1/3/2008

Tired but can't sleep. Too many sports games on = too much noise plus I'm restless anyway. Theology class seems to do that to me. It's mostly an intellectual course but it reminds me that there is a personal God looking over everything. I get caught up in the self improvement side of my spiritual path, with the yoga, meditation, etc... that when reminded that I can improve myself but only to the point where it is the will of God. I really truly believe that and there isn't a yoga course or Buddhist doctrine that can tell me differently. But it always turns me inward. If this personal, all-knowing, all-loving God is taking care of me, bring me back to Him and saving my life (eternal life, not literal life) then I GET IT ALREADY! Point made, my bad, back on the path, ready to do your work! But please God, Please oh please not in here!

My "issue" lately has been, honestly, one of envy. Envy that the Lord shapes the lives of His followers so differently. I have a female friend who is the most faithful, God loving persona I know. Her life is filled with such perfect beauty it makes me weep, literally. Physical beauty, devoted handsome husband, beautiful children, all are strong in faith, all are smart. God is showering her with blessing of beauty, forging His follower with fragrant, silk flower petals. Everything she and her family is, is a bright ray of warmth and love not only in glorifying God, but to me and I'm sure the rest of their friends and family. And I love them for it, always will. But there's envy. I'm a piece of dull iron, being forged by loss, noise, discomfort, pain and suffering. Each announcement n the loud speaker, each h ate filled shout of an inmate, each rash or crick of the body, each stomach turning pang of remembrance, of loss is like the "CLANG" of the hammer on this piece of iron. Heated bent, "Clang" molded, CLANG, heated again. Forged again and again. It wouldn't hurt so much if I just knew what this piece of iron is supposed to be. Some glimpse, some hint what my purpose is, what's at the end. I guess that is where faith comes in. But damn it, I'm tired, exhausted. I talk to lifers and long timers who have been in here 10, 15, 20 years and they have no hope left at all, no faith whatsoever. I can't do that. Literally know I can't. Faith is the only thing keeping me alive.