12/17/2008

Again I haven't written in this journal for a while. I have been caught up in dark thoughts and distracted by worldly things. The darks seems so comfortable sometimes, like wearing your favorite jeans or indulging in your favorite drug or junk food. I don't know which is better for the creative process of ideas, is it the dark I've been in, the light from 6 months ago or the numb grey that was in between? Or is it all of the above? I'm curious if anyone in the past has such dramatic swings and cataloged it in writing or art. Not that I've done either, but curious. I'm so tired all the time. Yesterday was only a half-day of work and I told myself I was going to catch up on some reading and studying. I ended falling into coma sleep from 10:30am-3:30pm and went to bed again at 9:30pm - 7:30am and I'm still exhausted.

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Book Lists

11/8/2008

Been a while since I wrote anything. I don't know why I am, nobody really reads this but a few. And if it were millions? Well with my self-destructive attitude I would probably sabotage it somehow and make sure it was never read again.

Well Obama won the election and I guess I'm glad. But it's hard to give a shit when you can't vote and you're an inmate that can't relate to change or hope or any of those fluffy buzz words you use to convince people to vote for him. NO political candidate comes anywhere near prison reform. And to make it worse the "African-Americans" locked up here have twisted and perverted Obama's message that it's turned into a reversal racism thing, which just stirred up the "white" racists and there have been fights and shit ever since. Whatever. Like I said unless he does prison reform, gets rid of mandatory sentences or gives me a pardon, I don't give a shit.

There isn't even a way to better one self while in here. Get this... this lifer dude has served 14 years in here and been a model inmate the whole time, I mean not even a simple write up! On top of that he is a born again Christian and has helped countless inmates by sharing his story of near suicide and redemption which in turn grows the church attendance making it the largest and most influential church behind these walls. So he comes up in front of the board for a commutation of sentence and asks the pastor of this church to come with him. Mind you not that the pastor has to say anything, just be there. And the inmate is told to go kick rocks, they/he won't do it. The inmate is denied commutation (nobody gets it anyway so no surprise there) and blames the pastor, the church, God and quits going to church and attendance drops by 30%! If a faithful, model inmate can't even count on the pastors, well man then there is no one left! Crazy!

So with no way out of here I'm praying for a compassionate release, which is what they give you if your on your death bed, sometimes. Staring at a picture of Kuan Yin the Buddha of compassion with her thousand arms reaching out to help those who call on her, I whisper a prayer for release. A commercial for pancreatic cancer catches my eye and a morph my prayer into a "ooh, ooh, yeah that would do." Later in the night my "visual meditation" turns dark when I picture myself with a thousand arms and hands, but I'm not dispensing comfort or compassion. I clawing, grasping at any disease, organ failure, stroke, heart attack, anything to speed this pathetic existence up and making it come to a close. So just end it yourself you say? Oh no, can't. There's the problem of the after life. Christan = straight to hell; Buddhist = Shittier rebirth. Not to mention I'm a sadist. Like a car wreck I can't look away from my life.

I mean let us be brutally honest. It is going to be nothing but loss and pain from here on out. Milestones of misery. All experience behind bars with no control or way to deal with it. The first death of a friend or family member is a biggie. The drifting away of the people who you thought loved you. Failed attempts to get yourself free through the legal process. Kids growing up not knowing of your existence or knowing and not caring. Between point A and point B on the time line it is all down hill misery with nothing positive to look forward to but the end and nothing you can do to stop the negative. Nothing to do except take advantage of the people still in your life while they're still around and try to be as comfortable as you can be in a prison cell. T.V.? Check, radio? - check, books, hot pot, headphones? - check, check, check. Calendar to cross off the days? -= check Sense of wonder of where three years have gone? - check. Lots of time to learn a new talent? = check Too much depression and apathy to bother trying? - check. Writing in a journal excited that it is to be digitized and turned into a blog? - check.
Again realizing nobody really reads it? - check. Ha!

