4/26/2008

3:40am
Woke up with weird dreams. The worse kind, the ones that shine a big bright spotlight on how you truly feel and what you truly think and what you yearn and hope for. I literally woke up with my heart pounding and aching and my gut clenching and flip-flopping. And as I sat/lie there, thinking about everything in the dream, I came to the harsh brick wall of reality. I'm never going to have freedom again, never going to be part of my children's lives again, never going to experience true wholesome love for a woman, and if I do it is for the wrong person at the wrong time and will go unanswered or worse yet, laying it out there with "I truly deeply love and care for you" and her replying with "Um, yea, thanks." The relationships I have with the rest of my family is strained and hard at the best of times. Like I said, through the mist of delusion, (which I think every inmate clings to because what else is there) through the fog of hope and the constant mantra "I can have these things, my life is going to get better" being internally recited by the second, truly believed, the slap in the face, icy grip of clarity, of reality blows it all away. I'm left with truth. The truth is... I'm not getting out of prison, never will have a "normal "life again, well you get the picture, the nevers go on for quite a while, a perpetual list of will nots, cannots, nevers. But what hit me hardest for the first time, is just how empty and pointless my life, my existence is, once the fog and mist is blown away. Truthfully there is no more purpose for me (if there ever was) anymore. Look... I'm not being "poor me, I can't go on" emotional Dr. Phil shit here; I'm talking cold, hard facts and logic. Although the emotional part came up in the process of coming to this conclusion, but I'll get to that later.
4:15am
Lets start with me being in prison, for the rest of my life. I serve no purpose being here. I'm not helping other inmates in anyway, the tax payers have to pay to have me sit here and od nothing productive for society, I'm an emotional burdon on the people who still care for me. At the best ruining their day and thoughts as I pop into their mind and they think, poor so-in-so, how did this happen, why is this happening, etc... At the worst I add a sense of guilty obligation and forced emotional responses like "I really should write him", "I really should visit him", etc...
No purpose or psitive vibes helping those people, coming from me, nothing, just mental, emotional, physical and financial burdons. In fact, in the case of my family, it's even worse. The family is divided with hostility, animosity and pain. Sister against sister, Aunts again cousins, even my own children against the rest of the family. I'm the bogus variable fucking up the equation. I'm a dirty remainder that's holding everybody, holding the equation back. Well, some people will respond and say the equation won't be fixed until the truth comes out, wrongs are righted, things are put back to what they were. But that is exactly my point people! That's part of the mist, the fog, the inmate and now your delusion. The equation has already been written out, the damage is done, there is no going back to "normal."
4:30am
The only way "to deal" with the equation now is to address the remainder. When doing long division and you've got that remainder hanging out there and the teacher wants an answer that's neat and tidy with no remainder, you've got two options. One is to lop it off and give the whole number answer and the other is to either round up or down. But in both the remainder is eliminated. I don't want to be eliminated. Like I said, the false hope and wishing is there, I'm an inmate (remainder), I have the inmate's delusions. So I cried, I bawled, I prayed for God to push these thoughts from my head, asked Him to at least give me a glimpse of His plan for me and was answered or at least the only thing that popped in my head over and over is the analogy I gave you above! So what now? I'll keep doing what I have been doing. Praying, meditating, writing about everything that comes up. Trying to figure out what to do with the remainder, searching for another possible answer, maybe. For now, I'm going back to sleep and pray I don 't have any more dreams. I rather have dreamless coma sleep than false hope delusional dream sleep. Good-night.
5:30pm
Erin visited today. My friend, my guardian angel. I spoke to her about my thoughts and the conclusion I came to. I explained every detail to her. This angel, this voice of God. Her glaring honesty, her precise addressing of the issue didn't so much convince me that I've gotten it all wrong as to more like shed light on where the thoughts come from to begin with and offering a counter-equation of more prayer, reflection and thought on the subject. There were times during the conversation looking into each other's eyes that I wanted to ask "who are you", "what are you ", "who is speaking to me." It gave me shivers and brought tears to my eyes. I break down more in front of Erin, than anyone else in my entire life. I say things and let the facade drop when I am alone in her presence. Her will, her angelic light, her sword penetrates all separates the chaff from the wheat. She is truly in God and I am humbled by her and love her very deeply. I have no words to express the gratitude I have for her being in my life. As much comfort as she gave me today and the help she provided, God's will, my purpose is still hidden and I'm still not sure the remainder should be dealt with.
10:30pm
End of the day. Going to watch my anime shows maybe that will distract me. I've been having anxiety most of the night.