanded upon. I can't help but feel that Tolle feels like he needs to back up his ideas and beliefs by pointing out Biblical scripture that is taken out of context and used to make his own point. This is nothing new though, many so-called Christians do it also, but it is still equally wrong.



Chapter 4 Role Playing: The Many Faces of Ego



This is where the book really shines. Tolle is a very intelligent psychologist and articulates very well the workings of the ego and the different roles we play to sustain it. He should stick with the psychology and basic practices of how to overcome it without bringing the sense of spirituality into it. He is not so strong in that area and his theology is inconsistent at best. In this chapter I cam across a paradox of the ego that creates suffering or a "hell on earth" but yet Tolle claims that suffering is needed to come to an awakening and rid the ego. Again on page 116, he quotes Biblical scripture to fit his needs of a psychological analogy. "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus was not discussing the broken egos or psychological dysfunctions of his persecutors.



I'm actually done with Chapter 5 also but I have so many things to write about that chapter, that I need to collect my notes and write it in later. If Tolle's example of God is correct, then I am truly crazy because God speaks to me and guides me. If He is not a conscious, personal, intelligent being, then I just have voices and delusions, which I guess could be true, but I don't think so.



Chapter 5: The Pain Body



This chapter is very interesting. The concept of the pain body is unique and I agree with Tolle for most of the chapter. His writing once again is inconsistent though and he often contradicts himself. If he would only stick to psychology! Once he starts introducing mystical or spiritual concepts the chapter falls apart. It starts on page 129 when he misinterprets the term karma. He continues to use a pantheistic view of "intelligence" at least up until he starts describing the pain body. With phrases and words such as "primitive intelligence" that know when to sleep, wake, what buttons of yours to push to feed the ego, and with intelligence enough to recognize other pain bodies that it can use to beef up your suffering, it is obvious that this thing has a personality and he also states that it is separate from the harmony of the creative intelligence. Um...if Tolle subscribes to the God is in everything/Life Force/Universe knows best theory, then shouldn't the pain body be a part of the same universe? And if it is separate from the life force, then where does it come from? If there isn't a personable God involved in life, then why does this thing that is the opposite of God have personality traits? (Or for that matter why do we??) IN fact, I don't disagree with Tolle about the pain body at all and all the personality traits it has and how it schemes. I even like that he calls it a "psychic parasite". I just choose to call it what it really is...a demon. Do yourself a HUGE favor and go buy/rent the book "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis and read it side by side with this pain body chapter and see how eerily close they resemble each other. The Christian demon that Lewis writes about acts and reacts the EXACT same way that Tolle's pain body does. Tolle also climbs a slipper slope when he is describing collective pain bodies. One false step and a person could easily misconstrue or fall into such concepts of justifying a caste system, racism, sexism and even anti-Semitic thoughts. The collective pain body sounds very familiar to group or collective karma teachings I've read and I had a hard time swallowing those too.

6/8/08

Crazy busy this week. I did read the next few chapters of "A New Earth" though; here are some thoughts and notes.

Chapter 2 Ego: The Current State of Humanity

For the most part, I really enjoyed this chapter and his descriptions on how the ego works and how it gives rise to suffering. The statement on page 41 - "One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." Considering Tolle has yet to attribute God as a personal conscience being I fail to see how a power life "Life" can know anything and recognize what you need. I would rewrite it..."God will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your soul so you will be a part of Him again." Tolle also uses the imagery of a person on his/her deathbed when all external worldly things fall away and you get to the root of who you really are. But prison works for some people also. Tolle also uses the term "I AM" to describe your inner "being". I wonder if he used this term because that is the name of God translated into English or if it was unintentional. Like I said, the chapter on a whole is pretty good but if falls apart on the last page and in his summary on page 58. The statement on negativity about "...the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful." Doesn't that contradict his earlier statement that Life will give you what you need to evolve? On the same page, he falls away from his pantheistic view of God and uses the term "creative intelligence" and also states that once you are aligned with this creative intelligence then "coincidences happen". But it is not a coincidence if you are dealing with an intelligent creative force or a personal God and it is not a coincidence if that is what is supposed to happen once you are in harmony with an unintelligent god or life force of universal laws. So either way the statement is wrong. So far (and it is early in the book) I fail to see how Tolle can interchange the words "Universe", "Life", "Creative Intelligence" and "God". If he is in the mind set of God as a pantheistic "presence" a law of the universe to be viewed as other laws of the universe such as gravity or if you want to be spiritual, Karma, then there is no room for intelligence at all. Gravity doesn't think and act on which objects to interact with and which ones to ignore; it acts on all things equally, it is a force. I'm not saying a pantheistic view of God is wrong, but I do wish he would pick a viewpoint and terminology to go with it and stick with it. Whether you agree with his point of views or not, the book would be stronger if he did so. In my opinion all would be tied together if he just came out and said there is a personal intelligent being that oversees all, including the forces of the universe, that we call God. Well, that's all my thoughts on Chapter 2.

6/01/08

Chapter 1 - Ego: The Flowering of Human Consciousness

I actually agree with Tolle's definition of ego and the allusions he draws from Buddhist sources and some western psychology. I do believe there needs to be a shift in basic society conscience but I see no evidence of this already happening. He makes the case of the "shift" by giving examples of people moving away from "dogma" and religion and shows evidence that people are becoming more "spiritual" witghout gluing themselves to a belief system or religions. I like his writings on sea creatures evolving adn coming onto land to become something else or reptiles sprouting wings and turning into birds but if he (Tolle) is an evolutionist then why does he add mystical and spiritual properties to these events? And if he is spiritual then what or who is the driving force for the creaturesw wanting to evolve in the first place? IN fact, in the first chapter which outlines what the rest of the book is about, Tolle lays (it seems so far) all the work of evolving on the individual, there is no mention of a divine personal power or God at all. I also strongly disagree with his statement: "If evil has any reality-and it has a relative, not an absolute, reality-..." Um, spend some time in prison and stare into the eyes of a man who has raped and murdered several women and children and swee no remorse, regret and still in a rage, and tell me that is "relative" not absolute evil. There is absolute wrong or evil in this world otherwise what is that "inner voice" Tolle talks about doing whispering moral rights and wrongs to you? If all is relative, then why have a shift in consciousness at all? If it is all relative, then why is anybody in prison?

