Wow. I haven't written in my "journal" for awhile. I guess that is what happens when there is not much going on. My best friend T comes to visit every weekend. I haven't seen E in about a month now. My aunt from another state came to visit and it was wonderful but nothing I feel like sharing here. (Those are my memories to keep.) I have some more books on the way although I don't know why wince I have plenty to read to begin with. It's an addiction,k this book collecting. I had a poem published in a prison ministry booklet. I submitted another to Quiet Mountain Essays but I haven't heard back yet. I've been writing some more but nothing is edited or refined. I started coloring the mandala that I created more than 8 months ago. I continue with my theology studies, my religious readings and my fantasy/sci-fi readings. It honestly alternates to whatever my mood for the day is. I still watch my shows: The Office, My Name Is Earl, Bleach, Deathnote and various other anime. I still feel a strong urge to draw/paint/create but still too lazy to teach myself or practice. The same goes for the guitar I have in my cell. I still have my chapel job and am thankful for it because it is the only air-conditioned place in the prison, oh yeah, and the free coffee too. I recently redecorated my cork board where I gets to pin up my pictures. I took down all the pictures of my kids and ex-wife and other people I had hanging that aren't in my life anymore. I figured why torture myself any longer staring at them. The only people left up there are people who still are and are still in contact. The rest of the "pictures" are nature shots art I find interesting and religious materials. Well that's it for me. I wish everyone out there reading this a happy and safe 4th of July weekend.
Beauty Let Down
Staring out my cell door through the bars
Gazing out the thick cubed security glass
I lose myself in the beauty of an orange sunset
Only to realize it's the sodium security light, just come one.
A trick of the light;
A trick on my slight.
With a sigh, I go back to reading.
Longing
In a world of concrete walls, floors and walkways, my feet ache to feel a massaging walk in cool spongy thick emerald fields of fragrant grass. I long to dip my hands into crystal cool waters and have rivulets tickling me all the way down to my elbows.
In a world of steel mesh and bars colored gray and concrete walls that are white-washed, my eyes thirst to drink in flawless blue skies deep enough to lose yourself in. I long to feast upon rolling hills of flowers every color of the rainbow and watch them sway, dance and bow in the breeze. I long to gaze upon snow-capped mountains that majestically defy time and stretch their grandeur to the heavens.
In a world filled constantly with lies, sarcasm, profanity and hatred, my ears strain to hear the whispering sighs of the wind moving through the trees, the soothing laughter of mountain streams and the quiet meditative sounds of nature surrounding me.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
7/01/08
Grace and Mercy
by #48018
It only hurts when I'm awake and when I'm asleep, dreaming.
It only hurts when hearing the metallic clank of my cell door and whenever I hear a child's laugh.
It only hurts when I reflect on the good times and when I remember the not-so-good times.
It only hurts when no one writes or visits and when they do write and visit.
It only hurts when...It only hurts when...It only hurts when...
(shh) stop. Quiet - breathe in.
(shh) Psalms 46:10 - breathe out.
"Be still and know that I am God."
In a single span of a breath
In the space between in and out.
Grace and Mercy
And my cheeks are wet with gratitude.
by #48018
It only hurts when I'm awake and when I'm asleep, dreaming.
It only hurts when hearing the metallic clank of my cell door and whenever I hear a child's laugh.
It only hurts when I reflect on the good times and when I remember the not-so-good times.
It only hurts when no one writes or visits and when they do write and visit.
It only hurts when...It only hurts when...It only hurts when...
(shh) stop. Quiet - breathe in.
(shh) Psalms 46:10 - breathe out.
"Be still and know that I am God."
In a single span of a breath
In the space between in and out.
Grace and Mercy
And my cheeks are wet with gratitude.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
6/16/08
Chapter 6: Breaking Free
Again this chapter is about the pain body and again it is just as easy to substitute the word demon. Tolle even makes the transition easier with words like "unholy alliance" and "a person possessed".
