11/29/2007

Weird weird weird. That's the day I have had. Started off pretty normal with work. I had a couple of hours off because the boss took a long lunch. I did fix the photo database though, so... (pat myself on the back). I had my systematic theology class tonight and that went well as usual. I've been finding a lot of similarities between Buddhism and Christian philosophy or whatever you want to call it. So much so in fact I really don't know what to label my faith/religion. Not that I feel I need to label it but just for convenience-sake. So I'm sitting in my cell literally doing nothing, just sitting and 2 separate inmates (that are new) stop by my cell and ask if I am Christian and offer me free stuff. One was a crucifix (which I already own) the other inmate gave me some writings. I said yes to the question out of pure reflex and sheer laziness not wanting to explain what I believe. But it weirds me out anyway. My night got stranger when another inmate (this one I know) gave me half a prison pizza. I won't bore you with what a prison pizza is but it is the closest thing we get to pizza in here and it's made with ingredients you can get off the comy. list. It was good. That's it, days over, going to bed.

Liberation Prison Project [LPP] 11-29-07

How good to hear from you again! I was very pleased to learn that your cell status has been changed so that you no longer have the same worries as before. I am also happy to hear that the dharma group has been implementing the discussion time after meditation. I think that is so important to the group and to each of the individuals to have that opportunity to express and share their thoughts and experiences with each other. This is one of the most important ways the sangha can support each other.
Of course I am concerned with your scheduling conflict. I think it is positive that you are involved hi a number of different activities but I also think think the sangha could be a great support to you. (And you to them!) So I hope that your efforts to change the days are successful for all of you. Please keep me posted on this.
Ok- now to what I sense is the big issue for you right now. The depression and the difficulty you are having being able to bring yourself to the cushion. So I can suggest a couple of things. First, I would say don't try to force it. If its not working and you feel yourself resisting it then I would advise you to listen to that. Everything comes hi its time and when you are ready for it to. I think it is also important to be aware that sitting meditation creates a situation in which our awareness is drawn to those things that arise in our minds, that maybe we would rather not pay attention to, or try to avoid. If you are feeling depressed right now then sitting practice may be amplifying those feelings. I wonder if it would help if you were able to share what you are feeling depressed about. I understand that this might be difficult for a number of different reasons. But I can also assure you that if and when you are ready to do that I will listen to whatever you bring to me with compassion and without judgment.
I think it also may be helpful if you tried using a mantra during your practice. It would give you something to focus on and might help temper any negativity that does arise. I would suggest beginning with something like Om Mani Padme Hum. This is often referred to as the mantra of compassion. If you would like I could send you some more information about it For now you could just imagine sending out compassion to all living beings as well as yourself, while you recite it during your meditation.
I hope you enjoy the Mandala subscription. Let me know if you come across anything you find especially interesting.
Take Care of yourself. And try and be easy with your practice. Let me know how it goes.

With Loving Kindness,
Heather

11/28/2007

Felt weird today. Scatter brained, confused, anxious. Sick of people trying to hustle me, give me this, give me that bullshit! Everybody wants something for nothing, cons are the worst. Fight on the tier above me tonight, last like 10 minutes, never broken up, cops are clueless here, they have no idea what goes on here. I did a lot of reflecting today, like I said , what I really missed today was laughter. Not laughing at dirty jokes or at someone else's expense, not snickering at the cops, not dark laughter when discussing the crazy prison system. I miss real laughter, filled with joy and love and warmth. My wife has the best laugh, loud, squinty eyes smiling, from the belly laugh. To hear her laugh would make your darkest moods disappear. I miss her laugh, I miss her. I miss the laughs and giggles of my son. It melts my heart just remembering it, just imagine what it could do if I could hear it again. Yeah, that is what I miss the most today. Maybe I miss that because I'm reflecting on my oldest son's b-day today.

11/26/2007

Watching Journeyman. Pretty good show. Cop just came by to give me a random breathalyser test. I couldn't stop giggling while doing it because it is the first one I've ever taken in my life and it's while already behind bars!!! Not that I couldn't use a beer! Lord that sounds good, but I'm not about to start drinking home-made hooch from a toilet. I received some money from my grandmother today, I will write her a thank you after this. I also got a letter back from the Buddhist correspondence course stating my application has been approved and I am now on the "waiting list" which is 2 years long. Oh well, not that I'm going anywhere. Speaking of which, my lawyer came up today and conveyed in person that he appeal failed and was just as disappointed as I was and baffled. After I asked him what is next his exact words were "You're screwed." No more appeals, there are certain channels I can still go through but he said the probability of them working are little to nothing. So literally the only way out of here is by an act of God or a body bag. Wait and see, grow old, wait and see. My life would be worth something, my suffering ended if only I could be a part of any of my children's lives. I'm in no mood to write grandma now.