6/01/08

Okay. Here's the deal. I was sent this book called "A New Earth" written by Eckhart Tolle. To tell you the truth this book already has a strike against it in that it has been praised and pushed upon the masses by Oprah. It's not that I hate Oprah, in fact, she has given and helped out very noble causes but that is not the definition of a noble person. She still comes off as a little self-righteous when she does these things. Or maybe I just don't like rich people, ha-ha. Anyway, Oprah aside, I'm going to try to read this self-help spirituality book with an open mind. Butg again truth be told, between my own, um, discoveries and studies and what I believe to be divine revelation, I don't have much use for another person to tell me "what it is all about". Not only that but the truths that have been revealed to me are so obviously concrete and absolute to me that I run the risk of being overly critical of anything that I can now sniff out as bullshit, but on the other hand, I can also confirm to alot of teachings that I know to be true. So I'm going to read the book one chapter at a time and make my own comments on it and write them here. Not that I am any expert on anything, but I'll do what I can and write what I can, what else is there to do?

5/26/2008

Just finished reading the second Chuck Palahniuk book my brother sent me 4 days ago. That's two Chuck books read in 4 days! I am forever grateful for this dude's books and my brother who sent them to me. In the world I live in now, it's a giant relief to read something more twisted, surreal and just plain wrong and messed up more than what I'm living. His stories, characters and situations are so hilariously dark that when my imagination snaps back from Chuck's books, I feel like I'm living in club med. If I was one of those charities that get to meet someone famous before you die, Chuck Palahniuk would be it.

5/20/2008

Studying theology tonight and more specifically, the decree/decrees of God, when I came across the following perfectly written material from Berkhof.

There is in God, as we have seen, a necessary knowledge, including all possible causes and results.
... there is no blind decree in God, but only an intelligent and deliberate purpose.

As I read these passages, and the 2 paragraphs between, they rang true in my mind, heart and soul. With that being said... I wish He would tell me what fucking purpose He has for me.

5/19/2008

Busy, back to work after a long weekend of visits from mom, T. & E. I'm blessed to have them all. I took a three day writing workshop called worship writing. I took the last poem I wrote and turned it into a devotional meditation. I think it works better that way. Everybody read theirs but I just wrote one and had the professor read it and it was under anonymous. The guy who read it is named James S. I guess he posted it on his blog. Well my shows are on, Later.

5/11/2008

Happy Mother's Day! I sent cards to both my mother and grand-mother. I wish I could've sent cards/letters to both my ex-wives and mothers to my children, but they would be ill received and I think against the law. I have to remember that part of my life is forever gone. Got a letter from my mother yesterday, she's coming to visit next week. I'm attending a spiritual writing workshop next week. Not much else going on. I wrote a new poem, if you can call it t hat, it's called "Corkboard of Escape"

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

Corkboard of Escape

In prison, when the day is done and you're locked down, there's not much to look at. In my cell it's just me, God, my television, and my prison issued corkboard where I get to hang my pictures. Every night I stare at it, my eyes wandering from picture to picture, taking in the smiles and the beautiful scenery. I lose myself in each frozen moment of time. I reminisce and meditate on friends, family and children and the moments I've had with them in my brief 32 years on this earth. Sometimes the memories are pleasant, filled with joy and happiness. Most of the time though they are just filled with longing sadness. I desperately grasp to hold on to the past happy memories but it's like trying to capture fog. My heart is going to burst, my guts turn inside-out, vertigo sets in as joy, love, loss and sorrow hit me in the same instant, washing over me, crushing me. It's the most exquisite suffering. My eyes well up and overflow with silent weeping and the world swims in lost focus while I wonder how one person can endure such suffering. Then I remember the suffering of Jesus. With a single shuddering inhalation, and lucid again, my eyes refocus on the bright silver tacks that hold memories in place. Thirty-three fish-eyed mirrors reflecting the same image back at me. Tiny unblinking eyes of God, showing a grown weeping man. Squinting to get a clearer view, I wonder "Who is that?" Husband? - Nope divorced twice. Father? Not anymore. Brother, son, nephew, grandson, friend? The answer is none of the above. It's just a sinner, a baffled stranger, even to myself, staring back. State issued corkboard of escape? Not today. Not this time. Fatigued, exhausted and drained He makes me lie down. It's not a green pasture, but it is a relief as I slip into coma sleep. He gives me peace and makes me sleep. And for that I am thankful.

5/5/08

What the hell is wrong with me? I bought tennis shoes, and been looking forward to going to outside rec. Well the night came and I chose to sit and what? WATCH T.V.! I am damaged goods, this proves it.

4/27/2008

Theron visited today. It's always a loud, fun, geeky conversation, and I love him all the more for it. I was getting ready for bed and wondering what I was going to get my mom (if anything) for mothers day, (I've been prayerfully wondering this for a few weeks now) when I 'm struck with an answer and guided to write the letter to her now. I just got done and it took me about 2 hours to look everything up and to write everything out. I have to say in all seriousness that my hand and mind have never been more out of my control and guided by God as tonight. It's wonderful and extremely spooky. I'm completely amped up still and am wondering if I'll even be able to sleep tonight. I figured I'll write one more jounral entry before I send this batch off to my brother to post on the blog. Tomorrow I'll typu p the letter to mom (so she can actually read it) and put in a notice to send off her gift even though it's a couple of weeks early. Good night.

