A Poem: Schism

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Schism
It's the most normal feeling in the world, like breathing.
It has always existed, like God.
This splitting, this tearing, this schism of...
(me) (mind) (soul)
Forever turning, revolving, flip flopping, like the wheel of karma.
I'm living in a Salvador Dali painting and reminiscing about autumn drives
through Spearfish Canyon; brief flashing reflections of beauty, color,
and love, on the windows of a hellish roller coaster.
Like the song says: "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
One minute knowing I am going home and everything will be the way it was.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
The next minute knowing I am going to rot and die in here.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A week of hearing a higher calling, of spreading the word and truth, helping
my fellow inmates to find peace.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A week of praying for a stroke, heart attack, falling asleep and not waking up.
A week's worth of altered children's prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord
my soul to keep. I pray I die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take."
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
A month of peacefully numb acceptance.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
A month of dark imaginings every time a plane skims the roof of the prison,
wishing it was 100 feet lower so it would end my nightmare.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Knowing God has a plan for me and to stay faithful.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Knowing that if Satan offered me back my life in return for my soul,
I wouldn't hesitate to sign on the dotted line.
(breathe) (turn) (flip)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held in my wife's loving arms.
(breathe) (turn) (flop)
Waiting to wake up to find myself being held by straps in a padded cell.

I can't remember feeling any different.
I can't imagine feeling any different.
Breathe, Turn, Flip, Flop
Schism

Contributor's Notes...
[He] grew up in South Dakota, both east and west river. He is married, with three beautiful children. He has not seen any of them for almost two years.

10/10/2007

Well no work today. I don't start the chapel job till Monday and I' done with Braille. I slept and read on and off all day. I finished the Bourne Identity. It's nothing like the movie, but still good. I'm starting The Bourne Supremacy next. Got a new Sudoku book in the mail, I have enough puzzles to last me to the end of time. Watched a lot of TV tonight just zombied out. I really like Pushing Daisies, Bionic Woman and Life.

10/9/2007

Holy crap I need to learn patience and to drown people out here. This dude on the tier above me has been yelling/conversing with someone else about 2 or 3 cells down. Literally every other word is F*&^k. Talking about "fags, niggers, chomos, fisting chicks, jews, and about every other ignorant, offensive thing you can think of. In fact he makes such a big deal about gay things and making comments about it, it makes me wonder about that saying about the more homophobic you are, the more gay and in the closet you are. Whatever, like I said, I need to learn more how to tune out. Well I showed up at the chapel for my new job, but was told I don't start 'till the 15th now. The chapel boss, Jennifer, said the shop manager for braille said I need to "finish a project." Like I said before the dude is a straight up liar. So I took my sweet time wandering over to braille. When I got there, I was told by one of the *inmate* supervisors that if I made up for the missed graphics for the last 2 weeks (7 graphics total) that I can leave. The manager didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. Gutless liar. I agree to the conditions then spoke to the planner who plan and hand out the graphics to the artists and had them give me 7 of the most ridiculously simple graphics. I kicked them out in no time and am now officially done. I wanted to verbally assault and cut down Pat on the way out but I remembered my anger/mindfulness exercises and just left. Now I'm not sure if I have the rest of the week off or go to work in the chapel tomorrow. Guess there is nothing to do but wait and see.

His letter ... 10/9/2007

Hey bro,
Well here are the first few days of the journal. I think I have to limit my mail to 5 pages per envelope, so that's why I have decided to send it now. I tried calling this weekend, but just left a voice mail. Thank you so much for the subscription to BuddhaDharma, I'm looking forward to the first issue. Mom was here this weekend, we had a great visit. Not much else to say that you can't read in the journal. Please spell check it when typing it so I don't look like a complete idiot. I've kept it completely honest and sometimes that may be shocking or disturbing at times, but I want it to be real. I've changed names where I thought appropriate. Please include my real name and prison # and address in case family and friends want to write, and sugar-mamma's, just kidding, kinda. (ha ha!) I love you little brother and thanks for doing this and everything else.