Chapter 7: Finding Who You Truly Are
This is so far the best-written and smartest chapter of the book. Why does it take 185 pages to get to real substance and advice on how to live happier? Still pantheistic themes but a lot of Zen and "living in the now" and mindfulness examples and exercises.
Chapter 8: The Discovery of Inner Space
This is a continuation of the previous chapter. Smart, insightful with good explanations of a quiet place you can reach with some lifestyle changes and meditation exercises. I would have liked to see less preaching on the evils of TV and more advice and exercises on different meditations, Zen and Christian.
Chapter 9: Your Inner Purpose
This is a pretty good self-help chapter about living in the moment and being mindful in everything you do. It ties in well with Chapter 7 & 8.
Chapter 10: A New Earth
Overall, not a bad conclusion to the book or more accurately the last 3 chapters of the book. It seems Tolle kind of hurried through it though. There are a lot of Zen, Sufi and Christian references without Tolle expounding on any of them. He could have kept the last 3 chapters as they were and cut the rest of the book down to at least half of what he wrote and came out with a better book.
In Conclusion: A New Earth is not a book for beginners or people that are in a deeper place in their spiritual lives or reading. It works well for the average, intermediate spiritual seeker and introduces good starting concepts on emptiness, space, ego and mindfulness. I would recommend it to a person that seems chronically unhappy or angry all the time and is hostile toward religions or God. The psychology in it is very down to earth and well written, but Tolle's theological ideas seem hastily put together and are most of the time inconsistent. It's a good jumping off point in reading about what is wrong with you but I wish he would have offered more solutions or at least added a recommended reading list for meditation, mindful living, etc. I think it will and does click well with some people and not so well with others. I guess that's okay since Tolle addresses that very issue in the book.
On a more personal note, I appreciate my aunt for sending me the book and though I don't agree with everything in the book, I do love reading all kinds of books. So my heartfelt thanks to her.
Again this chapter is about the pain body and again it is just as easy to substitute the word demon. Tolle even makes the transition easier with words like "unholy alliance" and "a person possessed".
Chapter 7: Finding Who You Truly Are
This is so far the best-written and smartest chapter of the book. Why does it take 185 pages to get to real substance and advice on how to live happier? Still pantheistic themes but a lot of Zen and "living in the now" and mindfulness examples and exercises.
Chapter 8: The Discovery of Inner Space
This is a continuation of the previous chapter. Smart, insightful with good explanations of a quiet place you can reach with some lifestyle changes and meditation exercises. I would have liked to see less preaching on the evils of TV and more advice and exercises on different meditations, Zen and Christian.
Chapter 9: Your Inner Purpose
This is a pretty good self-help chapter about living in the moment and being mindful in everything you do. It ties in well with Chapter 7 & 8.
Chapter 10: A New Earth
Overall, not a bad conclusion to the book or more accurately the last 3 chapters of the book. It seems Tolle kind of hurried through it though. There are a lot of Zen, Sufi and Christian references without Tolle expounding on any of them. He could have kept the last 3 chapters as they were and cut the rest of the book down to at least half of what he wrote and came out with a better book.
In Conclusion: A New Earth is not a book for beginners or people that are in a deeper place in their spiritual lives or reading. It works well for the average, intermediate spiritual seeker and introduces good starting concepts on emptiness, space, ego and mindfulness. I would recommend it to a person that seems chronically unhappy or angry all the time and is hostile toward religions or God. The psychology in it is very down to earth and well written, but Tolle's theological ideas seem hastily put together and are most of the time inconsistent. It's a good jumping off point in reading about what is wrong with you but I wish he would have offered more solutions or at least added a recommended reading list for meditation, mindful living, etc. I think it will and does click well with some people and not so well with others. I guess that's okay since Tolle addresses that very issue in the book.
On a more personal note, I appreciate my aunt for sending me the book and though I don't agree with everything in the book, I do love reading all kinds of books. So my heartfelt thanks to her.