4/26/2008

3:40am
Woke up with weird dreams. The worse kind, the ones that shine a big bright spotlight on how you truly feel and what you truly think and what you yearn and hope for. I literally woke up with my heart pounding and aching and my gut clenching and flip-flopping. And as I sat/lie there, thinking about everything in the dream, I came to the harsh brick wall of reality. I'm never going to have freedom again, never going to be part of my children's lives again, never going to experience true wholesome love for a woman, and if I do it is for the wrong person at the wrong time and will go unanswered or worse yet, laying it out there with "I truly deeply love and care for you" and her replying with "Um, yea, thanks." The relationships I have with the rest of my family is strained and hard at the best of times. Like I said, through the mist of delusion, (which I think every inmate clings to because what else is there) through the fog of hope and the constant mantra "I can have these things, my life is going to get better" being internally recited by the second, truly believed, the slap in the face, icy grip of clarity, of reality blows it all away. I'm left with truth. The truth is... I'm not getting out of prison, never will have a "normal "life again, well you get the picture, the nevers go on for quite a while, a perpetual list of will nots, cannots, nevers. But what hit me hardest for the first time, is just how empty and pointless my life, my existence is, once the fog and mist is blown away. Truthfully there is no more purpose for me (if there ever was) anymore. Look... I'm not being "poor me, I can't go on" emotional Dr. Phil shit here; I'm talking cold, hard facts and logic. Although the emotional part came up in the process of coming to this conclusion, but I'll get to that later.
4:15am
Lets start with me being in prison, for the rest of my life. I serve no purpose being here. I'm not helping other inmates in anyway, the tax payers have to pay to have me sit here and od nothing productive for society, I'm an emotional burdon on the people who still care for me. At the best ruining their day and thoughts as I pop into their mind and they think, poor so-in-so, how did this happen, why is this happening, etc... At the worst I add a sense of guilty obligation and forced emotional responses like "I really should write him", "I really should visit him", etc...
No purpose or psitive vibes helping those people, coming from me, nothing, just mental, emotional, physical and financial burdons. In fact, in the case of my family, it's even worse. The family is divided with hostility, animosity and pain. Sister against sister, Aunts again cousins, even my own children against the rest of the family. I'm the bogus variable fucking up the equation. I'm a dirty remainder that's holding everybody, holding the equation back. Well, some people will respond and say the equation won't be fixed until the truth comes out, wrongs are righted, things are put back to what they were. But that is exactly my point people! That's part of the mist, the fog, the inmate and now your delusion. The equation has already been written out, the damage is done, there is no going back to "normal."
4:30am
The only way "to deal" with the equation now is to address the remainder. When doing long division and you've got that remainder hanging out there and the teacher wants an answer that's neat and tidy with no remainder, you've got two options. One is to lop it off and give the whole number answer and the other is to either round up or down. But in both the remainder is eliminated. I don't want to be eliminated. Like I said, the false hope and wishing is there, I'm an inmate (remainder), I have the inmate's delusions. So I cried, I bawled, I prayed for God to push these thoughts from my head, asked Him to at least give me a glimpse of His plan for me and was answered or at least the only thing that popped in my head over and over is the analogy I gave you above! So what now? I'll keep doing what I have been doing. Praying, meditating, writing about everything that comes up. Trying to figure out what to do with the remainder, searching for another possible answer, maybe. For now, I'm going back to sleep and pray I don 't have any more dreams. I rather have dreamless coma sleep than false hope delusional dream sleep. Good-night.
5:30pm
Erin visited today. My friend, my guardian angel. I spoke to her about my thoughts and the conclusion I came to. I explained every detail to her. This angel, this voice of God. Her glaring honesty, her precise addressing of the issue didn't so much convince me that I've gotten it all wrong as to more like shed light on where the thoughts come from to begin with and offering a counter-equation of more prayer, reflection and thought on the subject. There were times during the conversation looking into each other's eyes that I wanted to ask "who are you", "what are you ", "who is speaking to me." It gave me shivers and brought tears to my eyes. I break down more in front of Erin, than anyone else in my entire life. I say things and let the facade drop when I am alone in her presence. Her will, her angelic light, her sword penetrates all separates the chaff from the wheat. She is truly in God and I am humbled by her and love her very deeply. I have no words to express the gratitude I have for her being in my life. As much comfort as she gave me today and the help she provided, God's will, my purpose is still hidden and I'm still not sure the remainder should be dealt with.
10:30pm
End of the day. Going to watch my anime shows maybe that will distract me. I've been having anxiety most of the night.

4/24/2008

I've had a headache for the past 4 days straight. The intensity varies but it's always there. So I went to health services and got the same response of get more sleep (I sleep almost all the time when not working), drink more water and buy some Tylenol and ibuprofen off the commissary. Strike one.
Then the request I sent in to see the shrink 3 weeks ago finally got answered and I got to talk to the new counselor (rumored to actually listen and care) only to be handed journaling paperwork and a time sheet of what I do and how I feel throughout the day. Then she told me to come back in two weeks. Strike two.
To top it all off, a guy that used to do my job in the chapel is back in prison (mister popularity, if you can believe that around here) and is gunning to get his job back, so I'll have to watch my back with everything Set-ups are not uncommon around here. Strike three.
Not a good day, with the headache, depression and paranoia.

4/20/2008

A lot of day dreaming today. False hopes that are equally beautiful and painful. Two day dreams really, both of places I would like to live. One, a cabin in the woods, bare necessities. The other one is living on a house boat or whatever they're called when you can go out to sea and come and dock when you need to. Both of the dreams I'm alone, quiet is the norm and alone. Pure bliss. Nothing but ringing silence, the essentials and God. I'm a cave dweller at heart, I think. So after the daydreams I looked up alone in my concordance and found nothing, also nothing out of solitude. But under "quiet" I found 1... Thessalonian 4:11-12. He has spoken to me so often and clearly the last few days, it's scary. At least it would be if it didn't always bring me peace and reassuring warmth. People are goig to think me crazy, don't care.

