True Colors Guaranteed (random thoughts)

Elvis had TCB, my motto is TCG. It might not be pretty, people might not like it. But i have all the time in the world and not much to lose. I know what I am and what I'm not. For example, I know I wanted this to be a structured flowing poem but now I know it is free flowing gibberish essay. I'm motivated by too much coffee and getting to listen to Nirvana's entire Nevermind album. It's one of those albums that came out exactly at the right time in my life that I ate it up and breathed it in like oxygen. If I had been in the 60's and a girl I would have been crying and screaming like those Beatles fans you see on old T.V. footage. It doesn't really have that effect on me anymore, other to whisk my mind away down memory lane. I'm not sharing those memories right now, they're mind and I'm feeling possessive. TCG, I still prefer Heavy Metal and hard emotional rock to any other music. TCG, the more I meditate, pray and reflect, the less fluffy hippy lovey-dovey it gets. I can just as easily reach inside and touch a dark, devoid of all light, center in me just as easily as touch the divine, hopeful, love light side of me. To tell you the truth, I think there is more dark in me than light, but I'm trying to remedy that. If there is a such a thing as a remedy.

TCG, I want to be cremated instead of buried, only because I have a fear of being confined and I see that fear growing the longer I stay in prison. TCG, I think about my death everyday. It's usually in a different light as the day goes on. In the morning when I wake up it is usually an angry hostile reaction to my dreams (which are never of prison) being interrupted only to find myself still here and not having peacefully "passed on" in my sleep. Then it turns reflective wondering if today is the day my mind finally snaps and I "hang it up" (that's prison slang for suicide) or if I pissed someone off enough to have them kill me or if it is my time to go by falling down the stairs. Mind you this is 99% of the time my thought process between waking up, eating breakfast, and getting ready for work and the rest of my day. So an hour and half, max. everyday. TCG, I'm so busy with my job and other daily activities, I forget all about the whole subject till about final count around 9:00pm. Then it's back to my cell and the process starts again, but different. The death thinking usually turns more melancholy. It is not so much my suffering (poor me, I can't go on like this) attitude as it is a "my poor family" they would be better off when I'm gone. It would be a joyous occasion for the people who put me here and a relief for the rest of the family and friends.

I'm like a splinter under your fingernail. It (I) hurt like a son-of-a-bitch going in ("crime", trial, prison sentence), a constant throbbing pain while still in the finger (support, money, encouragement, failed appeal) still having to deal with me in prison, but one sharp pull and the splinter comes out. Sure it hurts more for a second or two, but after that it is relief, a sense of "ahh, that's better" I'm glad that splinter is out of there. TCG, my family and friends will probably freak-out reading this, but not to worry, I Can't "hang it up" for 3 reasons.

1. Fear, I'm a chicken-shit, I don't think I could literally do it.
2. My faith in God tells me that it is a sin and that all trials and suffering is God's will, so there must be a reason for all this.
3. Karma, there is no escaping really.

While this life has been shitty, the next will be even worse if I added the negative karma of ending my own life. So fear not all you splinter ridden readers, I'm not going anywhere until God grants it, which brings my thought process full circle with waking up angry that I woke up again, period. And so goes my thought process. TCG, round and round. It's so much a part of my life (no pun intended) like breathing or routine like brushing your teeth that I don't even feel abnormal thinking it anymore. Well, I'll try to continue on a lighter note, next time. The coffee is wearing off and I'm getting tired. Time to sleep and start the cycle over again, hopefully not. Good night.

3/6/2008

Restless, anxious can't sleep. Too much coffee at too late an hour or maybe the spicy food around 9:00pm. Decided to listen to the radio which I don't do that often anymore. I was listening to the local Hard Rock and Heavy Metal station and discovered something. The "old" familiar dark metal songs seem to be different. What once was edgy or "dark" on a rebellious "cool" level is now much darker. I think I can touch a much deeper darker place in myself and imagination when listening to lyrics of death, depression, rage, or whatever. I guess the dark violent murderous lyrics in Heavy Metal takes on an all new twist when you live with violence and among murderers. I've eaten meals and had surreal conversations with people who have acted out that rage in a intimate way and believe me, it is NOTHING like a heavy pop-metal song by Korn or Static X. But no other music fits my mood lately. Classical, jazz or oldies are turned quickly and pop and rap are never even turned to. I just feel so weighted down. Walking the narrow path, helping others when I can either through encouragement, or just listening is exhausting. Just waking up in the morning and holding my head up to make it through another day is like running a marathon. And at every literal turn of the head is drugs, violence, hustling, sex, harassment from inmates and officers. It's like having an ever tightening closing force field closing in on your and no matter what it is, you lock your legs and prop yourself up and push against it, it still shrinks. It would be such an easier life if I just turned convict. Start a hustle, smoke, drink, drugs, violence, join the local white gang, start running the tier like the lifer I am. But I just can't bring myself to it. I think maybe I'm going crazy or maybe that's wishful thinking also. I guess I'm just hanging on to that little ray of hope. I am comforted by knowing I'm not alone in my suffering, my family suffers, my friends suffer, even the inmates around me suffer. I'm comforted in knowing the God is still with me. But I also know that I don't have the mental or emotional strength to do 10, 15, 25, 30 years in here. Christ in heaven! As I reread what I've written, I'm so ashamed of how self-centered I am. I'm gonna shut-up now.

