10/8/2007

Well I told myself that this journal would be honest and bullshit free. About 30 minutes ago I had what I can only assume is an anxiety or panic attack. I don't have them often. They only seem to come when I strip away the distractions of reading, TV, or the literally 100 other things I use to keep my mind busy. I was looking at all the pictures I have when I started sweating and my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Bad cliche but accurate. Everything was accompanied by a twisting sinking knot in my stomach. Sort of like a cross of pre-vomit jitters and love sick nervousness. I couldn't breath and I wasn't completely dizzy but it felt like the start of dizziness, like being on one of those merry-go-rounds in parks for just a hair too long. It only lated 15 minutes or so but I still feel the stomach jitters. Like I said, they don't happen very often about once a week or so. Now I'm writing this while watching (and not paying attention to) Aniemonday of the Sci-Fi channel, but really just day dreaming, thinking what to write to Kirsty, composing it all in my head but to scared to actually put it on paper. God I'm a coward. Really. Cowards know they are cowards but can't seem to do anything about it. at least that's what i think. Paralyzing fear. God I'm so messed up. Nothing really exciting today. It's a holiday so there was Bingo, I didn't win anything. Went to Buddhist Study/Meditation group and didn't meditate just organized the library. Found a couple of books, that I check out. Not that I have enough (at last count 27!) to read. I'll get to them eventually. Nothing but time. Later.