10/3/2008

An inmate that I know attempted suicide last night. He was in the SHV or the hold and hanged himself. THe guards are supposed to check cells every 15 minutes, they didn['t. The person you share the cell with is supposed to stop you or at least push the emergency button; he didn't. He's in a medical induced coma, no one knows if he will make it. It won't be reported in the papers or on the T.V. news. It happens more than anyone on the houtside knows or cares. They (wardens) keep it hush hush and report that the inmate population has decreased over the last year so the system must be working. Yeah, right.

9/29/2008

In my age of concrete, I am anything but. I offer no support, no stability, no foundation. My friends and family suffer and reach out. I'm nothing, a mist, an ethereal body perpetually oozing suffering to all around me. Even when not tainting the people I love I have no ability to comfort or console but only whisper prayers alone in my cell. But who hears? The suffering only continues for everyone.

9/24/2008

Well another busy day and by busy I mean more than one thing that needs to be done a day. I had my theeth cleaning finished (by the same vomit girl) and she was fine today. I also finally moved to the south side of the East hall where it is much quieter. I can still hear the north side from here if that tells you how noisy it is over there. On another plus side is the fact Ithat I'm at the end of the tier so there is absolutely no traffic except people coing to see me. Wow! What a blessing! It really is a pain in the butt to move but hopefully this will be the last time for a long, long while. I found out today that I have to take pictures at a muslim special holiday event. It pissed me off at first since the holiday is on a thursday night and I'll have to miss my theology class, but I got over it quickly when I  found out that I get to partake in th eir feast which includes real steak gyros with all the fiings (jalapeno poppers and strawberry cheese cake!) REAL FOOD! Shit, I'd convert to Islam if I got to eat like that on a regular basis! Ha ha! It's weird though, food commercials are more arousing than hot chicks on T.V. I'm a fat man and food ads are my porn! Ha! If I had a choice between a deep dish pizza and a hot brunette? Hmm... PIZZA!

9/23/2008

I went to the dentist today for a cleaning. It's like a 8 month waiting list once you sign up for it, so even though inconvenient, I went. I quickly realized that the inmates are Guinea pigs for second year students. So while I'm in a very compromising position this kid (seriously) is poking around my mouth and naturally I start to taste blood. I don't know if it was my bleeding gums, the heat or her nerves but she lost it. Seriously. She announced she was going to faint and then ran to the bathroom (which isn't far away) and threw up. Well I felt bad, not that it's my fault, but the other two inmates thought this was the funniest thing EVER! And what could only be descried as half choking/gagging and half laughing I could tell they couldn't wait to have the other students fingers removed from their mouths so they could make wise cracks. Sure enough comments were made to the absent vomiting female student and several were made about my breath and condition of my teeth. I was excused and told my cleaning will be finished tomorrow, end of story, right? WRONG! To my surpirse the new traveled through the Lifetime Network (the name I give the gossiping lifers here) and received a slap on the back accompanied with what insults, jokes, comments you can think of. I didn't take it personally, there is so little humor in here, that you have to learn to take the laughs when you can. What a day! You can't make this stuff up! Nothing really else new here. A couple of fights today, one close enough I had to clean my cell bars of blood splatter. Yuck! The fights have become so common that I don't really pay attention anymore. This one went right by my cell and worked its way down the tier. I glanced up, noted I needed to clean my bars and went back to reading.

9/17/2008

All the theological studies, meditation and praying and I still caught myself lying today. About a week ago a member of cornerstone prison fellowship church and one of the "outsiders" who came in on a regular basis died. Dick (that's the fellow's name) had a long life, I think he wan in his 80's but he died suddenly when the tractor tire he was changing blew up. I really didn't know him, shook his hand when I went to Friday Church, and yet when I'm asked if I knew him well, I say "Yes, he was a good and kind man." I wonder why I feel the need to lie? Am I so desperate for real human connection that I cling to a fake friendship of a dead man?