6/16/08
Chapter 3: The Core of Ego
I really, really liked this chapter and the psychology of it. I felt like he was attacking Christianity a little when he is telling of the inquisition and the horrible crimes that were committed in the name of religion. But it wasn't the religion that was flawed but the people following it which further shows the broken-ness of humans. I think this is what Tolle was trying to say but he wasn't very articulate or graceful in doing so. I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Tolle states: "...you won't find absolute truth if you look for it where it cannot be found: in doctrines, ideologies, sets of rules, or stories." But yet here is another book claiming the absolute truth! Ha Ha! He also makes the statement, "The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you are the truth." This is (in my opinion) a false statement. The use of the capital "T" in Truth can only be another label for God and at best we are but an image, a reflection of God or Truth: not God or Truth itself. In the sub-chapter entitled "All Structures Are Unstable", Tolle tacks on a statement from Jesus about "eternal life" which is hastily put into place and conveniently not expanded upon. I can't help but feel that Tolle feels like he needs to back up his ideas and beliefs by pointing out Biblical scripture that is taken out of context and used to make his own point. This is nothing new though, many so-called Christians do it also, but it is still equally wrong.
Chapter 4 Role Playing: The Many Faces of Ego
This is where the book really shines. Tolle is a very intelligent psychologist and articulates very well the workings of the ego and the different roles we play to sustain it. He should stick with the psychology and basic practices of how to overcome it without bringing the sense of spirituality into it. He is not so strong in that area and his theology is inconsistent at best. In this chapter I cam across a paradox of the ego that creates suffering or a "hell on earth" but yet Tolle claims that suffering is needed to come to an awakening and rid the ego. Again on page 116, he quotes Biblical scripture to fit his needs of a psychological analogy. "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus was not discussing the broken egos or psychological dysfunctions of his persecutors.
I'm actually done with Chapter 5 also but I have so many things to write about that chapter, that I need to collect my notes and write it in later. If Tolle's example of God is correct, then I am truly crazy because God speaks to me and guides me. If He is not a conscious, personal, intelligent being, then I just have voices and delusions, which I guess could be true, but I don't think so.
Chapter 5: The Pain Body
This chapter is very interesting. The concept of the pain body is unique and I agree with Tolle for most of the chapter. His writing once again is inconsistent though and he often contradicts himself. If he would only stick to psychology! Once he starts introducing mystical or spiritual concepts the chapter falls apart. It starts on page 129 when he misinterprets the term karma. He continues to use a pantheistic view of "intelligence" at least up until he starts describing the pain body. With phrases and words such as "primitive intelligence" that know when to sleep, wake, what buttons of yours to push to feed the ego, and with intelligence enough to recognize other pain bodies that it can use to beef up your suffering, it is obvious that this thing has a personality and he also states that it is separate from the harmony of the creative intelligence. Um...if Tolle subscribes to the God is in everything/Life Force/Universe knows best theory, then shouldn't the pain body be a part of the same universe? And if it is separate from the life force, then where does it come from? If there isn't a personable God involved in life, then why does this thing that is the opposite of God have personality traits? (Or for that matter why do we??) IN fact, I don't disagree with Tolle about the pain body at all and all the personality traits it has and how it schemes. I even like that he calls it a "psychic parasite". I just choose to call it what it really is...a demon. Do yourself a HUGE favor and go buy/rent the book "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis and read it side by side with this pain body chapter and see how eerily close they resemble each other. The Christian demon that Lewis writes about acts and reacts the EXACT same way that Tolle's pain body does. Tolle also climbs a slipper slope when he is describing collective pain bodies. One false step and a person could easily misconstrue or fall into such concepts of justifying a caste system, racism, sexism and even anti-Semitic thoughts. The collective pain body sounds very familiar to group or collective karma teachings I've read and I had a hard time swallowing those too.
