Liberation Prison Project [LPP] Intro Letter: 10-12-2007

My name is Heather. I am a teacher with the Liberation Prison Project and I have just received your most recent letter to us. I was happy to hear that you have an established Buddhist study group on Monday evenings. I want to say a few things about belonging to a Buddhist group and then I will address the questions you raised about your own group. I find it is helpful in my own practice to belong to a Buddhist group, or sangha, and to meet together so that we all have regular practice times. Belonging to a Buddhist sangha offers a lot of benefits to your practice; but basically it provides each member with the opportunity to both offer and receive support and encouragement. It can reinforce your commitment to your practice if you have made arrangements with others to meet at a certain time. It is also an opportunity to ask questions, study together, and talk about your understanding of Buddhist teachings with other people who are also interested in Buddhism. Now you mentioned a number of problems that you have encountered in your own situation and I will try and answer those each below.
First of all, you said that your Buddhist Study Group is scheduled for the same time as evening rec. I can see where this would be a definite conflict for other inmates and yourself. I am sure that you would all benefit from being able to be involved in both. I don't know if this is something you can try and change by working with prison staffer or not. But even if it isn't then you can still do your best to positively influence those around you. By this I mean a couple of things. First, you can encourage the interest of others. In addition to talking to anyone that expresses an interest, you could make up signs or flyers, as a way of giving out more information about your group and what you do. Second, the example you provide will say a lot about your practice to those around you. If they see that your practice affects your speech and your actions in a positive way that could spark an interest in others who are also looking for positive changes. Of course, ultimately you can only make decisions for yourself and others will also make their own choices.
You also mention that you have certain practices when you are alone but that when others are around it is more of a social meeting than a study or practice group. I can understand that. I remember when I first started practicing I was happy to bow to my Buddhist statue in the privacy of my own Buddhist room, but I was embarrassed and lacked the self confidence to perform these practices in front of anyone else. I think it must be especially difficult for you since you don't even have the opportunity to perform the more personal aspects of your practice with any privacy- even if you decided to do this outside of your group for now. Despite the fact that you have to share a cell due to overcrowding, I wonder if there are times when your cellmate is absent, that you could perform your prostrations or chanting? Is there a sympathetic staff member that you might be able to talk to about getting more privacy ror your practice given the circumstances? If there isn't anyone that can help you, and there isn't an alternative solution then you will have to decide if this is something that you want to continue to do. For example, maybe you would be more comfortable with these practices during your group time if others understood what they mean and why you perform them. I have asked for a pamphlet on prostrations to be sent to you. Hopefully this will be of some help, both to you in your own practice and in explaining it to others. I would be interested in hearing what you think of it.
I think organizing your time so that you can make the most out of your opportunities to study and practice is a great idea. I also think that developing a strong practice is something that evolves over time. You mention that you have included prostrations, chanting the heart sutra and meditating in your practice. These all sound good. In my own practice I find that I get the most benefit from it when I am able to "practice" throughout the day and not just on the cushion. For me, this means studying Buddhist books and sutras, talking to other people about Buddhist beliefs and ideas, chanting, meditating, developing compassion for others, and practicing mindful awareness. In our sangha we spend the first half of the group meditating and the second half taking turns reading a chapter from a Buddhist book. Then we have a discussion about our understanding of what the various ideas we have read mean to us in our lives, and in our practice. Maybe this is something that could work in your group?
I can also understand your confusion at having so many books to choose from. It can be hard to know where to begin. Of course this project is a part of the Tibetan tradition (The Ge lug sect in particular) And the advice we give comes from the perspective of this tradition. Regardless of this, I have always found the Dalai Lama's books to be insightful and full of compassion. If there are any of his books in the library there I would recommend starting with those. I think it is important to remember though, that all of the Buddhist books, regardless of tradition (I.e. Zen, Pure Land, Tibetan) will share a common message. They may have different rituals, practices and ways of expressing that message, and those differences could be confusing. That is why the Dalai Lama recommends choosing one path (or tradition) and sticking to that path. In some way its like knowing all the roads ahead of you will get you to the same city. You just have to stay on one long enough to get there. But if you walk just a little way (say down the Zen road) and then a little way (down the Pure Land Path) and a bit further (on the Tibetan road) you might find that you are walking a lot of different roads but not getting any closer to the city. Does that make sense?
At least that is true for some people. Other people really do seem to benefit from learning something about Tibetan Buddhism and then they might gain an important insight from a Zen practice and then they may continue to benefit from Tibetan practice again until they learn a little something more from Pureland. And so on. I think you will be able to best decide for yourself if you would like to read and follow only Tibetan teachings, or if you would like to follow a mainly Tibetan practice but enjoy reading the occasional book by another teacher in another tradition. From my own experience, I would say if you are just starting out that it might be best to stick to one road for now, and as you get more confident in your practice you will be able to better decide these things for yourself in the future.
You also comment in your letter.. ."I wish I could repay you for your kindness, but I am powerless in here." I would just like to say to that- that you are never powerless, wherever you are, and whatever situation you are in. And you always have something to give, even if it is just a kind word or a smile.
With Loving Kindness,
Heather

10/11/2007

Another day of laying bout. I forgot how slow time goes when you don't have a job. Slept all day till a headache woke me up. Went to afternoon rec and watched a pathetic softball game. I was going to call mom but she was just here and there is nothing really to say. Then I was going to call Mason (my brother) but he would be at work and I just sent him a letter 2 days ago. I had theology study class tonight. The other inmate, "C", was complaining he only gets to see his daughter once a week. Lord in heave I would literally cut off my left leg to be able to be a father again and see any of my kids, but yet I haven't written Kristy yet. Dang! They are hauling off my neighbor to the hole. I wonder what he did? Not my problem or business.
Well, shoot nothing else to report.

