How good to hear from you again! I was very pleased to learn that your cell status has been changed so that you no longer have the same worries as before. I am also happy to hear that the dharma group has been implementing the discussion time after meditation. I think that is so important to the group and to each of the individuals to have that opportunity to express and share their thoughts and experiences with each other. This is one of the most important ways the sangha can support each other.
Of course I am concerned with your scheduling conflict. I think it is positive that you are involved hi a number of different activities but I also think think the sangha could be a great support to you. (And you to them!) So I hope that your efforts to change the days are successful for all of you. Please keep me posted on this.
Ok- now to what I sense is the big issue for you right now. The depression and the difficulty you are having being able to bring yourself to the cushion. So I can suggest a couple of things. First, I would say don't try to force it. If its not working and you feel yourself resisting it then I would advise you to listen to that. Everything comes hi its time and when you are ready for it to. I think it is also important to be aware that sitting meditation creates a situation in which our awareness is drawn to those things that arise in our minds, that maybe we would rather not pay attention to, or try to avoid. If you are feeling depressed right now then sitting practice may be amplifying those feelings. I wonder if it would help if you were able to share what you are feeling depressed about. I understand that this might be difficult for a number of different reasons. But I can also assure you that if and when you are ready to do that I will listen to whatever you bring to me with compassion and without judgment.
I think it also may be helpful if you tried using a mantra during your practice. It would give you something to focus on and might help temper any negativity that does arise. I would suggest beginning with something like Om Mani Padme Hum. This is often referred to as the mantra of compassion. If you would like I could send you some more information about it For now you could just imagine sending out compassion to all living beings as well as yourself, while you recite it during your meditation.
I hope you enjoy the Mandala subscription. Let me know if you come across anything you find especially interesting.
Take Care of yourself. And try and be easy with your practice. Let me know how it goes.
With Loving Kindness,
Heather
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