I really, really liked this chapter and the psychology of it. I felt like he was attacking Christianity a little when he is telling of the inquisition and the horrible crimes that were committed in the name of religion. But it wasn't the religion that was flawed but the people following it which further shows the broken-ness of humans. I think this is what Tolle was trying to say but he wasn't very articulate or graceful in doing so. I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Tolle states: "...you won't find absolute truth if you look for it where it cannot be found: in doctrines, ideologies, sets of rules, or stories." But yet here is another book claiming the absolute truth! Ha Ha! He also makes the statement, "The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you are the truth." This is (in my opinion) a false statement. The use of the capital "T" in Truth can only be another label for God and at best we are but an image, a reflection of God or Truth: not God or Truth itself. In the sub-chapter entitled "All Structures Are Unstable", Tolle tacks on a statement from Jesus about "eternal life" which is hastily put into place and conveniently not expanded upon. I can't help but feel that Tolle feels like he needs to back up his ideas and beliefs by pointing out Biblical scripture that is taken out of context and used to make his own point. This is nothing new though, many so-called Christians do it also, but it is still equally wrong.
Chapter 4 Role Playing: The Many Faces of Ego
This is where the book really shines. Tolle is a very intelligent psychologist and articulates very well the workings of the ego and the different roles we play to sustain it. He should stick with the psychology and basic practices of how to overcome it without bringing the sense of spirituality into it. He is not so strong in that area and his theology is inconsistent at best. In this chapter I cam across a paradox of the ego that creates suffering or a "hell on earth" but yet Tolle claims that suffering is needed to come to an awakening and rid the ego. Again on page 116, he quotes Biblical scripture to fit his needs of a psychological analogy. "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus was not discussing the broken egos or psychological dysfunctions of his persecutors.
I'm actually done with Chapter 5 also but I have so many things to write about that chapter, that I need to collect my notes and write it in later. If Tolle's example of God is correct, then I am truly crazy because God speaks to me and guides me. If He is not a conscious, personal, intelligent being, then I just have voices and delusions, which I guess could be true, but I don't think so.
Chapter 5: The Pain Body
This chapter is very interesting. The concept of the pain body is unique and I agree with Tolle for most of the chapter. His writing once again is inconsistent though and he often contradicts himself. If he would only stick to psychology! Once he starts introducing mystical or spiritual concepts the chapter falls apart. It starts on page 129 when he misinterprets the term karma. He continues to use a pantheistic view of "intelligence" at least up until he starts describing the pain body. With phrases and words such as "primitive intelligence" that know when to sleep, wake, what buttons of yours to push to feed the ego, and with intelligence enough to recognize other pain bodies that it can use to beef up your suffering, it is obvious that this thing has a personality and he also states that it is separate from the harmony of the creative intelligence. Um...if Tolle subscribes to the God is in everything/Life Force/Universe knows best theory, then shouldn't the pain body be a part of the same universe? And if it is separate from the life force, then where does it come from? If there isn't a personable God involved in life, then why does this thing that is the opposite of God have personality traits? (Or for that matter why do we??) IN fact, I don't disagree with Tolle about the pain body at all and all the personality traits it has and how it schemes. I even like that he calls it a "psychic parasite". I just choose to call it what it really is...a demon. Do yourself a HUGE favor and go buy/rent the book "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis and read it side by side with this pain body chapter and see how eerily close they resemble each other. The Christian demon that Lewis writes about acts and reacts the EXACT same way that Tolle's pain body does. Tolle also climbs a slipper slope when he is describing collective pain bodies. One false step and a person could easily misconstrue or fall into such concepts of justifying a caste system, racism, sexism and even anti-Semitic thoughts. The collective pain body sounds very familiar to group or collective karma teachings I've read and I had a hard time swallowing those too.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
6/8/08
Crazy busy this week. I did read the next few chapters of "A New Earth" though; here are some thoughts and notes.
