9/29/2008

In my age of concrete, I am anything but. I offer no support, no stability, no foundation. My friends and family suffer and reach out. I'm nothing, a mist, an ethereal body perpetually oozing suffering to all around me. Even when not tainting the people I love I have no ability to comfort or console but only whisper prayers alone in my cell. But who hears? The suffering only continues for everyone.

9/24/2008

Well another busy day and by busy I mean more than one thing that needs to be done a day. I had my theeth cleaning finished (by the same vomit girl) and she was fine today. I also finally moved to the south side of the East hall where it is much quieter. I can still hear the north side from here if that tells you how noisy it is over there. On another plus side is the fact Ithat I'm at the end of the tier so there is absolutely no traffic except people coing to see me. Wow! What a blessing! It really is a pain in the butt to move but hopefully this will be the last time for a long, long while. I found out today that I have to take pictures at a muslim special holiday event. It pissed me off at first since the holiday is on a thursday night and I'll have to miss my theology class, but I got over it quickly when I  found out that I get to partake in th eir feast which includes real steak gyros with all the fiings (jalapeno poppers and strawberry cheese cake!) REAL FOOD! Shit, I'd convert to Islam if I got to eat like that on a regular basis! Ha ha! It's weird though, food commercials are more arousing than hot chicks on T.V. I'm a fat man and food ads are my porn! Ha! If I had a choice between a deep dish pizza and a hot brunette? Hmm... PIZZA!

9/23/2008

I went to the dentist today for a cleaning. It's like a 8 month waiting list once you sign up for it, so even though inconvenient, I went. I quickly realized that the inmates are Guinea pigs for second year students. So while I'm in a very compromising position this kid (seriously) is poking around my mouth and naturally I start to taste blood. I don't know if it was my bleeding gums, the heat or her nerves but she lost it. Seriously. She announced she was going to faint and then ran to the bathroom (which isn't far away) and threw up. Well I felt bad, not that it's my fault, but the other two inmates thought this was the funniest thing EVER! And what could only be descried as half choking/gagging and half laughing I could tell they couldn't wait to have the other students fingers removed from their mouths so they could make wise cracks. Sure enough comments were made to the absent vomiting female student and several were made about my breath and condition of my teeth. I was excused and told my cleaning will be finished tomorrow, end of story, right? WRONG! To my surpirse the new traveled through the Lifetime Network (the name I give the gossiping lifers here) and received a slap on the back accompanied with what insults, jokes, comments you can think of. I didn't take it personally, there is so little humor in here, that you have to learn to take the laughs when you can. What a day! You can't make this stuff up! Nothing really else new here. A couple of fights today, one close enough I had to clean my cell bars of blood splatter. Yuck! The fights have become so common that I don't really pay attention anymore. This one went right by my cell and worked its way down the tier. I glanced up, noted I needed to clean my bars and went back to reading.

9/17/2008

All the theological studies, meditation and praying and I still caught myself lying today. About a week ago a member of cornerstone prison fellowship church and one of the "outsiders" who came in on a regular basis died. Dick (that's the fellow's name) had a long life, I think he wan in his 80's but he died suddenly when the tractor tire he was changing blew up. I really didn't know him, shook his hand when I went to Friday Church, and yet when I'm asked if I knew him well, I say "Yes, he was a good and kind man." I wonder why I feel the need to lie? Am I so desperate for real human connection that I cling to a fake friendship of a dead man?

9/14/2008

Toes grip and cling, hanging over the ledge of the highest cliff I've ever seen. Actually I don't know if it is high or not because staring down, I can see nothing but black. Not a nighttime black, but a lack of everything black, a hole devoid of anything, so devoid of anything that my eyes swim and flex in and out of focus trying, straining to fixate on anything at all. I have to will them to relax and not strain. There's no fear when I stare down, I know the ground is firm, I know there is no wind or anything else that puts me in jeopardy of falling forward. I am alone and inf act feel nothing. No joy, no sadness, no anticipation, no disappointment, nothing, just blank. I call down to the void "Hello? Is anybody there? Hello?" No answer, no echo, the blackness even voids my voice swallows all sound. No frustration of disappointment I do an about-face and start walking away from the cliff and void. The land is flat and dry... no color, well gray if that's a color, the light around me is an ambient light having no direct source. I walk and walk and eventually wake up in my cell. That is the dream I've had for about four nights now. NO changes, nothing added or different night after night. Starts at the cliff and ends with me walking.

Quote of the week:

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and kindles of fire."
- La Rochefaoucauld (1613-1680)

9/13/2008

Weird dreams for a while now. Probably the food here. Nothing but starches, carbs and junk food. Waiting for my anime shows to start. I'm glad that my shows are starting up again soon. Chuck, The Office, Heroes, Pushing Daisies. I need a TiVo, will someone out there petition the prison for TiVo? I can't neglect my reading and studies though, if it comes down to studies and T.V. I'll unplug the T.V.