Sunday, April 27, 2008
4/27/2008
Theron visited today. It's always a loud, fun, geeky conversation, and I love him all the more for it. I was getting ready for bed and wondering what I was going to get my mom (if anything) for mothers day, (I've been prayerfully wondering this for a few weeks now) when I 'm struck with an answer and guided to write the letter to her now. I just got done and it took me about 2 hours to look everything up and to write everything out. I have to say in all seriousness that my hand and mind have never been more out of my control and guided by God as tonight. It's wonderful and extremely spooky. I'm completely amped up still and am wondering if I'll even be able to sleep tonight. I figured I'll write one more jounral entry before I send this batch off to my brother to post on the blog. Tomorrow I'll typu p the letter to mom (so she can actually read it) and put in a notice to send off her gift even though it's a couple of weeks early. Good night.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
4/26/2008
3:40am
Woke up with weird dreams. The worse kind, the ones that shine a big bright spotlight on how you truly feel and what you truly think and what you yearn and hope for. I literally woke up with my heart pounding and aching and my gut clenching and flip-flopping. And as I sat/lie there, thinking about everything in the dream, I came to the harsh brick wall of reality. I'm never going to have freedom again, never going to be part of my children's lives again, never going to experience true wholesome love for a woman, and if I do it is for the wrong person at the wrong time and will go unanswered or worse yet, laying it out there with "I truly deeply love and care for you" and her replying with "Um, yea, thanks." The relationships I have with the rest of my family is strained and hard at the best of times. Like I said, through the mist of delusion, (which I think every inmate clings to because what else is there) through the fog of hope and the constant mantra "I can have these things, my life is going to get better" being internally recited by the second, truly believed, the slap in the face, icy grip of clarity, of reality blows it all away. I'm left with truth. The truth is... I'm not getting out of prison, never will have a "normal "life again, well you get the picture, the nevers go on for quite a while, a perpetual list of will nots, cannots, nevers. But what hit me hardest for the first time, is just how empty and pointless my life, my existence is, once the fog and mist is blown away. Truthfully there is no more purpose for me (if there ever was) anymore. Look... I'm not being "poor me, I can't go on" emotional Dr. Phil shit here; I'm talking cold, hard facts and logic. Although the emotional part came up in the process of coming to this conclusion, but I'll get to that later.
4:15am
Lets start with me being in prison, for the rest of my life. I serve no purpose being here. I'm not helping other inmates in anyway, the tax payers have to pay to have me sit here and od nothing productive for society, I'm an emotional burdon on the people who still care for me. At the best ruining their day and thoughts as I pop into their mind and they think, poor so-in-so, how did this happen, why is this happening, etc... At the worst I add a sense of guilty obligation and forced emotional responses like "I really should write him", "I really should visit him", etc...
No purpose or psitive vibes helping those people, coming from me, nothing, just mental, emotional, physical and financial burdons. In fact, in the case of my family, it's even worse. The family is divided with hostility, animosity and pain. Sister against sister, Aunts again cousins, even my own children against the rest of the family. I'm the bogus variable fucking up the equation. I'm a dirty remainder that's holding everybody, holding the equation back. Well, some people will respond and say the equation won't be fixed until the truth comes out, wrongs are righted, things are put back to what they were. But that is exactly my point people! That's part of the mist, the fog, the inmate and now your delusion. The equation has already been written out, the damage is done, there is no going back to "normal."
4:30am
The only way "to deal" with the equation now is to address the remainder. When doing long division and you've got that remainder hanging out there and the teacher wants an answer that's neat and tidy with no remainder, you've got two options. One is to lop it off and give the whole number answer and the other is to either round up or down. But in both the remainder is eliminated. I don't want to be eliminated. Like I said, the false hope and wishing is there, I'm an inmate (remainder), I have the inmate's delusions. So I cried, I bawled, I prayed for God to push these thoughts from my head, asked Him to at least give me a glimpse of His plan for me and was answered or at least the only thing that popped in my head over and over is the analogy I gave you above! So what now? I'll keep doing what I have been doing. Praying, meditating, writing about everything that comes up. Trying to figure out what to do with the remainder, searching for another possible answer, maybe. For now, I'm going back to sleep and pray I don 't have any more dreams. I rather have dreamless coma sleep than false hope delusional dream sleep. Good-night.
