7/12/08

So many ups and downs in here. Actually...that's bullshit. It's more like constantly treading water just to keep your head above the line. That's a good day. It is exhausting and sometimes you feel like you're going to drown. Like today. There are some things you know are coming and yet when they do, you still feel like you've been impaled on a red hot spike. Like my sentencing, my divorce, and my friend "S" finally visit and good-bye. I say friend but there really isn't any words to describe who she is and what she has meant to me. My guardian angel, the one I confessed my long to end it all when all this shit first hit. The angel that can to this very day ask me the simple question, "How are you?" and when I give my generic answer of "I'm fine" will stare intently at me and say "No you are not, what's really going on?" I then get blurry-eyed from the pain she makes me face, the mask she sees right through, and the frustration I fell because I can never fool her. It is looking into those eyes that I've told her things and shared feelings that I would never, could never, tell anyone else. All those visits and support she gave me through my county time and my time here on the hill, when 95% of the rest of my family and friends won't visit or write, they all just vanished like smoke in a strong wind, she is my rock.

There is absolutely no one else closer to me, dearer to me on a spiritual level. She is my counselor, my prophets, my hope, and the only physical presence in my life that shines God's grace and mercy on me. I gaze into her eyes and I literally see God's love working in her and working through her. What a delight to have her in my life! A wonderful mother, a loving wife, a strong, smart, beautiful Christian woman; she embodies everything I dare to dream for if I ever get out of here. If I could find a woman just half as good as her, I would live the rest of my years in bliss. And now she is gone. Oh, she'll write, of that I'm sure, but it will never be the same. How do you thank the sun for the warmth and life it has brought to you? How do you properly praise the flower for bringing the only fragrance of live and hope you've felt in the last 3 years? She was my spiritual sounding board, my right hand in all things of God and I have been amputated.

I've been left empty, a void has been created, my thirst left unquenched. I will miss her painfully every day. My last time seeing her for who knows how long and I couldn't do anything but express my own selfish fears and worries about her leaving. I couldn't even tell her how I feel/felt about her and what she means/meant to me. I made several attempts only to get choked up and have tears run down my cheeks. It took all my strength not to blubber and weep all over her. Can't have that, gotta man up, there are inmates and guards watching, you know. I'll save it all till I am alone tonight. Thank you for everything "S". I love you tremendously and will miss absolutely everything about you.