12:30 PM
Lying awake, thinking, meditating, when the word groan bubbles up over and over and I start crying. I look it up in my bible dictionary and concordance and am pointed to this: Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Don't tell me God doesn't speak to us! Thank you Abboy. Amen!

3/5/2008

Doing some theology study since there hasn't been a class in two weeks due to illness. It was going great and I finished a section on the different aspects of God's goodness (mercy, grace, long suffering, etc). Anyway, I started to daydream (which happens a lot) about Ghost Hunters (sci-fi show), mediums, psychics and what not. What are the point of these people? I mean really?! So they "ghost hunters" catch a voice on tape or a thermal image, so the medium commons with the dead, so the psychic can describe the after life. So what?! What is the ends? High-five to you for confirming there is an after-life, spirits, or whatever. Since the dawn of man, they have been saying the same thing, cave painting, ancient scripture of ALL religions. My question is so what are you going to DO with that confirmed "knowledge". Are the ghost hunters telling you how to live better so you don't have to be "trapped" here after death? Are they really revealing anything? NO! The medium that talks with deal loved ones, they accomplish nothing except maybe where grandpa buried the family fortune! The psychics that tell you about past lives or what the after life looks like. What!? How does that info help? People seem to be so concerned about proving, validating, and confirming that there is a life after this one that they forget to concentrate on this life, here, now. A motivated person would take their confirmation, and with their eased doubts set out to live by whatever moral code or religion they believe in to make sure they have the best possible next life, whether in heaven, next rebirth, or whatever. Instead, most just hop from book to book, show to show, confirmation to confirmation, doing nothing but spouting off about what they read or saw to try to confirm someone else. Just a random rant and thought. I'm just as guilty as everyone else, after all.

I watched the Ghost Hunters show and own got spiritual books. Like they say "Don't just sit there, do something." Or in my case and beliefs of Zen/Christian contemplation, "Don't just do something, sit there." Which reminds me, I finished reading Living Zen, Loving God and found it fascinating. I'm re-reading it again and highlighting parts that speak to me. Habito, the author, showed me it is possible to still practice Zen and study Buddhist scriptures and be a devout Christian at the same time. Both are separate and neither subtracts from the other. Beautiful. Back to theology. Later.

3/4/2008

The weirdness continues. Some native dude stopped by my cell while I was watching TV and struck up a conversation. Never even spoke to him before. He talked for a half an hour! I wrote my wife today and sent a b-day card to my son. I didn't sign it. Hopefully that way he will still get it. I sure miss them both. I wrote grandma and [my aunt] also.

3/2/2008

Good TV tonight. watched the movie Doom, which I've never seen. The two hours of dark twisted drama. Dexter and Breaking Bad. This upcoming week is going to suck. I have to do inmate pictures again. The job of doing it isn't so bad except that the dudes in here complain, bitch and wine all the time. I've got to learn to let it go. There are too many clouds in my blue sky. Got a lot of reading done this weekend. Read both BuddhaDharma and Tricycle Spring 2008 issues cover to cover. Finished reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind and the next two chapters in Living Zen, Loving God. I wish I had a fast forward button. Jump to an appeal working, the truth being told and getting out of here, heart attack, brain tumor, death. Just hurry up already. Hard to look forward to the next day when there isn't anything positive to look forward to. Friends leaving, family members moving on, both hurt equally. Twice the suffering. Once when they leave, once knowing I'm just being selfish wanting them to stay. It's hard when all you have left to look forward to is either death, heaven or rebirth. It's even harder when you can't do anything but wait for it. I appreciate the support and love I still receive, but I don't pretend to believe that eventually that will go away. Talk to any lifer in here, they'll tell you eventually it trickles away and stops. I'm not bitter about it, I know people eventually have to move on and live their own lives.