-Love
[brother]

10/8/2007

Well I told myself that this journal would be honest and bullshit free. About 30 minutes ago I had what I can only assume is an anxiety or panic attack. I don't have them often. They only seem to come when I strip away the distractions of reading, TV, or the literally 100 other things I use to keep my mind busy. I was looking at all the pictures I have when I started sweating and my heart was pounding like it was going to explode. Bad cliche but accurate. Everything was accompanied by a twisting sinking knot in my stomach. Sort of like a cross of pre-vomit jitters and love sick nervousness. I couldn't breath and I wasn't completely dizzy but it felt like the start of dizziness, like being on one of those merry-go-rounds in parks for just a hair too long. It only lated 15 minutes or so but I still feel the stomach jitters. Like I said, they don't happen very often about once a week or so. Now I'm writing this while watching (and not paying attention to) Aniemonday of the Sci-Fi channel, but really just day dreaming, thinking what to write to Kirsty, composing it all in my head but to scared to actually put it on paper. God I'm a coward. Really. Cowards know they are cowards but can't seem to do anything about it. at least that's what i think. Paralyzing fear. God I'm so messed up. Nothing really exciting today. It's a holiday so there was Bingo, I didn't win anything. Went to Buddhist Study/Meditation group and didn't meditate just organized the library. Found a couple of books, that I check out. Not that I have enough (at last count 27!) to read. I'll get to them eventually. Nothing but time. Later.

10/7/2007

Well another day wasted. Theron came up to visit and that's always good. People are restless tonight banging and yelling. I went to rec outside this afternoon. It was freezing. I tried to call my brother but no answer. I also had to take another UA this afternoon. Pissed me off because they claim its random but it is the second one I've done in 2 weeks. It will never be dirty and I have trouble going "on demand." Nothing else to report. Later.

10/6/2007

Good day today. Woke up refreshed and full of energy. Cleaned my whole cell with bleach. Mom came up to visit again this afternoon after visiting Kristy and Kaden. She says Kristy looks very good and has lost weight. Kaden was chatty as usual and told "grandma" all about Kindergarten. She says he lost a bottom tooth over at Bonnie's house, so now his two bottom teeth are missing. I miss him so much it literally hurts. It feels like an icicle stabbing through my solar plexus. Kristy has had a hysterectomy and her older sister is dying of cancer. So much pain and suffering she has endured these 2 years I've been locked up. I wish I wasn't such a complete asshole to her before being arrested. Those 4 months we were separated because first of the allegations and later because she didn't want to be with me anymore, were MORE painful to me than being in prison now. I took that hurt and just turned on her. Treating her like shit refusing to help pay the bills, our bills, absolutely no kind of support what-so-ever. The few times she visited me in county jail were awkward and a hassle because of a squirmy 2 year old /3 year old Kaden. She stopped coming and it crushed me. I haven't seen or heard from them directly since. Kristy has had to file for bankruptcy on top of everything else and mom says that she even had warrants out for her for outstanding bills. I feel so low and horrible that is all because of me. God please help me, I still love her and long to see her but how could I ever ask her to forgive me? The verbal or literal slap in the face would be well deserved, but I think it would be my undoing. Kristy told mom this visit (after mom took picture) that if I wanted pictures of Kaden and to be a part of his life that i needed to go through her (Kristy). I twas the most wonderful, hopeful, fearful, stab of emotion I have ever felt. Maybe, just maybe, I can still be a part of my songs life. I am so afraid. Afraid of what to say to Kirsty and afraid of what she will say back, but mostly afraid that she won't write back or respond in any way; that she only said that to get my mother off her back. God help me! The combo of hope and fear is too much, I can't stop weeping. Got to go.