11:00 PM
Can't sleep, decided to write grandma. Cop went by and handed out our monthly balance sheet for our money accounts. I have $99 to spend so I decided to buy a Hot Pot and get a subscription to Tricycle. So I can only spend $25/week (which is a stupid rule) so I broke it down like this: 11/27: comy. supplies like stamps, coffee, sugar, bread, tuna, peanut butter, etc. = $35
12/3: Hot Pot for $24.10
12/11: Tricycle subscription. for $24
I'll get the comy. delivered on 12/2, the Hot Pot probably around the end of the month and the tricycle subscription 4-6 weeks from 12/11 so... end of January, maybe? Like I said stupid rule with spending limits. Everybody would be happeir without them and the prison and CBM (who supplies the goodies) would get more money. Anyway, I'll have to watch my money intake because I'm only allowed $140/mo being deposited and grandma's $50 plus my $49 pay-check leaves me with only $51 more that can be added without stiff penalties. It helps to write it all out so I can keep it straight i n my head. Sorry to bore you all. Good night.

Hey Bro-

How is everything going? How are things with the main squeeze? Things are alright here. Mom and I had a good visit this week. What did you do for Thanksgiving? They actually had a good meal here, I almost puked, seriously! I'm sending you a comic strip that made me laugh because that was totally me on Thursday. I'm also sending you the latest journal entries. Plus I'm sending you a clip-out of the Christmas gift I want [3rd son] to have. I was wondering if you could ask around the family for me to see who can send it to him. I filled out a slip to buy it myself then realized it was hard cover so I couldn't receive it and th en ship it out. So please ask around who could purchase it and send it to [3rd son]/[2nd wife] in place of sending me more money or books. Thanks and let me know. I have quite a few of his (Bo Lozoff) books but this is his only children's book. "The Wonderful Life of a Fly Who Couldn't Fly"! H a! Prefect!

Looking forward to seeing you next month. I'm going to grab and fill our the paperwork so you can visit me more th an twice when your here, so let me know what day you want to visit. Make sure you keep trying to call and talk to [2nd wife] till you get her to commit to seeing you for as long as YOU like. Nothing else to report that you can't read elsewhere. Love you [Brother]. Write back soon with an update.

- Love [Author]

P.S. I am so proud and honored to have you as my main communicator/translator/hub of my thoughts and writing and wishes. Please know that my hear truly fills with love and joy when I think of you and everything you have done for me, and continue to.

11/25/2007

Commissary day! Hooray! I wasn't sure if I was going to get it or not. I have a $25 limit per week and with a book order for $20.15 and $20 worth of com. I went over. Yeah! for the small victories! Things still annoying me today. I spent most of the day reading. I'm reading "The Three Pillars of Zen" by Phillip Kapleau. I've read it before many years go. In fact it was the first book I read after discovering Buddhism in high school. I personally think it is the best book on Zen. It covers everything from beginning to advanced stuff and gives real life western examples of people asking questions. Well just read it, it would be easier. I need to commit to sitting and meditating more. I've been lazy, which is why I'm probably anxious and annoyed. My only beef with Zen is that it never really mentions God. Sure the law of karma, enlightenment and becoming aware of Everything is one. But they never say what the one is. Well it doesn't matter, I know, I KNOW the one is God. I also know that through prayer and meditation I can come to know God more intimately or become enlightened or whatever you want to call it. I have nothing, NOTHING else to strive for. With the failure of the appeal and not having contact with my wife and any of my children, I don't have the chance to be a father in any form. No bills to pay, no job to worry about, no family to support. I'm in a really dirty, stinky, loud, temptation ridden, hell hole of a monastery. But a monastery none the less, so I might as well start treating it like one and get to work on my spiritual path. Whatever that is. Philippians 2:12-13

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who work in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Yeah, time to live it. So how do I do that in here? I can be "good", not get into trouble, be a "model inmate", pray, meditate. But really, it is really about faithful waiting. I mean come on, what else really can I do? Sit, pray, meditate and faithfully wait. Wait for enlightenment or the "end of days" or death. All will be the justified end. Heaven, peace, quiet, reunited with loved ones and family. That is the only thing I have to look forward to. But till then... sit, pray, meditate, grow old and faithfully wait. I know He hasn't left me, forgives me and is waiting for me. I know He hears me, protects me. I know I can speak to Him, meditate on Him, somehow serve Him, but how? How? I wish someone reading this blog would write me. It would be nice to know that my thoughts and words are reaching somewhere. That someone somewhere either can relate, or shares the same insight or feelings or even thinks I'm full of shit. Either way. Not that I am alone, I have a lot of support from my family and friends, but they're biased :-) I am blessed heavily though.

