True Colors Guaranteed (random thoughts)

Elvis had TCB, my motto is TCG. It might not be pretty, people might not like it. But i have all the time in the world and not much to lose. I know what I am and what I'm not. For example, I know I wanted this to be a structured flowing poem but now I know it is free flowing gibberish essay. I'm motivated by too much coffee and getting to listen to Nirvana's entire Nevermind album. It's one of those albums that came out exactly at the right time in my life that I ate it up and breathed it in like oxygen. If I had been in the 60's and a girl I would have been crying and screaming like those Beatles fans you see on old T.V. footage. It doesn't really have that effect on me anymore, other to whisk my mind away down memory lane. I'm not sharing those memories right now, they're mind and I'm feeling possessive. TCG, I still prefer Heavy Metal and hard emotional rock to any other music. TCG, the more I meditate, pray and reflect, the less fluffy hippy lovey-dovey it gets. I can just as easily reach inside and touch a dark, devoid of all light, center in me just as easily as touch the divine, hopeful, love light side of me. To tell you the truth, I think there is more dark in me than light, but I'm trying to remedy that. If there is a such a thing as a remedy.

TCG, I want to be cremated instead of buried, only because I have a fear of being confined and I see that fear growing the longer I stay in prison. TCG, I think about my death everyday. It's usually in a different light as the day goes on. In the morning when I wake up it is usually an angry hostile reaction to my dreams (which are never of prison) being interrupted only to find myself still here and not having peacefully "passed on" in my sleep. Then it turns reflective wondering if today is the day my mind finally snaps and I "hang it up" (that's prison slang for suicide) or if I pissed someone off enough to have them kill me or if it is my time to go by falling down the stairs. Mind you this is 99% of the time my thought process between waking up, eating breakfast, and getting ready for work and the rest of my day. So an hour and half, max. everyday. TCG, I'm so busy with my job and other daily activities, I forget all about the whole subject till about final count around 9:00pm. Then it's back to my cell and the process starts again, but different. The death thinking usually turns more melancholy. It is not so much my suffering (poor me, I can't go on like this) attitude as it is a "my poor family" they would be better off when I'm gone. It would be a joyous occasion for the people who put me here and a relief for the rest of the family and friends.

I'm like a splinter under your fingernail. It (I) hurt like a son-of-a-bitch going in ("crime", trial, prison sentence), a constant throbbing pain while still in the finger (support, money, encouragement, failed appeal) still having to deal with me in prison, but one sharp pull and the splinter comes out. Sure it hurts more for a second or two, but after that it is relief, a sense of "ahh, that's better" I'm glad that splinter is out of there. TCG, my family and friends will probably freak-out reading this, but not to worry, I Can't "hang it up" for 3 reasons.

1. Fear, I'm a chicken-shit, I don't think I could literally do it.
2. My faith in God tells me that it is a sin and that all trials and suffering is God's will, so there must be a reason for all this.
3. Karma, there is no escaping really.

While this life has been shitty, the next will be even worse if I added the negative karma of ending my own life. So fear not all you splinter ridden readers, I'm not going anywhere until God grants it, which brings my thought process full circle with waking up angry that I woke up again, period. And so goes my thought process. TCG, round and round. It's so much a part of my life (no pun intended) like breathing or routine like brushing your teeth that I don't even feel abnormal thinking it anymore. Well, I'll try to continue on a lighter note, next time. The coffee is wearing off and I'm getting tired. Time to sleep and start the cycle over again, hopefully not. Good night.