3/6/2008

Restless, anxious can't sleep. Too much coffee at too late an hour or maybe the spicy food around 9:00pm. Decided to listen to the radio which I don't do that often anymore. I was listening to the local Hard Rock and Heavy Metal station and discovered something. The "old" familiar dark metal songs seem to be different. What once was edgy or "dark" on a rebellious "cool" level is now much darker. I think I can touch a much deeper darker place in myself and imagination when listening to lyrics of death, depression, rage, or whatever. I guess the dark violent murderous lyrics in Heavy Metal takes on an all new twist when you live with violence and among murderers. I've eaten meals and had surreal conversations with people who have acted out that rage in a intimate way and believe me, it is NOTHING like a heavy pop-metal song by Korn or Static X. But no other music fits my mood lately. Classical, jazz or oldies are turned quickly and pop and rap are never even turned to. I just feel so weighted down. Walking the narrow path, helping others when I can either through encouragement, or just listening is exhausting. Just waking up in the morning and holding my head up to make it through another day is like running a marathon. And at every literal turn of the head is drugs, violence, hustling, sex, harassment from inmates and officers. It's like having an ever tightening closing force field closing in on your and no matter what it is, you lock your legs and prop yourself up and push against it, it still shrinks. It would be such an easier life if I just turned convict. Start a hustle, smoke, drink, drugs, violence, join the local white gang, start running the tier like the lifer I am. But I just can't bring myself to it. I think maybe I'm going crazy or maybe that's wishful thinking also. I guess I'm just hanging on to that little ray of hope. I am comforted by knowing I'm not alone in my suffering, my family suffers, my friends suffer, even the inmates around me suffer. I'm comforted in knowing the God is still with me. But I also know that I don't have the mental or emotional strength to do 10, 15, 25, 30 years in here. Christ in heaven! As I reread what I've written, I'm so ashamed of how self-centered I am. I'm gonna shut-up now.

12:30 PM
Lying awake, thinking, meditating, when the word groan bubbles up over and over and I start crying. I look it up in my bible dictionary and concordance and am pointed to this: Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Don't tell me God doesn't speak to us! Thank you Abboy. Amen!