4/19/2008

This week went fast. Scary fast. I guess the days, weeks, years seem to run together when you do the same thing day in and day out. Spoke to my brother a few days ago. I've been replaying some of the conversation I had with my mother when she was here last week. She said something about certain relatives of mine who want to visit or write me. I think that is about the cruelest thing a person could do to my mother. Pay her kindness and warmth when she visits, make her promises and give her false hopes that they care about me. Lip service is just a fancy word for lying. The relatives and friends that have written, or spoken with me and given true comfort to my brother, mother and father are truly walking the path. Anyone doing the other is just causing more harm than good. It doesn't do so much harm to me because I'm used to it. I see the pain on people's face everyday. I hear the cries every night. The wives leaving, the parents abandoning, the friends and family members who write off the inmate. You want to find out who really loves you, really cares? Go to prison, you find out fast. But like I said it doesn't really bother me, I think it is doubly cruel to string along others that still have hope like my mother and brother. I'm not talking about people who give general comfort to them that I don't know. I'm talking about my own flesh and blood relatives that give lip service and comfort only when she visits and the go back to living their "Christian" lives. I know better Christians here in prison, I see better examples of living like Christ for God than I see in my own family. So I would only ask them to stop and leave them with examples of some scripture. I don't need to name them, they know who they are.

Psalm 26:4-5;
Mathew 23:28;
Peter 2:1;
Luke 6:42

I do not judge them, for who am I to judge anyone. I pray and weep and am truly frightened for them. I rejoice and praise God in thanks to the inmate who has confessed and reported and walks the true path in both word and deed. I read and reread Matthew 7:15-23 and weep for those that walk that path for they are truly lost and think they are saved.

4/13/2008

Mom and aunt visited today. It was good to see them. Mom said she's going to visit more tomorrow. Well, not much else going on.

4/10/2008

Not much going on here. Got some late snow today. Mom was supposed to come visit but I don't know if she'll make it now. My Mala/prayer beads arrived a couple of days ago. They are made of onyx and has a black tassel. There are 27 beads and the Buddha bead holding the tassel. Here are soma haiku I've written since getting them.

Prayer Beads In My Hand
Compassion Mantra on Lips or (Compassion Mantra in Mind)
The tassle Keeps Count

Clicking Black Prayer Beads
Gentle Caress of Tassle
Only Loving Touch

4/2/08

Saw in the paper that my ex-sister-in-law has been in a car crash. I hope she is O.K. I am sending her a card. I have to send it to my now ex-wife. I've written her before but never get a response. I hope she (ex-in-law) gets it. I still very much care for the entire family.

4/1/2008

It has been the most busiest lazy days the last two days. I'm supposed to be extremely part time this week so I can watch the Battlestar Glactica marathon before Season 4 starts. My boss was gracious enough to let me work just the evenings and catch on the show 7am - 4pm. As long as I get everything done, of course. Well Monday the satellite was out for 2 hours, so I missed two episodes there and then today was my turn to get my cell repainted which knocked out about 3 hours. Oh the plus side I received some money from family and friends, so I bought some Mala/prayer beads and some aroma therapy oils and I ordered a 9" fan to get ready for summer. I am eternally grateful for the money so I can have some luxuries here and believe me those are luxuries. I also received the first lesson in Buddhist Studies from Asian Classic Institute. I'm not going to start it yet but I will put it in the chapel so others can take the course, after I make myself a copy of course. My divorce paper came yesterday, I am now officially divorced for the second time. I knew it was coming but it still hurts deeply. I really don't blame her or harbor any ill will toward her, I just miss her and still do love her. And of course there is my son, who I can't even express how I miss him. Other than those obvious feelings, nothing else has changed. Later.

True Colors Guaranteed (random thoughts)

Elvis had TCB, my motto is TCG. It might not be pretty, people might not like it. But i have all the time in the world and not much to lose. I know what I am and what I'm not. For example, I know I wanted this to be a structured flowing poem but now I know it is free flowing gibberish essay. I'm motivated by too much coffee and getting to listen to Nirvana's entire Nevermind album. It's one of those albums that came out exactly at the right time in my life that I ate it up and breathed it in like oxygen. If I had been in the 60's and a girl I would have been crying and screaming like those Beatles fans you see on old T.V. footage. It doesn't really have that effect on me anymore, other to whisk my mind away down memory lane. I'm not sharing those memories right now, they're mind and I'm feeling possessive. TCG, I still prefer Heavy Metal and hard emotional rock to any other music. TCG, the more I meditate, pray and reflect, the less fluffy hippy lovey-dovey it gets. I can just as easily reach inside and touch a dark, devoid of all light, center in me just as easily as touch the divine, hopeful, love light side of me. To tell you the truth, I think there is more dark in me than light, but I'm trying to remedy that. If there is a such a thing as a remedy.

TCG, I want to be cremated instead of buried, only because I have a fear of being confined and I see that fear growing the longer I stay in prison. TCG, I think about my death everyday. It's usually in a different light as the day goes on. In the morning when I wake up it is usually an angry hostile reaction to my dreams (which are never of prison) being interrupted only to find myself still here and not having peacefully "passed on" in my sleep. Then it turns reflective wondering if today is the day my mind finally snaps and I "hang it up" (that's prison slang for suicide) or if I pissed someone off enough to have them kill me or if it is my time to go by falling down the stairs. Mind you this is 99% of the time my thought process between waking up, eating breakfast, and getting ready for work and the rest of my day. So an hour and half, max. everyday. TCG, I'm so busy with my job and other daily activities, I forget all about the whole subject till about final count around 9:00pm. Then it's back to my cell and the process starts again, but different. The death thinking usually turns more melancholy. It is not so much my suffering (poor me, I can't go on like this) attitude as it is a "my poor family" they would be better off when I'm gone. It would be a joyous occasion for the people who put me here and a relief for the rest of the family and friends.

I'm like a splinter under your fingernail. It (I) hurt like a son-of-a-bitch going in ("crime", trial, prison sentence), a constant throbbing pain while still in the finger (support, money, encouragement, failed appeal) still having to deal with me in prison, but one sharp pull and the splinter comes out. Sure it hurts more for a second or two, but after that it is relief, a sense of "ahh, that's better" I'm glad that splinter is out of there. TCG, my family and friends will probably freak-out reading this, but not to worry, I Can't "hang it up" for 3 reasons.

