10/6/2007

Good day today. Woke up refreshed and full of energy. Cleaned my whole cell with bleach. Mom came up to visit again this afternoon after visiting Kristy and Kaden. She says Kristy looks very good and has lost weight. Kaden was chatty as usual and told "grandma" all about Kindergarten. She says he lost a bottom tooth over at Bonnie's house, so now his two bottom teeth are missing. I miss him so much it literally hurts. It feels like an icicle stabbing through my solar plexus. Kristy has had a hysterectomy and her older sister is dying of cancer. So much pain and suffering she has endured these 2 years I've been locked up. I wish I wasn't such a complete asshole to her before being arrested. Those 4 months we were separated because first of the allegations and later because she didn't want to be with me anymore, were MORE painful to me than being in prison now. I took that hurt and just turned on her. Treating her like shit refusing to help pay the bills, our bills, absolutely no kind of support what-so-ever. The few times she visited me in county jail were awkward and a hassle because of a squirmy 2 year old /3 year old Kaden. She stopped coming and it crushed me. I haven't seen or heard from them directly since. Kristy has had to file for bankruptcy on top of everything else and mom says that she even had warrants out for her for outstanding bills. I feel so low and horrible that is all because of me. God please help me, I still love her and long to see her but how could I ever ask her to forgive me? The verbal or literal slap in the face would be well deserved, but I think it would be my undoing. Kristy told mom this visit (after mom took picture) that if I wanted pictures of Kaden and to be a part of his life that i needed to go through her (Kristy). I twas the most wonderful, hopeful, fearful, stab of emotion I have ever felt. Maybe, just maybe, I can still be a part of my songs life. I am so afraid. Afraid of what to say to Kirsty and afraid of what she will say back, but mostly afraid that she won't write back or respond in any way; that she only said that to get my mother off her back. God help me! The combo of hope and fear is too much, I can't stop weeping. Got to go.