A Poem: Schism

Email in for a link to the website this is published on.

Schism
It's the most normal feeling in the world, like breathing.
It has always existed, like God.
This splitting, this tearing, this schism of...
(me) (mind) (soul)
Forever turning, revolving, flip flopping, like the wheel of karma.
I'm living in a Salvador Dali painting and reminiscing about autumn drives
through Spearfish Canyon; brief flashing reflections of beauty, color,
and love, on the windows of a hellish roller coaster.
Like the song says: "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
One minute knowing I am going home and everything will be the way it was.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
The next minute knowing I am going to rot and die in here.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A week of hearing a higher calling, of spreading the word and truth, helping
my fellow inmates to find peace.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A week of praying for a stroke, heart attack, falling asleep and not waking up.
A week's worth of altered children's prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord
my soul to keep. I pray I die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A month of peacefully numb acceptance.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A month of dark imaginings every time a plane skims the roof of the prison,
wishing it was 100 feet lower so it would end my nightmare.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Knowing God has a plan for me and to stay faithful.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Knowing that if Satan offered me back my life in return for my soul,
I wouldn't hesitate to sign on the dotted line.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held in my wife's loving arms.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held by straps in a padded cell.

I can't remember feeling any different.
I can't imagine feeling any different.
Breathe, Turn, Flip, Flop
Schism

Contributor's Notes...
[He] grew up in South Dakota, both east and west river. He is married, with three beautiful children. He has not seen any of them for almost two years.

10/10/2007

Well no work today. I don't start the chapel job till Monday and I' done with Braille. I slept and read on and off all day. I finished the Bourne Identity. It's nothing like the movie, but still good. I'm starting The Bourne Supremacy next. Got a new Sudoku book in the mail, I have enough puzzles to last me to the end of time. Watched a lot of TV tonight just zombied out. I really like Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman and Life.

10/9/2007

Holy crap I need to learn patience and to drown people out here. This dude on the tier above me has been yelling/conversing with someone else about 2 or 3 cells down. Literally every other word is F*&^k. Talking about "fags, niggers, chomos, fisting chicks, jews, and about every other ignorant, offensive thing you can think of. In fact he makes such a big deal about gay things and making comments about it, it makes me wonder about that saying about the more homophobic you are, the more gay and in the closet you are. Whatever, like I said, I need to learn more how to tune out. Well I showed up at the chapel for my new job, but was told I don't start 'till the 15th now. The chapel boss, Jennifer, said the shop manager for braille said I need to "finish a project." Like I said before the dude is a straight up liar. So I took my sweet time wandering over to braille. When I got there, I was told by one of the *inmate* supervisors that if I made up for the missed graphics for the last 2 weeks (7 graphics total) that I can leave. The manager didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. Gutless liar. I agree to the conditions then spoke to the planner who plan and hand out the graphics to the artists and had them give me 7 of the most ridiculously simple graphics. I kicked them out in no time and am now officially done. I wanted to verbally assault and cut down Pat on the way out but I remembered my anger/mindfulness exercises and just left. Now I'm not sure if I have the rest of the week off or go to work in the chapel tomorrow. Guess there is nothing to do but wait and see.

His letter ... 10/9/2007

Hey bro,
Well here are the first few days of the journal. I think I have to limit my mail to 5 pages per envelope, so that's why I have decided to send it now. I tried calling this weekend, but just left a voice mail. Thank you so much for the subscription to BuddhaDharma, I'm looking forward to the first issue. Mom was here this weekend, we had a great visit. Not much else to say that you can't read in the journal. Please spell check it when typing it so I don't look like a complete idiot. I've kept it completely honest and sometimes that may be shocking or disturbing at times, but I want it to be real. I've changed names where I thought appropriate. Please include my real name and prison # and address in case family and friends want to write, and sugar-mamma's, just kidding, kinda. (ha ha!) I love you little brother and thanks for doing this and everything else.