1. Fear, I'm a chicken-shit, I don't think I could literally do it.
2. My faith in God tells me that it is a sin and that all trials and suffering is God's will, so there must be a reason for all this.
3. Karma, there is no escaping really.

While this life has been shitty, the next will be even worse if I added the negative karma of ending my own life. So fear not all you splinter ridden readers, I'm not going anywhere until God grants it, which brings my thought process full circle with waking up angry that I woke up again, period. And so goes my thought process. TCG, round and round. It's so much a part of my life (no pun intended) like breathing or routine like brushing your teeth that I don't even feel abnormal thinking it anymore. Well, I'll try to continue on a lighter note, next time. The coffee is wearing off and I'm getting tired. Time to sleep and start the cycle over again, hopefully not. Good night.

3/6/2008

Restless, anxious can't sleep. Too much coffee at too late an hour or maybe the spicy food around 9:00pm. Decided to listen to the radio which I don't do that often anymore. I was listening to the local Hard Rock and Heavy Metal station and discovered something. The "old" familiar dark metal songs seem to be different. What once was edgy or "dark" on a rebellious "cool" level is now much darker. I think I can touch a much deeper darker place in myself and imagination when listening to lyrics of death, depression, rage, or whatever. I guess the dark violent murderous lyrics in Heavy Metal takes on an all new twist when you live with violence and among murderers. I've eaten meals and had surreal conversations with people who have acted out that rage in a intimate way and believe me, it is NOTHING like a heavy pop-metal song by Korn or Static X. But no other music fits my mood lately. Classical, jazz or oldies are turned quickly and pop and rap are never even turned to. I just feel so weighted down. Walking the narrow path, helping others when I can either through encouragement, or just listening is exhausting. Just waking up in the morning and holding my head up to make it through another day is like running a marathon. And at every literal turn of the head is drugs, violence, hustling, sex, harassment from inmates and officers. It's like having an ever tightening closing force field closing in on your and no matter what it is, you lock your legs and prop yourself up and push against it, it still shrinks. It would be such an easier life if I just turned convict. Start a hustle, smoke, drink, drugs, violence, join the local white gang, start running the tier like the lifer I am. But I just can't bring myself to it. I think maybe I'm going crazy or maybe that's wishful thinking also. I guess I'm just hanging on to that little ray of hope. I am comforted by knowing I'm not alone in my suffering, my family suffers, my friends suffer, even the inmates around me suffer. I'm comforted in knowing the God is still with me. But I also know that I don't have the mental or emotional strength to do 10, 15, 25, 30 years in here. Christ in heaven! As I reread what I've written, I'm so ashamed of how self-centered I am. I'm gonna shut-up now.

12:30 PM
Lying awake, thinking, meditating, when the word groan bubbles up over and over and I start crying. I look it up in my bible dictionary and concordance and am pointed to this: Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Don't tell me God doesn't speak to us! Thank you Abboy. Amen!

3/5/2008

Doing some theology study since there hasn't been a class in two weeks due to illness. It was going great and I finished a section on the different aspects of God's goodness (mercy, grace, long suffering, etc). Anyway, I started to daydream (which happens a lot) about Ghost Hunters (sci-fi show), mediums, psychics and what not. What are the point of these people? I mean really?! So they "ghost hunters" catch a voice on tape or a thermal image, so the medium commons with the dead, so the psychic can describe the after life. So what?! What is the ends? High-five to you for confirming there is an after-life, spirits, or whatever. Since the dawn of man, they have been saying the same thing, cave painting, ancient scripture of ALL religions. My question is so what are you going to DO with that confirmed "knowledge". Are the ghost hunters telling you how to live better so you don't have to be "trapped" here after death? Are they really revealing anything? NO! The medium that talks with deal loved ones, they accomplish nothing except maybe where grandpa buried the family fortune! The psychics that tell you about past lives or what the after life looks like. What!? How does that info help? People seem to be so concerned about proving, validating, and confirming that there is a life after this one that they forget to concentrate on this life, here, now. A motivated person would take their confirmation, and with their eased doubts set out to live by whatever moral code or religion they believe in to make sure they have the best possible next life, whether in heaven, next rebirth, or whatever. Instead, most just hop from book to book, show to show, confirmation to confirmation, doing nothing but spouting off about what they read or saw to try to confirm someone else. Just a random rant and thought. I'm just as guilty as everyone else, after all.

I watched the Ghost Hunters show and own got spiritual books. Like they say "Don't just sit there, do something." Or in my case and beliefs of Zen/Christian contemplation, "Don't just do something, sit there." Which reminds me, I finished reading Living Zen, Loving God and found it fascinating. I'm re-reading it again and highlighting parts that speak to me. Habito, the author, showed me it is possible to still practice Zen and study Buddhist scriptures and be a devout Christian at the same time. Both are separate and neither subtracts from the other. Beautiful. Back to theology. Later.

3/4/2008

The weirdness continues. Some native dude stopped by my cell while I was watching TV and struck up a conversation. Never even spoke to him before. He talked for a half an hour! I wrote my wife today and sent a b-day card to my son. I didn't sign it. Hopefully that way he will still get it. I sure miss them both. I wrote grandma and [my aunt] also.

3/2/2008

Good TV tonight. watched the movie Doom, which I've never seen. The two hours of dark twisted drama. Dexter and Breaking Bad. This upcoming week is going to suck. I have to do inmate pictures again. The job of doing it isn't so bad except that the dudes in here complain, bitch and wine all the time. I've got to learn to let it go. There are too many clouds in my blue sky. Got a lot of reading done this weekend. Read both BuddhaDharma and Tricycle Spring 2008 issues cover to cover. Finished reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind and the next two chapters in Living Zen, Loving God. I wish I had a fast forward button. Jump to an appeal working, the truth being told and getting out of here, heart attack, brain tumor, death. Just hurry up already. Hard to look forward to the next day when there isn't anything positive to look forward to. Friends leaving, family members moving on, both hurt equally. Twice the suffering. Once when they leave, once knowing I'm just being selfish wanting them to stay. It's hard when all you have left to look forward to is either death, heaven or rebirth. It's even harder when you can't do anything but wait for it. I appreciate the support and love I still receive, but I don't pretend to believe that eventually that will go away. Talk to any lifer in here, they'll tell you eventually it trickles away and stops. I'm not bitter about it, I know people eventually have to move on and live their own lives.