5:30pm
Erin visited today. My friend, my guardian angel. I spoke to her about my thoughts and the conclusion I came to. I explained every detail to her. This angel, this voice of God. Her glaring honesty, her precise addressing of the issue didn't so much convince me that I've gotten it all wrong as to more like shed light on where the thoughts come from to begin with and offering a counter-equation of more prayer, reflection and thought on the subject. There were times during the conversation looking into each other's eyes that I wanted to ask "who are you", "what are you ", "who is speaking to me." It gave me shivers and brought tears to my eyes. I break down more in front of Erin, than anyone else in my entire life. I say things and let the facade drop when I am alone in her presence. Her will, her angelic light, her sword penetrates all separates the chaff from the wheat. She is truly in God and I am humbled by her and love her very deeply. I have no words to express the gratitude I have for her being in my life. As much comfort as she gave me today and the help she provided, God's will, my purpose is still hidden and I'm still not sure the remainder should be dealt with.
10:30pm
End of the day. Going to watch my anime shows maybe that will distract me. I've been having anxiety most of the night.
Woke up with weird dreams. The worse kind, the ones that shine a big bright spotlight on how you truly feel and what you truly think and what you yearn and hope for. I literally woke up with my heart pounding and aching and my gut clenching and flip-flopping. And as I sat/lie there, thinking about everything in the dream, I came to the harsh brick wall of reality. I'm never going to have freedom again, never going to be part of my children's lives again, never going to experience true wholesome love for a woman, and if I do it is for the wrong person at the wrong time and will go unanswered or worse yet, laying it out there with "I truly deeply love and care for you" and her replying with "Um, yea, thanks." The relationships I have with the rest of my family is strained and hard at the best of times. Like I said, through the mist of delusion, (which I think every inmate clings to because what else is there) through the fog of hope and the constant mantra "I can have these things, my life is going to get better" being internally recited by the second, truly believed, the slap in the face, icy grip of clarity, of reality blows it all away. I'm left with truth. The truth is... I'm not getting out of prison, never will have a "normal "life again, well you get the picture, the nevers go on for quite a while, a perpetual list of will nots, cannots, nevers. But what hit me hardest for the first time, is just how empty and pointless my life, my existence is, once the fog and mist is blown away. Truthfully there is no more purpose for me (if there ever was) anymore. Look... I'm not being "poor me, I can't go on" emotional Dr. Phil shit here; I'm talking cold, hard facts and logic. Although the emotional part came up in the process of coming to this conclusion, but I'll get to that later.
4:15am
Lets start with me being in prison, for the rest of my life. I serve no purpose being here. I'm not helping other inmates in anyway, the tax payers have to pay to have me sit here and od nothing productive for society, I'm an emotional burdon on the people who still care for me. At the best ruining their day and thoughts as I pop into their mind and they think, poor so-in-so, how did this happen, why is this happening, etc... At the worst I add a sense of guilty obligation and forced emotional responses like "I really should write him", "I really should visit him", etc...
No purpose or psitive vibes helping those people, coming from me, nothing, just mental, emotional, physical and financial burdons. In fact, in the case of my family, it's even worse. The family is divided with hostility, animosity and pain. Sister against sister, Aunts again cousins, even my own children against the rest of the family. I'm the bogus variable fucking up the equation. I'm a dirty remainder that's holding everybody, holding the equation back. Well, some people will respond and say the equation won't be fixed until the truth comes out, wrongs are righted, things are put back to what they were. But that is exactly my point people! That's part of the mist, the fog, the inmate and now your delusion. The equation has already been written out, the damage is done, there is no going back to "normal."