9/14/2008

Toes grip and cling, hanging over the ledge of the highest cliff I've ever seen. Actually I don't know if it is high or not because staring down, I can see nothing but black. Not a nighttime black, but a lack of everything black, a hole devoid of anything, so devoid of anything that my eyes swim and flex in and out of focus trying, straining to fixate on anything at all. I have to will them to relax and not strain. There's no fear when I stare down, I know the ground is firm, I know there is no wind or anything else that puts me in jeopardy of falling forward. I am alone and inf act feel nothing. No joy, no sadness, no anticipation, no disappointment, nothing, just blank. I call down to the void "Hello? Is anybody there? Hello?" No answer, no echo, the blackness even voids my voice swallows all sound. No frustration of disappointment I do an about-face and start walking away from the cliff and void. The land is flat and dry... no color, well gray if that's a color, the light around me is an ambient light having no direct source. I walk and walk and eventually wake up in my cell. That is the dream I've had for about four nights now. NO changes, nothing added or different night after night. Starts at the cliff and ends with me walking.

Quote of the week:

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and kindles of fire."
- La Rochefaoucauld (1613-1680)

9/13/2008

Weird dreams for a while now. Probably the food here. Nothing but starches, carbs and junk food. Waiting for my anime shows to start. I'm glad that my shows are starting up again soon. Chuck, The Office, Heroes, Pushing Daisies. I need a TiVo, will someone out there petition the prison for TiVo? I can't neglect my reading and studies though, if it comes down to studies and T.V. I'll unplug the T.V.

7/16/08

Wow! Two days in a row writing! Oh, but I'm anxious. I don't know why but my head is spinning with spiritual thoughts, desperate thoughts, seeking thoughts. It's probably the combination of getting a letter from my aunt who is the most liberal, spiritual-seeking person in my family, that along with the theology class and reading the Dali Lama's "The Good Heart". I seem to be a spiritual tweeker, like a person desperately seeking his lost car keys in a craze swearing up and down that "they have to be here somewhere", that's the way I'm searching for God, for truth. The reading of Biblical scriptures, systematic theology, Buddhist philosophy and psychology. desert father writings, contemplative prayer brochures, mixed with my own meditation, prayer and yoga may seek like the oddest combination, but, but, but, "I know I left my self-realization here somewhere! God's self-revelation and his plan for me must be here somewhere!" Ha, ha! Like a said, a spiritual tweeker. I've never tried meth but I talk to people inside here and how you take a hit and your mind goes into one-track mode and you think or do little else than the one thing that you're stuck on. Yeah, that's me only crazier. 95% of my day is spend thinking about some spiritual or religious thing. The other 5% is being caught up in prison bullshits. Yeah, spiritual tweeker, truth seeker. I think I'm going crazy but so far I love it.

7/15/08

I Think I have just read the most touching, beautiful and personal paragraphs. No other writing has spoken to me and about what I'm feeling. It is an excerpt from "The Seven Story Mountain" written by Thomas Merton. It is a meditation of God speaking directly to Thomas and in so doing, speaking to me in a round about way also. Here it is:


"When you have been praised a little and loved a little I will take away all your gifts and all your love and all your praise and you will be utterly forgotten and abandoned and you will be nothing, a dead thing, a rejection. And in that day you shall begin to possess the solitude you have so long desired. And your solitude will bear immense fruit in the souls of men you will never see on earth.


Do not ask when it will be or where it will be or how it will be: On a mountain or in a prison, in a desert or in a concentration camp or in a hospital or at Gethsemane. It does not matter. So do not ask me, because I am not going to tell you. You will not know until you are in it.


But you shall taste the true solitude of my anguish and my poverty and I shall lead you into the high places of My joy and you shall die in Me and find all things in My mercy which has created you for the end..."


Well, that's it. Painfully perfect, accurate, personal and beautiful.