2/29/2008

As I turn inward, things bubble up. Memories, things remembered. Nothing traumatic ... yet. I'm doing some sort of meditation as a child. I know that now, not then. Sitting in the car staring out the back seat window. My eyes are focused but not following any thing that is going by. I watch it (the window) like a television, just letting things float and glide in and out of the frame. Never lingering on what I saw never "attaching" myself to it, never wondering or anticipating the next thing. Just letting things arise, glide past, and disappear. It plays in my head often. The other memories I have are weirder, premonitions and wishes, that I don't care to discuss right now. First because no one would believe me and second, they're hazier memories than my child window meditation, so until they come into sharper focus and I remember them completely, I'll wait. I've felt so weird this week. Not depressed or anxious or happy, just weird. It feels like I'm on the edge of a gray neutral alert, watchful awareness and anticipation that something is going to happen. I don't have the faintest clue what. Crashing depression, breakthrough joy and peace, death, enlightenment, don't know, maybe nothing, maybe just a really good bowel movement! Ha! Weird week, someone brought me ice cream today. Had extra money and decided to share. It was good. Weird.

I Still Believe...

Even when I search for Him and can't see or find Him.
He is beside me, comforting me, holding me.

Even when straining my ears listening for Him, waiting, hearing nothing.
He speaks to me, guides me, lulls and sings to me.

Even when I'm cursing, raving, crying, questioning and doubting.
He is listening, agreeing, disagreeing, sympathizing, empathizing with patience and love.

Even when I stumble and stray from His narrow path. Sometimes clumsily ignorant, sometimes defiantly running.
He puts me back on His path. Sometimes with a gentle hand, sometimes with a painful shove.

Even w hen I sit in the dark, frightened and in despair.
His light spot lights me, warming me, loving me and lighting my way.

Even when I fail and fall over and over.
His Grace lifts me over and over.

Even when His children are struggling and suffering.
I still believe He laughs with joy more than He cries in sorrow.

2/26/2008 9:00 PM

Holy crap! Some super disrespectful CO's working tonight. Screaming, threatening, calling demeaning names, the whole works. Makes things that much more worse around here for both the inmates and the CO's. Friction and backlash hostility all around tonight. And it could all be avoided with the still the job being done if done with more tact and respect. Bizzaro world!

2/24/2008 10:00 PM

What do you do? Can you do? When you feel the need to express yourself, but you have no way, no talent to do so accurately? No artistic ability, no music ability, no writing ability to express anything. Generic words, bad handwriting, emotional paralysis. There is no way to accurately express my joy of seeing my mother this weekend or having her tell me about my son. Or the weird combination of heart felt happiness, relief, gut twisting grief, hurt, betrayal, and chest-crushing heart-ache longing, remembrance, hearing how my wife soon to be ex-wife is doing fine, moving on, even thriving. Not that I wouldn't think she would, could or should, it's just.... Shit! I don't know. Emotional Paralysis. There isn't anyway to express the excitement and suspended reality of having both my friends visit only to have the mud hold sucking gap of the smelly noisy negative demon ridden prison not only welcome me back but with enthusiasm. Not that I don't appreciate the little I have. Others here have nothing. I have God's Grace and miracles shining down on my family, friends, letters, books, good job, etc. But this ever present darkness, funky stink, weighty pressure of depression is exhausting. In fact I'm not even sure if it IS depression or just the natural environment and "punishing" atmosphere of prison. I don't know what would be more terrifying to me: 1. Getting actual help for my "depression" only to discover that weight never lifts and it is the prison or 2. To have the weight and feeling lifted so I have a "normal" feeling and energy while in this place. I mean really. Think on that it is a n win situation. Either you feel exhausted, spacey, funky, heavy weight always on you OR you feel normal, have energy, laugh and adapt well, soak in to the prison system living without hope but not really caring because damn it your a con now. I see it all the time. Inmates happy-go-lucky, jumping out of bed full of piss and viegar, ready for breakfast, ready to lift and exercise at rec, ready to work, ready to hustle drugs, sex, crafts, whatever. Ready to fight at a drop of a hat. Ready to steal, con, lie or do anything to make their life "better" here. I mean they really don't sedem to mind or care that they're here. I've only been here a year and I've seen people violate parole and come back, and to high fives, back slaps, fist pounding and even hugs from other inmates welcoming them back! I daydream and talk about getting out but it's all a pipe dream really. Everything I've ever known is gone, everything I ever was or thought I wanted to be is gone. I have day dreams of being let out of here (so sorry #48018, the stat made a mistake, here's your life back) returning home to forgiving, loving wife wrapping her arms joyfully around me, my song leaping into my arms with joyful squeakings of daddy, daddy. Of getting my job back, friends, peers, co-workers, slapping me on the back with chimes of "I always knew you were innocent, I never stopped believing in you." Like that Lou Reed song goes "... and I guess that I just don't know." It's some kinda madness though to repeat this process over and over. There are times I think I'm insane and times I wish I were insane so I would even know or care where I am. That scene from "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" comes to mind. The one at the end where Jack Nicholson is finally lobotomized and blissfully unaware of anything. Ahh... heaven. Well I've rambled enough. going to read some fantasy novel series by Richard Goodkind called "The Sword of Truth" series. I'm on the second book. They're good so far, they suspend my reality for a while. As I finish off this entry my thoughts and love go out to all my family and friends who still stand by me and give me comfort.