11/24/2007

Theron visited. He had Thanksgiving over at his parents house with like 18 other people. Jeez, that's a lot of people in one house. I can't remember the last Thanksgiving I spent with that many friends and relatives. I spent it with about 400 people, but not quite the same thing. I'm on edge today. Everything seems to annoy me. The usual zombie walking people walking in front of you cutting you off in line, the smack talk between the tiers, the yelling at the football games, the CO's checking to make sure my door is shut every 15 minutes, everything.

11/23/2007

Mom came and visited again today. We ran out of things to talk about but it was good to just be in her presence. I got a letter returned today from a inmate correspondence place. Oh well. Not much else happened today. Finished reading the winter 2007 issue of BuddhaDharma and now am watching Elf.

11/22/2007

Happy Turkey day! I was supposed to have a "paid day off" but I ended up being called to the Chapel 3 separate times and to the visit room once. I won't bore you with the reasons why but they were all bogus mistakes on the part of the staff, not me. I had a real Thanksgiving dinner though. Turkey, stuffing, corn, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, dinner roll, pumpkin pie and ice cream. Afterward I felt like puking. On the way out of the mess hall they handed out what the inmates label "boats". It's basically those cardboard bowls you get nachos in at the baseball game. Well each inmate got 2 "boats". One filled with meat & cheese, veggies and dip and the other filled with various chips and salsa. So that was cool. That was my holiday, I wonder what my kids did?

11/21/2007

Got a letter from Bonnie with a funky drawing and a couple of pictures. Theron visited this afternoon and said he'll be back this weekend also. They called me down to the visit and I thought it was my lawyer, so my stomach was flip-flopping. Mom visited tonight. It was a good visit filled with ups and downs. I honestly believe that it is harder emotionally for my family and friends and anyone on the outside than it is for me and the people on the inside.

11/19/2007

Pretty boring today, nothing much happened. I lent a bag of coffee to a dude last week in exchange for two from him this week. Trying to help him out, you know? Well it is time for him to pay up but he keeps giving me the run around. This other dude, I lent him batteries for his radio and a stamped envelope and let him read my paper when I'm done. well the guy said he would pay me back when he gets his commissary. Guess what? He got his com. and no payment when I come to collect. To make matters worse this dude actually got pissy when, I don't "read the paper fast enough"; comes sniffing around over and over with his hand out. Unbelievable! So I ask, what do you do? If I was a true convict I would "punk them out" teach each a less by slapping them around to show that they can't. play with me that way and to show others the same. But I'm NOT a convict. I'm a man sitting in prison for the rest of my life trying to help people out where I can and trying to keep my sanity, my ... me; I'm trying to stay me! But how much can I take? How long can I be taken advantage of? Be dumped on? Do I harden my heart to other inmates and never help them out or try to work through this feeling of being used? I don't have answers only questions. That is the drama I face in here. Pathetic, weird, but real. I did get good news today though. I found out I get paid extra for taking photos which is part of my job. I'll make an extra #30-$40 in tokens for December. So that's cool. Plus I found out that I have to attend the POW-WOW in December and not only do I get paid extra for that, but I can invite anyone from the outside to hang out with me down there for the entire day! It's on December 15th which is a Saturday. Not sure who would want to hang out at a prison POW-WOW all day or for that matter, COULD hang out all day. I'll have to ask around and see. Talk to you all later.

11/18/2007

I was called down to a visit today. I instantly knew it was my Aunt since the other 2 people on my list visited yesterday. It's always good to see her and talk to her. Not much else happened today. Got my commissary so i have a pen again, and I mailed out all my letters. Now I'm out of stamps again till next Sunday. All my letter writing is caught up so the next book of stamps should last a while. I got screwed out of a shower all weekend. I couldn't shower on Saturday because I was working in the chapel and today because I was at a visit. The CO's could have let me shower at 4:00 or 8:00 but they decided to be dicks. So I took a bird bath in the sink. That's all the excitement for today.