First let me begin by apologizing for not returning your letter much sooner. I have not been well for a few weeks and haven't been up to doing much. So I hope you have been managing ok and have been able to practice some patience for my response.
It makes me happy to see how much you involve yourself in different positions within the prison. I think this can only benefit you and those you come hi contact with. What drew you to the position of orderly in the chapel?
I had some more thoughts I would like to share with you on depression and your practice. When you meditate are you aware of your own awareness? Let me explain what I mean by this. For instance, suppose you are thinking about getting ready for your duties as the orderly for the chapel. Can you be aware of those thoughts but not "be" those thoughts. In other words you notice them. You observe how your mind creates thoughts and stories. But all the while there is an awareness of this. If you can practice developing this sense of awareness, then I think you may be able to bring it to your depression with some success.
So this is what I would suggest practicing if you are able. When you are depressed be depressed. Don't try and get rid of it. Don't ignore it, or engage in angry thoughts. Don't get swept away with hopeless or helplessness. But allow each and every one of those things to be present. This is the practice of non-attachment. It means not clinging and it means not pushing away or trying to get rid of. This is necessary because to do anything else is just to suffer. To be attached is to suffer. So it might seem like if you are allowing waves of depression, and hopelessness to be present that you will suffer more. But if you bring your "awareness' to these feelings then this won't be true. Instead you might experience a sense of freedom- by focusing on your awareness. If you identify with that which is aware of your experience of these feelings and emotions then it is impossible to BE these feelings and emotions because you are being the awareness. The awareness isn't hopeless. The awareness isn't depressed. The awareness isn't sad. It is simply aware. Like a clear sky. Your depression and all the thoughts and feelings that come with it are just like dark clouds passing by. So practice being the sky sky behind the clouds. Let me know how this works for you!!
Thank you too for sending me a picture of yourself and for the wonderful Christmas card. It brightened my spirits.
Heather
With Loving Kindness,
Please write again soon, and I will not be so long in returning our correspondence this time!
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