2/22/2008 11:00 AM

Lunch break. I got about 1/2 hour till I have to go back to work. Things have been scary crazy here. I've been really sick for the last four days; today is the first day of feeling better but not good by far. It started with terrible body aches and headache and progressed into a packed tight stuffed up head and then migrated to the chest. Now its a little of everything but not as acute. The whole cell hall has some form of it or another. One inmate has influenza A, one TB, one a staff infection. They are quarantining them during showers and meals but they still live in the general population so I don't see how that helps. It's a new low for me. To feel this physically bad and be locked up and to get no treatment is torture. If this would have hit me during my darker depressions (which I haven't had in quite a while) it probably would have pushed me over the edge. It's like living in bizzaro land. The administration is doing nothing to prevent the spread or really to contain it. The staff is just as sick and keeps coming to work, walking around coughing and touching every body's cell door. The inmates (most of them) are too uneducated to realize not to cough or sneeze open mouthed into the air, or washes their hands. The inmates are not allowed any bleach to wash their cells, floors, walls, etc. So this place is just a big petri dish. Like I said, surreal. If it was the zombie virus movie, we'd all be walking dead by now! Ha! Yea! Prison! I guess it's on the outside too. But they can get treatment.

2/16/2008

Busy week. Special chapel activities so work has kept me busy, plus the next photo time for inmates is coming up so that will add to the business. Got a couple more books in the mail. One is from a place I wrote to long ago called the Foundation for Inner Peace the other was from my mom. Yea! She must have sent a card and letter too but it was denied because there were Polaroid pictures with it and the prison won't let you have Polaroid pictures. So it's been a frustrating week. I need to find out what my account balance is, because they screwed up $50 my brother sent a little while ago then another $25 came in and my payday is Monday, which is another $49. God! This place sucks enough without having to deal with incompetent staff, not only that but they're arrogant on top of it! They couldn't have possibly made a mistake, and what would I know of it? I'm just an inmate. Lord give me patience. On the positive side, I got a letter from my dharma pen-pal, Heather. It's always good to hear back from her, she is very encouraging to me and lightens my heart. I'm going to write her back and then write my brother. I am going to include her (Heather) letters to me on the blog. They will sound a little one-sided but I think people will get the gist of them and what I wrote to her, plus I hope they will help others who read them.

Hey bro!

[His letter to me...]

I know our letters crossed in the mail, so I'll write again. It's been a frustrating month so far because of all the administration screw ups and mail denials. I'll wait to hear from [1 aunt], [2 aunt] or you about where to send the denied book and please tell mom (and everybody else) that Polaroid pictures aren't allowed. Here is a list of other things I can't have; I am writing the mail room/property office rejection notice verbatim so you might want to pass it along or post it. (God! what a pain in the ass this place is!)

Rejected because:

1. The item contained contraband or encoded material as described above. This includes any information regarding planning or promoting criminal activities.


2. The item violates a Prohibited Act or any other rule, regulation or directive governing the DOC or [state]SP, MDSP, [state]WP as described above.


3. The item contains instructions for the manufacture or use of a weapon, explosive, drugs, drug paraphernalia, or alcoholic beverage as described above.


4. The item advocates violence or may cause violence or other serious disruption of the security or disciplined operation of the institution as described above.


5. The item depicts nudity or encourages sexual behavior which is minimal in nature and/or may be detrimental to your rehabilitation as described above. Included in this category are nude personal photographs, writings, illustrations or pictures depicting child pornography, male homosexuality, bestiality or act of sexual violence.


6. No address of sender


7. The item contained postage stamps, plain or stamped envelopes, stickers, maps, calendars, Polaroid photos, unused postcards, more than four(4) small newspaper clippings, (4) sheets of misc. photo copied materials such as Internet, homemade craft items or pictures of ex-staff members, altered photos of any kind. (the specific item is noted above)


8. Other: __________________

Well that's the notice I get. Well no much else to say. Please post the letters I get form Heather,at Liberation Prison Project. She's awesome and great comfort to me. Thank you so much for the money, I'll call mom and thank her also. Hold off on sending more until I get the paperwork mess straightened out here. I love you bro, and appreciate all the time and money your investing in my bum ass. I'll talk to you soon.

-Love, prayers, dedicated merit to you
[brother]

2/13/2008 time?

Time? Don't know. Been sitting, reflecting. I think it's officially 2/14, but I'm too lazy to walk 2 feet to look at the time on my radio. Painful reflecting and then a tiny voice telling me to write it out. Valentines day, remembering my 2nd wife, soon to be ex-wife. Chest crushing, gut turning regret. Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all, blah, blah, blah. Cliche, overused, but bitterly, painfully true, though I realize it too late. Thinking about her smile, her laugh, her smell. The way her hair used to cascade around my face when she was leaning over to kiss me. Hair so thick and beautiful no light could penetrate the private veiled universe of just her face and mine, sharing the same breath, her scent dulling all my senses. Hair so thick that when I would run my fingers through it my short sausage fingers wouldn't/couldn't poke out the other side! :-) Remembering how she stood by my side through all my faults, all my crap, always forgiving, always. I think she must have given me 1001 chances to make things better/right. If ow only there would be, could be 1002. She'll say that I just want what I can't have, that i never really loved her, that it is prison loneliness speaking. While the prison loneliness makes my hindsight mistakes and longing more painfully acute, know this: I will always lover her and will always regard her as my true love, the only persona I actually fell in love with. What she was to me, I hope and pray she will be to others in the future. I wish for only her happiness and to have that amazing love returned to her. She deserves it.

2/12/2008

Well there is no point in fighting for the book that was denied. I've asked arond including inmates and staff and they will deny any book with any kind of "nudity" ... nipple showing, no go, medical journal, nope, fantasy/sci-fi books, no way and of course no my art book. Bummer. I'll send it back to someone, I just don't know who yet. I got 60 days to decide. On the bright side today, I got a late b-day card and my first issue of Tricycle magazine, yeah! Well thats about it. Slow day today and tomorrow. I'm taking the opportunity to listen to some dharma/meditation talks we (the chapel) recently got. Like the Buddha said "the dharma is lovely." Its weird I can't imagine my life without the Buddha's or Jesus' teachings. Without the centering and relaxing meditation I would be lost. Without my faith in God and prayers to Jesus I would be equally lost. I wonder if there are others out there who put stock in both. Christians with appreciation for Buddhist meditation and teachings or Buddhists who think/know the Jesus was the son of God and rose again. I really don't see why you "have" to chose one. Just a thought. Later.

