11/2/2007

Hectic day today, super busy. Friday is the busiest day at work. Then after work it was s upper then off to church, which ended up being more work because mics didn't work, people weren't on the list, blah blah. Church was good though. We had an outside quartet sing most of the night. They were pretty good! I called my mom afterward to see if she was in town like she hinted at in her letter. She decided to wait until closer to Thanksgiving which makes sense. She was upset at some of my journal entries. The ones where I try to communicate what I'm feeling more specifically my depression and my ranting of how close I can to suicide in jail. She was worried that some kind of charges might be filed against me, like that would make a difference with the sentence I'm serving. Plus the point of my sharing all of that was to1

1. show that I overcame the urge and still have hope
2. to show how little the jail/prison administration cares what we do or feel, and
   
3. to communicate what 98% of the people incarcerated think about and feel.

Any inmate that tells you he is not depressed, angry, and have never thought of ending it all is a liar! They are fronting, posturing and lying to their loved ones, the administration and themselves. Any warden or shrink that says there is no problem and th at they are helping and treating depression is a liar also. I'm very very sorry if the story I shared upset my family and friends, but frankly it is an upsetting thing and I promised to be honest and write what i feel and think. My moods are circular as are most peoples and life in general, which is what I tried to illustrate in my poem "Schism". For example, today I feel fine. Not happy, still lonely and missing my wife and kids and family and friends, but no anywhere near the depth of darkness I felt just a week or two ago. Anyway... I love my family very much and would never do anything to hurt them or put them in danger. They are the only thing I have left and I wouldn't jeopardize that in anyway. Well, gonna go to bed. Later.