10/31/2007 10:00pm

I was to have the day off today, with pay, but I went to work anyway. Quieter up in the chapel, did some organizing. Kept zoning out thinking about my kids, wondering what they are doing for Halloween, remembering the ones I got to spend with them. So few, but precious. I watched Pushing Daisies and Life tonight on TV. Both ended up making me weep. I don't even know why. It seems all my misery and suffering comes from me remembering the past and holding onto it. What a blessing it would be to wake up with amnesia. Not to remember who I am or anything. My suffering and pain is every cliche I can think of. It is tangible. It has weight, it crushes, it invades, penetrates every thought, every pore, it surrounds me like an aura. It smells, stinks like ammonia, sweat, shit, desperation. Every breath in is choking agony. Every breath out, strained pushing, fearful dread that I have to inhale again, and again. Sleep is the only escape. If only it could last. I'm going to try to get some relief.