10/5/2007

What a roller coaster day. Started out normal and I was feeling pretty good all day knowing it was my last day at braille. Then 3pm hit and the shop manager said that since I didn't meet my graphic quota for the week that he is holding me there for another week. I blew up at him and told him... blah blah. You know what is it doesn't matter. Just know that Pat, the shop manager, is a liar. This isn't a inmate vs. "the man" bull shit; us vs. them. He is literally a liar and takes pleasure in making inmates suffer more. There are special places in hell for people who go out of their way to torment the downtrodden. The day ended on a good note with my mom *and* Erin visiting tonight. Erin is about to burst she is so pregnant! Still extremely adorable though. She is such a beautiful person, both on the outside (physically) and even more so on the inside. What great friends I have! Mom looks good and it was great to see her. I found out that she wasn't mat at me and not to mail back the books to her. We had a good time visiting and she'll be back up tomorrow. Nothing on TV tonight so I can finally catch up on my reading.
Goodnight

10/4/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing at work. No personal mail. Shipped out all my legal mail to my Dad. I had systematic theology class tonight. That's always interesting. Paster Steve is very smart. I like taking his course and stretching my brain. Looking forward to seeing mom. Hope she comes up tomorrow night AND this weekend. Well pretty tired, going to bed.

10/3/2007

Pretty boring day. Nothing exciting except mason subscribed to BuddhaDharma magazine for me. That's awesome! Theron put $25 in my account like I asked him. That was before I knew mom was going to put in money also. I'll put it to good use though. I think I'll buys a hot-pot so I can have hot water all the time. I'm still waiting for the $10 to be sent in from the brother of "Bob" (inmate). I loaned him $5 in coin like 3 weeks ago and he is now overdue by a week. If it doesn't come by Friday, I'm juicing him for more. Either coin of food. Now I know not to lend to him again. Kinda sad tonight. I've been thinking a lot about my kids and Kristy. I feel if I could just have some kind of correspondence with Kristy and Kaden this place and my life would be bearable.

10/2/2007

In a great joy of a mood and with good mood comes energy and another journal entry. I've been bummed out lately but today I got a lot of mail! Yeah! I got a letter form Dad and not only did he write but also sent money (personal check) so I can't have it, but it is the thought that counts. He says he is going to start sending $25/month which would ease my condition up here tremendously! More importantly he filled out the visitation paperwork which means he can now visit me if he wants! Good Lord, how I miss him and would love to see him. On top of all that I received a letter and pictures form Mom. There was some beautiful shots of the bay area, great shots of my brother and mom, and some depressingly similar shots of Alcatraz. Weird that the tiered living cells look so similar, but maybe all prisons look like that, I wouldn't know. Mom says she will be here this weekend and I that's awesome! Visits and mail really lift my spirits. On top of that family letters mom also put in $20 in my account. Such a trivial amount in the real world (outside) but it means so much to me in that it takes me over 3 weeks of work to make that amount. It was good to hear from Mom, I was worried she was mad at me. I wrote her almost 2 months ago and was doing some major venting about this place and how they denied me some books she sent me. Looking back it might have come across like I was upset at her, which wasn't the case at all. I'll apologize in person this weekend. Other than the mail, I found out today that I get to drink *real* coffee at my new job starting next week. So much better than the freeze-dried stuff. With mom visiting and an inmate friend of mine making a cream-cheese cake with the cream cheese I've been giving him from my breakfast, this might be a good weekend. Well my show (Reaper) is starting soon. Write later.

10/1/2007

Well this is the first day of writing in my journal. I will try to do it everyday no matter how boring. Tired today, I couldn't seem to get awake no matter how much coffee I drank. Work at braille was the usual. Boring and the shop boss is a complete tool. Pat (boss) made a point to tell everyone that they "have" to wear their tan shirts starting Oct 1 (today). Everyone has seen it posted for the last week. He made a point to search me and pat me down before lunch. I think he suspects that I'm going to take things from the shop since it is my last week there. He's right. I might as well make some can-cash (aka tokens) selling some stuff. Had Buddhist study group tonight. if you can call it that. It has been just me and another inmate for the last 3 months. The last 3 weeks we haven't even meditated because the Muslims are in our usual spot. I left early and returned to my cell and watched TV. Chuck (funny show), Heros, Journeyman, and Animonday. I would like ot sleep but the natives are restless tonight. Half are watching baseball and the other half is listening to the football game. Anytime anything, and I mean *anything* happens in the game everybody yells and ponds their lockers. It's very loud. Well I better try to get some rest. I hope tomorrow i get some mail. It is really the only part I look forward to int he day (mail pass out). Well that and visits, but I only seem to get them on the weekends.
Goodnight.