-Love
[brother]

10/8/2007

Well I told myself that this journal would be honest and bullshit free. About 30 minutes ago I had what I can only assume is an anxiety or panic attack. I don't have them often. They only seem to come when I strip away the distractions of reading, TV, or the literally 100 other things I use to keep my mind busy. I was looking at all the pictures I have when I started sweating and my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Bad cliche but accurate. Everything was accompanied by a twisting sinking knot in my stomach. Sort of like a cross of pre-vomit jitters and love sick nervousness. I couldn't breath and I wasn't completely dizzy but it felt like the start of dizziness, like being on one of those merry-go-rounds in parks for just a hair too long. It only lated 15 minutes or so but I still feel the stomach jitters. Like I said, they don't happen very often about once a week or so. Now I'm writing this while watching (and not paying attention to) Aniemonday of the Sci-Fi channel, but really just day dreaming, thinking what to write to Kirsty, composing it all in my head but to scared to actually put it on paper. God I'm a coward. Really. Cowards know they are cowards but can't seem to do anything about it. at least that's what i think. Paralyzing fear. God I'm so messed up. Nothing really exciting today. It's a holiday so there was Bingo, I didn't win anything. Went to Buddhist Study/Meditation group and didn't meditate just organized the library. Found a couple of books, that I check out. Not that I have enough (at last count 27!) to read. I'll get to them eventually. Nothing but time. Later.

10/7/2007

Well another day wasted. Theron came up to visit and that's always good. People are restless tonight banging and yelling. I went to rec outside this afternoon. It was freezing. I tried to call my brother but no answer. I also had to take another UA this afternoon. Pissed me off because they claim its random but it is the second one I've done in 2 weeks. It will never be dirty and I have trouble going "on demand." Nothing else to report. Later.

10/6/2007

Good day today. Woke up refreshed and full of energy. Cleaned my whole cell with bleach. Mom came up to visit again this afternoon after visiting Kristy and Kaden. She says Kristy looks very good and has lost weight. Kaden was chatty as usual and told "grandma" all about Kindergarten. She says he lost a bottom tooth over at Bonnie's house, so now his two bottom teeth are missing. I miss him so much it literally hurts. It feels like an icicle stabbing through my solar plexus. Kristy has had a hysterectomy and her older sister is dying of cancer. So much pain and suffering she has endured these 2 years I've been locked up. I wish I wasn't such a complete asshole to her before being arrested. Those 4 months we were separated because first of the allegations and later because she didn't want to be with me anymore, were MORE painful to me than being in prison now. I took that hurt and just turned on her. Treating her like shit refusing to help pay the bills, our bills, absolutely no kind of support what-so-ever. The few times she visited me in county jail were awkward and a hassle because of a squirmy 2 year old /3 year old Kaden. She stopped coming and it crushed me. I haven't seen or heard from them directly since. Kristy has had to file for bankruptcy on top of everything else and mom says that she even had warrants out for her for outstanding bills. I feel so low and horrible that is all because of me. God please help me, I still love her and long to see her but how could I ever ask her to forgive me? The verbal or literal slap in the face would be well deserved, but I think it would be my undoing. Kristy told mom this visit (after mom took picture) that if I wanted pictures of Kaden and to be a part of his life that i needed to go through her (Kristy). I twas the most wonderful, hopeful, fearful, stab of emotion I have ever felt. Maybe, just maybe, I can still be a part of my songs life. I am so afraid. Afraid of what to say to Kirsty and afraid of what she will say back, but mostly afraid that she won't write back or respond in any way; that she only said that to get my mother off her back. God help me! The combo of hope and fear is too much, I can't stop weeping. Got to go.

10/5/2007

What a roller coaster day. Started out normal and I was feeling pretty good all day knowing it was my last day at braille. Then 3pm hit and the shop manager said that since I didn't meet my graphic quota for the week that he is holding me there for another week. I blew up at him and told him... blah blah. You know what is it doesn't matter. Just know that Pat, the shop manager, is a liar. This isn't a inmate vs. "the man" bull shit; us vs. them. He is literally a liar and takes pleasure in making inmates suffer more. There are special places in hell for people who go out of their way to torment the downtrodden. The day ended on a good note with my mom *and* Erin visiting tonight. Erin is about to burst she is so pregnant! Still extremely adorable though. She is such a beautiful person, both on the outside (physically) and even more so on the inside. What great friends I have! Mom looks good and it was great to see her. I found out that she wasn't mat at me and not to mail back the books to her. We had a good time visiting and she'll be back up tomorrow. Nothing on TV tonight so I can finally catch up on my reading.
Goodnight

10/4/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing at work. No personal mail. Shipped out all my legal mail to my Dad. I had systematic theology class tonight. That's always interesting. Paster Steve is very smart. I like taking his course and stretching my brain. Looking forward to seeing mom. Hope she comes up tomorrow night AND this weekend. Well pretty tired, going to bed.

10/3/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing exciting except mason subscribed to BuddhaDharma magazine for me. That's awesome! Theron put $25 in my account like I asked him. That was before I knew mom was going to put in money also. I'll put it to good use though. I think I'll buys a hot-pot so I can have hot water all the time. I'm still waiting for the $10 to be sent in from the brother of "Bob" (inmate). I loaned him $5 in coin like 3 weeks ago and he is now overdue by a week. If it doesn't come by Friday, I'm juicing him for more. Either coin of food. Now I know not to lend to him again. Kinda sad tonight. I've been thinking a lot about my kids and Kristy. I feel if I could just have some kind of correspondence with Kristy and Kaden this place and my life would be bearable.