Been a while since I wrote anything. I don't know why I am, nobody really reads this but a few. And if it were millions? Well with my self-destructive attitude I would probably sabotage it somehow and make sure it was never read again.
Well Obama won the election and I guess I'm glad. But it's hard to give a shit when you can't vote and you're an inmate that can't relate to change or hope or any of those fluffy buzz words you use to convince people to vote for him. NO political candidate comes anywhere near prison reform. And to make it worse the "African-Americans" locked up here have twisted and perverted Obama's message that it's turned into a reversal racism thing, which just stirred up the "white" racists and there have been fights and shit ever since. Whatever. Like I said unless he does prison reform, gets rid of mandatory sentences or gives me a pardon, I don't give a shit.
There isn't even a way to better one self while in here. Get this... this lifer dude has served 14 years in here and been a model inmate the whole time, I mean not even a simple write up! On top of that he is a born again Christian and has helped countless inmates by sharing his story of near suicide and redemption which in turn grows the church attendance making it the largest and most influential church behind these walls. So he comes up in front of the board for a commutation of sentence and asks the pastor of this church to come with him. Mind you not that the pastor has to say anything, just
be there. And the inmate is told to go kick rocks, they/he won't do it. The inmate is denied commutation (nobody gets it anyway so no surprise there) and blames the pastor, the church, God and quits going to church and attendance drops by 30%! If a faithful, model inmate can't even count on the pastors, well man then there is no one left! Crazy!
So with no way out of here I'm praying for a compassionate release, which is what they give you if your on your death bed, sometimes. Staring at a picture of Kuan Yin the Buddha of compassion with her thousand arms reaching out to help those who call on her, I whisper a prayer for release. A commercial for pancreatic cancer catches my eye and a morph my prayer into a "ooh, ooh, yeah that would do." Later in the night my "visual meditation" turns dark when I picture myself with a thousand arms and hands, but I'm not dispensing comfort or compassion. I clawing, grasping at any disease, organ failure, stroke, heart attack, anything to speed this pathetic existence up and making it come to a close. So just end it yourself you say? Oh no, can't. There's the problem of the after life. Christan = straight to hell; Buddhist = Shittier rebirth. Not to mention I'm a sadist. Like a car wreck I can't look away from my life.
I mean let us be brutally honest. It is going to be nothing but loss and pain from here on out. Milestones of misery. All experience behind bars with no control or way to deal with it. The first death of a friend or family member is a biggie. The drifting away of the people who you thought loved you. Failed attempts to get yourself free through the legal process. Kids growing up not knowing of your existence or knowing and not caring. Between point A and point B on the time line it is all down hill misery with nothing positive to look forward to but the end and nothing you can do to stop the negative. Nothing to do except take advantage of the people still in your life while they're still around and try to be as comfortable as you can be in a prison cell. T.V.? Check, radio? - check, books, hot pot, headphones? - check, check, check. Calendar to cross off the days? -= check Sense of wonder of where three years have gone? - check. Lots of time to learn a new talent? = check Too much depression and apathy to bother trying? - check. Writing in a journal excited that it is to be digitized and turned into a blog? - check.
Again realizing nobody really reads it? - check. Ha!