4:30am
The only way "to deal" with the equation now is to address the remainder. When doing long division and you've got that remainder hanging out there and the teacher wants an answer that's neat and tidy with no remainder, you've got two options. One is to lop it off and give the whole number answer and the other is to either round up or down. But in both the remainder is eliminated. I don't want to be eliminated. Like I said, the false hope and wishing is there, I'm an inmate (remainder), I have the inmate's delusions. So I cried, I bawled, I prayed for God to push these thoughts from my head, asked Him to at least give me a glimpse of His plan for me and was answered or at least the only thing that popped in my head over and over is the analogy I gave you above! So what now? I'll keep doing what I have been doing. Praying, meditating, writing about everything that comes up. Trying to figure out what to do with the remainder, searching for another possible answer, maybe. For now, I'm going back to sleep and pray I don 't have any more dreams. I rather have dreamless coma sleep than false hope delusional dream sleep. Good-night.
5:30pm
Erin visited today. My friend, my guardian angel. I spoke to her about my thoughts and the conclusion I came to. I explained every detail to her. This angel, this voice of God. Her glaring honesty, her precise addressing of the issue didn't so much convince me that I've gotten it all wrong as to more like shed light on where the thoughts come from to begin with and offering a counter-equation of more prayer, reflection and thought on the subject. There were times during the conversation looking into each other's eyes that I wanted to ask "who are you", "what are you ", "who is speaking to me." It gave me shivers and brought tears to my eyes. I break down more in front of Erin, than anyone else in my entire life. I say things and let the facade drop when I am alone in her presence. Her will, her angelic light, her sword penetrates all separates the chaff from the wheat. She is truly in God and I am humbled by her and love her very deeply. I have no words to express the gratitude I have for her being in my life. As much comfort as she gave me today and the help she provided, God's will, my purpose is still hidden and I'm still not sure the remainder should be dealt with.
10:30pm
End of the day. Going to watch my anime shows maybe that will distract me. I've been having anxiety most of the night.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
4/24/2008
I've had a headache for the past 4 days straight. The intensity varies but it's always there. So I went to health services and got the same response of get more sleep (I sleep almost all the time when not working), drink more water and buy some Tylenol and ibuprofen off the commissary. Strike one.
Then the request I sent in to see the shrink 3 weeks ago finally got answered and I got to talk to the new counselor (rumored to actually listen and care) only to be handed journaling paperwork and a time sheet of what I do and how I feel throughout the day. Then she told me to come back in two weeks. Strike two.
To top it all off, a guy that used to do my job in the chapel is back in prison (mister popularity, if you can believe that around here) and is gunning to get his job back, so I'll have to watch my back with everything Set-ups are not uncommon around here. Strike three.
Not a good day, with the headache, depression and paranoia.
Then the request I sent in to see the shrink 3 weeks ago finally got answered and I got to talk to the new counselor (rumored to actually listen and care) only to be handed journaling paperwork and a time sheet of what I do and how I feel throughout the day. Then she told me to come back in two weeks. Strike two.
To top it all off, a guy that used to do my job in the chapel is back in prison (mister popularity, if you can believe that around here) and is gunning to get his job back, so I'll have to watch my back with everything Set-ups are not uncommon around here. Strike three.