2/11/2008

11:00 AM
Pastor came through with 2 Guitar for beginners books. Now there really is no excuse not to learn except my own laziness. Just got done writing my dad back. I haven't written anyone else yet. I'm waiting for a book from my two aunts before I write them, so I can tell them it arrived O.K. and say thank you. NOt much else going on. I went to the doctor for an eye infection but it's gone now. Tie to go back to work. Later.

4:00 PM
Disappointment and anger. The book my aunts tried to send me was rejected because "The item depicts nudity or encourages sexual behavior which is criminal in nature and/or may be detrimental your rehabilitation as described above. Included in this category are nude personal photographs, writings, illustrations or pictures depicting child pornography, male homosexuality, bestiality or acts of sexual violence. " Ridiculous considering I found the book in a spiritual catalog. I'm not giving up yet. I have 60 days to appeal and convince them to give me the book. Let the triple copy paper work begin!

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 2-10-2008

First let me begin by apologizing for not returning your letter much sooner. I have not been well for a few weeks and haven't been up to doing much. So I hope you have been managing ok and have been able to practice some patience for my response.
It makes me happy to see how much you involve yourself in different positions within the prison. I think this can only benefit you and those you come hi contact with. What drew you to the position of orderly in the chapel?
I had some more thoughts I would like to share with you on depression and your practice. When you meditate are you aware of your own awareness? Let me explain what I mean by this. For instance, suppose you are thinking about getting ready for your duties as the orderly for the chapel. Can you be aware of those thoughts but not "be" those thoughts. In other words you notice them. You observe how your mind creates thoughts and stories. But all the while there is an awareness of this. If you can practice developing this sense of awareness, then I think you may be able to bring it to your depression with some success.
So this is what I would suggest practicing if you are able. When you are depressed be depressed. Don't try and get rid of it. Don't ignore it, or engage in angry thoughts. Don't get swept away with hopeless or helplessness. But allow each and every one of those things to be present. This is the practice of non-attachment. It means not clinging and it means not pushing away or trying to get rid of. This is necessary because to do anything else is just to suffer. To be attached is to suffer. So it might seem like if you are allowing waves of depression, and hopelessness to be present that you will suffer more. But if you bring your "awareness' to these feelings then this won't be true. Instead you might experience a sense of freedom- by focusing on your awareness. If you identify with that which is aware of your experience of these feelings and emotions then it is impossible to BE these feelings and emotions because you are being the awareness. The awareness isn't hopeless. The awareness isn't depressed. The awareness isn't sad. It is simply aware. Like a clear sky. Your depression and all the thoughts and feelings that come with it are just like dark clouds passing by. So practice being the sky sky behind the clouds. Let me know how this works for you!!
Thank you too for sending me a picture of yourself and for the wonderful Christmas card. It brightened my spirits.

Heather

With Loving Kindness,
Please write again soon, and I will not be so long in returning our correspondence this time!

2/7/2008

It's been a while since I've written anything, but I thought I better touch base. There has been plenty of things happening, but I just haven't felt like writing, you know? January came and went in a flash. Got some books in the mail, How to Draw books, Dharma book and a Anime/Manga BIble. Superbowl was alright, my team didn't make it so I really didn't care who won, it sure was noisy in here though. I sent off drawing to both Erin and my Grandma. Erin visited and sent me a B-day card and I got a letter from Grandma saying she liked the picture. Erin like hers also. Got some B0day cards and visits on my B-dauy weekend, it's just really not a big deal in here as it is on the outside. One of my co-workers got fired from the Chapel for taking stuff that didn't belong to him, no big loss he only worked 3 hours a day and even then he didn't DO anything. I have a guitar in my room now and pastor Steve is looking for some starter books for me. I really don't have time to learn right now, as crazy as that sounds, I'm busy reading and doing theology class, learning to draw and meditation. Went to the nurse this morning for some rash on the top of my foot and an eye infection. Haven't heard anything back from them yet. That's about it on this end. I need to write Dad, Mom, Grandma, Cynthia, Bonnie. Whew! Later.

WISH LIST 1/20/2008

Remember, paperback only! I'll cross off items as he's received them and notified me.

Title	Author
Beasts! How to Draw Fantastic Predators	Steve Miller
Buddha: A Tale of Enlightenment #1	Deepak Chopra
Cartoonist's Big Book of Drawing Animals	Christopher Hart
Choke	Chuck Palahnuik
Dark Tower: The Long Road Home #1 (Graphic Novel)	Robin Furth
The Diamond Sutra	Mu Soeng
Diary	Chuck Palahnuik
Essence of the Heart Sutra	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Fight Club	Chuck Palahnuik
The Good Heart	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Healing Breath: Zen for Christians and Buddhists	Ruben L.F. Habito
Into the Silent Land	Martin Laird
Invisible Monsters	Chuck Palahnuik
Living Zen, Living God	Ruben L.F. Habito
Logan #1 (Graphic Novel)	Brian Vaughan
The Meaning of Life	H. H. The Dalai Lama
Mindfulness Yoga	Frank Jude Boccio
Moon in a Dewdrop: Writings of Zen Master Dogen	Eihei Dogen
Our Dumb World	Onion Staff
Prayer of Heart and Body	Thomas Ryan
Repo (Graphic Novel)	Rick Spears
Robot Vol. 5 (Graphic Novel)	various
Sacred Mirrors: Alex Grey	Alex Grey
Subscription: Popular Science	-
Survivor	Chuck Palahnuik
The Blooming of a Lotus	Thich Nhat Hanh
The Pillars of the Earth	Ken Follet
Thesaurus	-
Transfigurations: Alex Grey	Alex Grey
Vengence of Vampirella (Graphic Novel)	Phil Hester
Young Liars #1 (Graphic Novel)	David Lapham
Zen and the Kingdom of Heaven	Tom Chetwynd
The Zen Path Through Depression	Judith Costello