Chapter 2 Ego: The Current State of Humanity
For the most part, I really enjoyed this chapter and his descriptions on how the ego works and how it gives rise to suffering. The statement on page 41 - "One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." Considering Tolle has yet to attribute God as a personal conscience being I fail to see how a power life "Life" can know anything and recognize what you need. I would rewrite it..."God will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your soul so you will be a part of Him again." Tolle also uses the imagery of a person on his/her deathbed when all external worldly things fall away and you get to the root of who you really are. But prison works for some people also. Tolle also uses the term "I AM" to describe your inner "being". I wonder if he used this term because that is the name of God translated into English or if it was unintentional. Like I said, the chapter on a whole is pretty good but if falls apart on the last page and in his summary on page 58. The statement on negativity about "...the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful." Doesn't that contradict his earlier statement that Life will give you what you need to evolve? On the same page, he falls away from his pantheistic view of God and uses the term "creative intelligence" and also states that once you are aligned with this creative intelligence then "coincidences happen". But it is not a coincidence if you are dealing with an intelligent creative force or a personal God and it is not a coincidence if that is what is supposed to happen once you are in harmony with an unintelligent god or life force of universal laws. So either way the statement is wrong. So far (and it is early in the book) I fail to see how Tolle can interchange the words "Universe", "Life", "Creative Intelligence" and "God". If he is in the mind set of God as a pantheistic "presence" a law of the universe to be viewed as other laws of the universe such as gravity or if you want to be spiritual, Karma, then there is no room for intelligence at all. Gravity doesn't think and act on which objects to interact with and which ones to ignore; it acts on all things equally, it is a force. I'm not saying a pantheistic view of God is wrong, but I do wish he would pick a viewpoint and terminology to go with it and stick with it. Whether you agree with his point of views or not, the book would be stronger if he did so. In my opinion all would be tied together if he just came out and said there is a personal intelligent being that oversees all, including the forces of the universe, that we call God. Well, that's all my thoughts on Chapter 2.
6/01/08
Chapter 1 - Ego: The Flowering of Human Consciousness
I actually agree with Tolle's definition of ego and the allusions he draws from Buddhist sources and some western psychology. I do believe there needs to be a shift in basic society conscience but I see no evidence of this already happening. He makes the case of the "shift" by giving examples of people moving away from "dogma" and religion and shows evidence that people are becoming more "spiritual" witghout gluing themselves to a belief system or religions. I like his writings on sea creatures evolving adn coming onto land to become something else or reptiles sprouting wings and turning into birds but if he (Tolle) is an evolutionist then why does he add mystical and spiritual properties to these events? And if he is spiritual then what or who is the driving force for the creaturesw wanting to evolve in the first place? IN fact, in the first chapter which outlines what the rest of the book is about, Tolle lays (it seems so far) all the work of evolving on the individual, there is no mention of a divine personal power or God at all. I also strongly disagree with his statement: "If evil has any reality-and it has a relative, not an absolute, reality-..." Um, spend some time in prison and stare into the eyes of a man who has raped and murdered several women and children and swee no remorse, regret and still in a rage, and tell me that is "relative" not absolute evil. There is absolute wrong or evil in this world otherwise what is that "inner voice" Tolle talks about doing whispering moral rights and wrongs to you? If all is relative, then why have a shift in consciousness at all? If it is all relative, then why is anybody in prison?
6/01/08
Okay. Here's the deal. I was sent this book called "A New Earth" written by Eckhart Tolle. To tell you the truth this book already has a strike against it in that it has been praised and pushed upon the masses by Oprah. It's not that I hate Oprah, in fact, she has given and helped out very noble causes but that is not the definition of a noble person. She still comes off as a little self-righteous when she does these things. Or maybe I just don't like rich people, ha-ha. Anyway, Oprah aside, I'm going to try to read this self-help spirituality book with an open mind. Butg again truth be told, between my own, um, discoveries and studies and what I believe to be divine revelation, I don't have much use for another person to tell me "what it is all about". Not only that but the truths that have been revealed to me are so obviously concrete and absolute to me that I run the risk of being overly critical of anything that I can now sniff out as bullshit, but on the other hand, I can also confirm to alot of teachings that I know to be true. So I'm going to read the book one chapter at a time and make my own comments on it and write them here. Not that I am any expert on anything, but I'll do what I can and write what I can, what else is there to do?