Not a good day, with the headache, depression and paranoia.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
4/20/2008
A lot of day dreaming today. False hopes that are equally beautiful and painful. Two day dreams really, both of places I would like to live. One, a cabin in the woods, bare necessities. The other one is living on a house boat or whatever they're called when you can go out to sea and come and dock when you need to. Both of the dreams I'm alone, quiet is the norm and alone. Pure bliss. Nothing but ringing silence, the essentials and God. I'm a cave dweller at heart, I think. So after the daydreams I looked up alone in my concordance and found nothing, also nothing out of solitude. But under "quiet" I found 1... Thessalonian 4:11-12. He has spoken to me so often and clearly the last few days, it's scary. At least it would be if it didn't always bring me peace and reassuring warmth. People are goig to think me crazy, don't care.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
4/19/2008
This week went fast. Scary fast. I guess the days, weeks, years seem to run together when you do the same thing day in and day out. Spoke to my brother a few days ago. I've been replaying some of the conversation I had with my mother when she was here last week. She said something about certain relatives of mine who want to visit or write me. I think that is about the cruelest thing a person could do to my mother. Pay her kindness and warmth when she visits, make her promises and give her false hopes that they care about me. Lip service is just a fancy word for lying. The relatives and friends that have written, or spoken with me and given true comfort to my brother, mother and father are truly walking the path. Anyone doing the other is just causing more harm than good. It doesn't do so much harm to me because I'm used to it. I see the pain on people's face everyday. I hear the cries every night. The wives leaving, the parents abandoning, the friends and family members who write off the inmate. You want to find out who really loves you, really cares? Go to prison, you find out fast. But like I said it doesn't really bother me, I think it is doubly cruel to string along others that still have hope like my mother and brother. I'm not talking about people who give general comfort to them that I don't know. I'm talking about my own flesh and blood relatives that give lip service and comfort only when she visits and the go back to living their "Christian" lives. I know better Christians here in prison, I see better examples of living like Christ for God than I see in my own family. So I would only ask them to stop and leave them with examples of some scripture. I don't need to name them, they know who they are.
I do not judge them, for who am I to judge anyone. I pray and weep and am truly frightened for them. I rejoice and praise God in thanks to the inmate who has confessed and reported and walks the true path in both word and deed. I read and reread Matthew 7:15-23 and weep for those that walk that path for they are truly lost and think they are saved.
Psalm 26:4-5;
Mathew 23:28;
Peter 2:1;
Luke 6:42
I do not judge them, for who am I to judge anyone. I pray and weep and am truly frightened for them. I rejoice and praise God in thanks to the inmate who has confessed and reported and walks the true path in both word and deed. I read and reread Matthew 7:15-23 and weep for those that walk that path for they are truly lost and think they are saved.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
4/13/2008
Mom and aunt visited today. It was good to see them. Mom said she's going to visit more tomorrow. Well, not much else going on.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
4/10/2008
Not much going on here. Got some late snow today. Mom was supposed to come visit but I don't know if she'll make it now. My Mala/prayer beads arrived a couple of days ago. They are made of onyx and has a black tassel. There are 27 beads and the Buddha bead holding the tassel. Here are soma haiku I've written since getting them.
Prayer Beads In My Hand
Compassion Mantra on Lips or (Compassion Mantra in Mind)
The tassle Keeps Count
Clicking Black Prayer Beads
Gentle Caress of Tassle
Only Loving Touch
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
4/2/08
Saw in the paper that my ex-sister-in-law has been in a car crash. I hope she is O.K. I am sending her a card. I have to send it to my now ex-wife. I've written her before but never get a response. I hope she (ex-in-law) gets it. I still very much care for the entire family.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
4/1/2008
It has been the most busiest lazy days the last two days. I'm supposed to be extremely part time this week so I can watch the Battlestar Glactica marathon before Season 4 starts. My boss was gracious enough to let me work just the evenings and catch on the show 7am - 4pm. As long as I get everything done, of course. Well Monday the satellite was out for 2 hours, so I missed two episodes there and then today was my turn to get my cell repainted which knocked out about 3 hours. Oh the plus side I received some money from family and friends, so I bought some Mala/prayer beads and some aroma therapy oils and I ordered a 9" fan to get ready for summer. I am eternally grateful for the money so I can have some luxuries here and believe me those are luxuries. I also received the first lesson in Buddhist Studies from Asian Classic Institute. I'm not going to start it yet but I will put it in the chapel so others can take the course, after I make myself a copy of course. My divorce paper came yesterday, I am now officially divorced for the second time. I knew it was coming but it still hurts deeply. I really don't blame her or harbor any ill will toward her, I just miss her and still do love her. And of course there is my son, who I can't even express how I miss him. Other than those obvious feelings, nothing else has changed. Later.
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