Monday, May 26, 2008
5/26/2008
Just finished reading the second Chuck Palahniuk book my brother sent me 4 days ago. That's two Chuck books read in 4 days! I am forever grateful for this dude's books and my brother who sent them to me. In the world I live in now, it's a giant relief to read something more twisted, surreal and just plain wrong and messed up more than what I'm living. His stories, characters and situations are so hilariously dark that when my imagination snaps back from Chuck's books, I feel like I'm living in club med. If I was one of those charities that get to meet someone famous before you die, Chuck Palahniuk would be it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
5/20/2008
Studying theology tonight and more specifically, the decree/decrees of God, when I came across the following perfectly written material from Berkhof.
As I read these passages, and the 2 paragraphs between, they rang true in my mind, heart and soul. With that being said... I wish He would tell me what fucking purpose He has for me.
There is in God, as we have seen, a necessary knowledge, including all possible causes and results.
... there is no blind decree in God, but only an intelligent and deliberate purpose.
As I read these passages, and the 2 paragraphs between, they rang true in my mind, heart and soul. With that being said... I wish He would tell me what fucking purpose He has for me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
5/19/2008
Busy, back to work after a long weekend of visits from mom, T. & E. I'm blessed to have them all. I took a three day writing workshop called worship writing. I took the last poem I wrote and turned it into a devotional meditation. I think it works better that way. Everybody read theirs but I just wrote one and had the professor read it and it was under anonymous. The guy who read it is named James S. I guess he posted it on his blog. Well my shows are on, Later.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
5/11/2008
Happy Mother's Day! I sent cards to both my mother and grand-mother. I wish I could've sent cards/letters to both my ex-wives and mothers to my children, but they would be ill received and I think against the law. I have to remember that part of my life is forever gone. Got a letter from my mother yesterday, she's coming to visit next week. I'm attending a spiritual writing workshop next week. Not much else going on. I wrote a new poem, if you can call it t hat, it's called "Corkboard of Escape"
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
Corkboard of Escape
In prison, when the day is done and you're locked down, there's not much to look at. In my cell it's just me, God, my television, and my prison issued corkboard where I get to hang my pictures. Every night I stare at it, my eyes wandering from picture to picture, taking in the smiles and the beautiful scenery. I lose myself in each frozen moment of time. I reminisce and meditate on friends, family and children and the moments I've had with them in my brief 32 years on this earth. Sometimes the memories are pleasant, filled with joy and happiness. Most of the time though they are just filled with longing sadness. I desperately grasp to hold on to the past happy memories but it's like trying to capture fog. My heart is going to burst, my guts turn inside-out, vertigo sets in as joy, love, loss and sorrow hit me in the same instant, washing over me, crushing me. It's the most exquisite suffering. My eyes well up and overflow with silent weeping and the world swims in lost focus while I wonder how one person can endure such suffering. Then I remember the suffering of Jesus. With a single shuddering inhalation, and lucid again, my eyes refocus on the bright silver tacks that hold memories in place. Thirty-three fish-eyed mirrors reflecting the same image back at me. Tiny unblinking eyes of God, showing a grown weeping man. Squinting to get a clearer view, I wonder "Who is that?" Husband? - Nope divorced twice. Father? Not anymore. Brother, son, nephew, grandson, friend? The answer is none of the above. It's just a sinner, a baffled stranger, even to myself, staring back. State issued corkboard of escape? Not today. Not this time. Fatigued, exhausted and drained He makes me lie down. It's not a green pasture, but it is a relief as I slip into coma sleep. He gives me peace and makes me sleep. And for that I am thankful.
Monday, May 5, 2008
5/5/08
What the hell is wrong with me? I bought tennis shoes, and been looking forward to going to outside rec. Well the night came and I chose to sit and what? WATCH T.V.! I am damaged goods, this proves it.
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